Last week, I was in a really crappy mood. It didn’t help that evil Aunt Flo was visiting, but the rest of my life looked just as crappy as well. But then I had a dream Saturday night that changed everything.

I was talking on the phone to the shrink that my ex and I saw briefly in 2007. I hated that guy – he was arrogant and I don’t really feel like he helped us/me at all. Anyway, so in the dream, I’m talking to him on the phone bitching and moaning about my job situation (out of character, I know!)

He had advice for me. “Go balls the wall. Apply for every job you see that might remotely be a fit. You have nothing to lose because it really can’t get worse than this for you. So apply for everything and in 10 days, the entire situation will be different. 10 days. Check back with me in 10 days. Just give it 10 days.”

When I woke up, I really felt lighter – the jackass is right. It can’t get worse. Being laid off wouldn’t be worse (oh, severance, how I long for you!!) So in the past 2 days, I’ve applied for 5 jobs. I go girl! And I’ve counted it out – April 7th will be 10 days. We shall see.

My mom had a dream too – she just called me because she was in awe of what she saw. She said it was the most vivid dream she’d ever had. She was in a neighborhood where all the backyards all lined up to a greenbelt-type path. She was walking up to one of the houses where it looked like there was a party going on. It was a family BBQ. She saw me – wearing an apron (note to self: start wearing aprons) as I was carrying a platter of food to put on the table for my hungry guests.

She looked over and saw a child about 18 months old in his highchair. It was my son. Her grandson. He was a medium skin color (most likely mixed race) and had brown curly hair that she said really needed to be cut. He smiled when he saw her and reached for her to pick him up. And that’s when she woke up.

Of course, there was no indication of if there was a baby daddy there (I asked), but more importantly than that, she saw my child. Aww. And my mom has been taking a mentoring class with a psychic, developing her intuitive abilities, so I just can’t argue with what she sees!

Well, Mom, hopefully you’ll meet my son someday. And hopefully I will too.

Want to know something? I hate my job. I know this is all new to my faithful readers, but it’s true.

Yesterday, we got about a foot of snow. Department of Transportation says it’s best to stay off the roads. It’s taking people 30 minutes to go 2 blocks. There are accidents and abandoned cars sprinkled sporadically around the highways and side streets. Schools are closed and offices are closing all around the city.

But not my office. Nope. Concern for the safety of its workers? Nope. Concerned because they’d have to pay us if they released us early? Yep. Cheap bastards.

So why was I not shocked when I called our “Weather Line” to find out that we were conducting normal business hours today as well? Rat bastards. But I proceeded to get ready for work.

A few months ago we finally were granted permission for casual Fridays – jeans are okay, but no capris and please still wear a shirt with a collar. So as I slipped on my favorite hoodie this morning, I laughed. Why would I care about the dress code when they don’t care about my safety. It’s my own private protest. Take that, my corporate, energy-draining, employee-hating, money-sucking, bad decision-making, soon-to-be FORMER EMPLOYER!

**Please email job offers as soon as possible. For a job I like, I really can be much more mature than this. Promise!**

Do you ever just feel like you’re walking around in a fog? 

 

You can’t see two feet in front of you, yet you can see the individual pixels seeping into your soul, you’re not sure if you’re going the right way or veering severely off-course, and you think that just maybe there’s a serial killer watching your every move.  No?  Oh.

 

Or maybe it’s like that movie where the fog swallows people whole and then people start dying when they’re locked in a grocery store because let’s face it, people are much crazier than fog is.  No bitch-a$$ condensation is going to take me out like that.

 

Yet I feel the fog surrounding me today.  I HATE my job.  It’s painful to be here and I just really don’t care anymore.  Yet, I don’t see any way out or any indication of any sort of solution.  It seems pretty hopeless.

 

I’ve been trying to be creative in where I look for job openings.  Ideally, I would find a position that uses my talents to change the world.  So, I’ve done what any right-minded desperate business woman would do.  I’ve been researching how to start my own pimpin’ bidness.  But I’m not much of a recruiter and well, the only thing goo.gle tells me is that pimpin’ ain’t easy.  Not exactly a slogan you would see on a brochure at a career fair.  Hmm.

 

There goes that career path.  Plus purple velvet and feathers isn’t much my thing anyway.  Back to square one.

Well, just when you think you’ve got things figured out, it changes.  At 6:58am, my old boss/new neighbor asked to talk to me.  That’s never a good sign.  He gave his notice yesterday.  He has a wonderful new job waiting for him and he can’t take me with him (I asked.) 

 

So just when you think it can’t get worse, it does.  That means I’m stuck with the new boss who really just needs to be punched in the face and kicked in the stomach.  I’m not a big fan.  And she wears clip-on earrings.  Big loss of respect right there.

 

It’s time for me to leave too…I mean, FOR REALS this time.  So, Universe, once again, I’m asking for you to show me a wonderful new job where I can display my talents, make lots of money and still internet surf throughout the day.  Accepting offers beginning now.  PLEASE!

As much as I despise my current job, it does have its moments.  Somedays the time I spend internet surfing greatly exceeds the amount of time I spend doing actual work.  But the way I figure is that our executives schedule meetings to avoid doing actual work, why can’t I spend my avoidance time internet surfing?  And it’s not like I’m not being productive.  I’m ready financial news, celebrity gossip and searching for a new job.  All things that lead me to believe I will someday be in a better place, which helps the doom and dread associated with this place dissipate.

 

But, things are about to change.  I have a new boss (can’t stand her – I’m going to punch her someday, I swear.)  My old boss has taken a less stressful position due to health reasons, so he’s still here, just in a different role.  Well, because he’s stepping down slightly, they are taking away his office and moving him into a cubicle. 

