Well, it came and went and I successfully made it through another birthday.  Yes, there were tears.  And yes, there was a surprise person to comfort my tears.  Here’s the rundown of what the men in my life did for my bday:

GI Joe:  Happy bday text at 5:58am.  We were supposed to get together tonight, but in true GI Joe fashion, I never heard from him.  Shocker.

6′4″:  Called at 6:02am.  Forgot it was my bday until a few minutes later when I reminded him.  Played phone tag and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day.  We’re supposed to have a “post-bday celebration” someday down the road.  Yeah, he’s on his way out of my life – QUICKLY.

JC:  Well, it all started the night before.  We talked for an hour and a half as he listened to me cry about important things that are missing from my life.  We talked about marriage.  We talked about kids.  He was extremely supportive and even laughed at my tear-filled unfunny jokes.  But, the moral of the story — he doesn’t ever want to be married.  I knew that.  That’s why we’re not together.  So after that escapade, he texted me at 5:43am with incredibly thoughtful things…so thoughtful, in fact, that it was a 2-part text.  And he called me during the day to see how my day was going.  And he’s taking me to dinner on Thursday. 

6′4″ really could take a lesson in effort from JC.

BUT in spite of all that, I saw the man I’m going to marry today.  I was heading out for a run, he was coming back from his run.  6′5″, 230 of pure milk chocolatey goodness.  The song on my Ipod?  “You Are The Reason” – yes, he is.  I know he felt it too.  But now it’s up to the Universe.  I’m training for a half-marathon, so I’ll be at the park a few times a week…if I run into him, I’ll know that I need to know him.  In carnal ways.  Oh yeah, and soulful ways too. 

First, I hung out with GI Joe last night – we cuddled on the couch, I waited for him to make a move.  I waited.  And waited.  And finally at 1:30am, I decided to leave.  He walked me to my car and proceeded to kiss me…a peck.  That’s it???  Whatever.

Second, I haven’t really talked to 6′4″.  He called me this morning indicating I may see him tonight, but I’m not holding my breath.  I know that I need to end it, but in order to end it, you have to talk to that person!  So until I talk to him, there’s not much I can do.

And finally…the reason I cry.  JC has been concerned about me lately – it seems like he knows something is up.  So I finally told him that I was going to have to end my relationship.  Now he and I haven’t ever really talked about relationships with other people.  I always assume he’s in a relationship and I think he assumes I am too.  We just don’t talk about it – until now.

In spite of our past, he’s one of my closest friends.  If I need anything, I know I could call him and he’d do whatever I needed.  But I also know that he is incapable of being faithful.  He’s not a bad person, he just had lots of unresolved issues…things he’s not willing to deal with.  And that’s his choice.

I told him I was struggling because I have to end my relationship.  I told him 6′4″ was talking marriage and kids and now I’m back to square one – and even worse yet, days before my birthday.  He was extremely supportive, reminding me that whatever happens is for the best and how it’s better that I know now that he’s not the one because it would be so much harder if we had been married, etc, etc.  Which of course made me cry.  He reminded me that he loves me a ton and just wants me to be happy.  He even offered to spend my birthday with me so I don’t have to be alone.  Dammit JC. 

And to make it worse, he sends me this text afterwards:  “I’m sorry to hear that your heart is hurting.  Mine is hurting for you as well.  You’re a great woman.  You deserve a good man but maybe there is a better one for you.  I wish I could give you a big hug and kiss and take your pain away.  I’ll always be here for you.  I love you.”

And this is why I cry…the thing I’m struggling with though is that I think my tears are more for JC than for 6′4″.  F*ck.

I still have no clue what’s up with 6′4″.  One moment he’s totally into me, then next he’s not…or maybe I’m not really into him.  Hmm.  We didn’t see each other last weekend, so it’ll be interesting to see if he’s willing to make the effort this weekend – if not, I’m probably done.  I need more than he’s giving me.

Plus, get this – apparently, I’m well sought after these days.

1.  I got whistled at while walking down the street with some coworkers…I know he was talking about me because my coworkers went into the bank and the guy was hanging still out his window!

2.  I’ve been talking to GI Joe again.  He really wants to get together to see if we still have chemistry.  Still?  He never even kissed me, so this would be all new chemistry.  Interestingly enough, I’m tempted.

3.  Finally, after not talking to JC for a week (reminder:  he’s the man I thought I’d marry until I found out he’s never been faithful to anyone…and doesn’t look like he’s going to start now!), we talked last night.  He ended the conversation with, “I’ve missed talking to you and I love you.”  Huh?  Okay, yes, I’ll always love him, but why do w have to say it NOW?”  So tonight, he calls.  I’m dealing with allergies and an overall blah feeling (see also:  not satisfied in my current relationship), so he kept asking if I needed anything.  Several times.  I didn’t want to tell him, yeah, I need 6′4″ to be more attentive and make more of an effort, etc, etc.  So I said thanks anyway.  Finally, he straight up asked if I wanted to hang out…even just watch TV or something.  Again, tempted, but I know it’s not good for me right now, so I had to graciously decline.

Pretty please, can I just find a relationship WITHOUT drama?!?!?!?!??!

Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on with 6′4″.  There were a few days this week where I didn’t talk to him a whole lot…and I started thinking that maybe this long-distance, seeing each other once a week just couldn’t work.  But just as I start to detach, he’s back.  So, I’m hanging in there, but still have no idea where this is going or where I really want it to go.  I do like him.  And I am attracted to him…a lot.  But who knows.

And I had another a-ha moment.  When GI Joe and I were hanging out…and he just couldn’t make a move, I always wondered if it was me or him putting up the resistance.  But I finally realized what it was.  He thought he was going to be deployed, but he didn’t know when.  So why would you let yourself get close to someone, knowing you’d be leaving.  That’s logical.  So I asked him about it yesterday…and it was actually a decent conversation.  ….and then I started wondering what if?  I did like him…hmm.

WHO KNOWS!!!!

I’ll admit, sometimes I’m not the best listener.  Sometimes I’ll move on to the next conversation and then go, “Wait, what did he just say?”  This has been the case twice with 6′4″. We’ll be talking on the phone, all is well, making plans, whatever and as we’re saying goodbye, there have been two times that he mumbled something.

I think he said “Love you.”

Wait, what?  I’m sure it doesn’t help that my response has been, “Okay, talk to you later.”  Doh.

I did have an experience this week where I talked him and a few minutes after we got off the phone, I stopped and was just in awe of how much I care about him.  Not quite ready to drop that L bomb, but I do care deeply though.

I guess I’ll just try to listen better and maybe I’ll actually be able to verify that the L word is part of our conversations…and maybe someday soon I’ll be able to say it back.