 

RIGHT.  ACROSS.  FROM.  ME.  Here’s the view of his cube from my desk.

 

So, dear internet, it’s been fun.  But instead of expanding my mind with your vast knowledge, I might have to start staring at boring spreadsheets for a while.  

Universe, if you’re listening, PLEASE find me a better job!!

My younger brother called me this weekend while I was out running errands.  The conversation went like this:

 

Bro:  Where are you at?

Me:  Tar.get.

Bro:  Cool, what are you buying?

Me:  Oh, just picking up a prescription.

Bro:  What for?

Me:  Girl stuff, don’t worry about it.

Bro:  Why?  Do you have a yeast infection?

Me:  (Not believing I’m having this conversation.)  Not your business, but it’s birth control.

Bro:  Oh.  Well, have you ever thought about getting an IUD?

Me:  No, that’s for people who have already had kids.

Bro:  Not necessarily.  They recommend it for women who aren’t planning on having kids within the next 20 months though.  Wait – are you planning on getting knocked up in the next 20 months?

Me:  Yeah, I am.

Bro:  Oh, who are you dating?

Me:  Nobody.  But I can get a vial and a turkey baster for a few hundred dollars.

Bro:  (yelling) YOU ARE NOT HAVING A CHILD WITHOUT A FATHER!!  I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!! 

 

That’s when I knew I had to change the subject.  Talking about yeast infections and IUDs is perfectly fine, but unless he’s got a single and available guy to introduce me to, I refuse to listen to his opinion on my childbirth choices!!

 

Of course I would love for my children have to a wonderful father in their lives, but what if that man doesn’t come into my life before my eggs expire?  It’s not an easy decision and if I have to make that choice, I will do it with both eyes open.  I would just hope my friends and family would trust me enough to make the right decision for me and my kids – but apparently not all of them do.

I’m a big believer in actions speaking louder than words.  So when GI Joe asks me to be his girl and I say yeah, I’m willing to give it a go, for me – nothing changes.  I’ve been willing to give it a go since the beginning!  But I guess some guys need that reassurance that they won’t be rejected before they take that leap.  I’d prefer to take the leap and trust that there’ll be a net to catch me if I end up falling instead of flying.  But everyone has their own style.

 

So apparently, I might kind of sort of be someone’s girl.  Huh?  I asked GI Joe what was in it for me.  He said, “I will give you the time of your life.  I will listen to you and be a perfect man, friend and lover.  And so much more.”  Hmm, that sounds nice, so I guess I said okay. 

 

A friend of mine made a comment about how I have a boyfriend in the Army.  My reaction was instant denial.  Boyfriend is a strong word.  And that word makes me feel like I’m in middle school, so I tend not to use it anyway.  But GI Joe = boyfriend?  Naaaa…not yet.  However, based on our conversation, he might think differently.  Oh well.  Whatever.

 

Then I have the panicked thought of, what if he’s a bad kisser?  Or worse yet, bad in other physical activities???  Yowza.  Since I kind of sort of already committed to something, that might cause a problem.  Do you see why I like to get physical BEFORE making a commitment?!?!? 

 

Anyway, like I said, until something happens, instead of just talking about something happening, nothing has changed for me.  I’m still open to meeting new people, open to dating and open to whatever comes my way.

 

Oh, and on a side note — I did feng shui my closet and clear some space for a new man in my life.  Coincidence that GI Joe brings that up the day after my closet gets cleared out?  Hmm.  Interesting.

Whoa. Next week my sister will be celebrating her 14th wedding anniversary. They’ve been together for 16 years total, and they actually still like each other. It hasn’t all been easy of course, but wow.

I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help but look at the mess I’ve made of my life. I was a college freshman when they got married and what in the hell have I been doing since then? Man, I f’d up big time.

I’m the only woman I know who doesn’t have a husband and/or kids. Talk about being out on an island by yourself. Geez. And I don’t even have a cabana boy to take away the lonelies.

I was reading the other day about the ying/yang connection between the spleen and the stomach in boosting your metabolism. I think I have a spleen issue, so I was looking for natural ways to be kind to my spleen, encouraging it to work more efficiently.

Like most Americans, I was looking for a vitamin or supplement to do so. There’s nothing out there. Do you want to know the most effective way to boost your spleen’s performance? Touch. That’s right. Human touch. No wonder a lot of people lose weight when they first get into a relationship! I know I do – but now I know why!! It’s been a year since I’ve dated someone. F*ck. My poor spleen is depressed and just starving for attention. Poor little guy. I feel ya, bro. The lonelies make me not want to do anything either.

Boys are funny.  GI Joe and I got together for dinner last Friday.  Since the last time we saw each other (Superbowl Sunday), we’ve talked about physical things – how he likes me and wants to make a move.  How he thinks I’m scared to fall in love with him.  How I think he’s full of it.  You know, things like that.

 

At dinner, we got to know each other a little more.  We talked about our dating histories and what we want to do with our lives. 

 

He walked me to my car and I thought, okay, this is it.  He’s going to make his move and show me what he’s all about!  Chicka, chicka, yeah, yeah!!!   He goes in for a quick hug, kiss on the cheek and he runs away.  I got in my car and just couldn’t stop laughing!!  (I’m hoping he didn’t hear.  Rumor is that’s not so good for a guy’s ego.  But then again, when have I been concerned with a guy’s ego??)  I’m sorry, but it was hysterical to watch him chicken out like that!! 

 

And with the hilarity, I realized something else about him.  The minute I started laughing about the situation, he stopped annoying me with his lack of busting-a-move ability.  I kind of like the guy!  I do have a good time when we get together, I can laugh at the situation, and if nothing else, I’m getting a meal outside of the house.

 

So, in the meantime, we’ll just have to start a pool on when he’s ACTUALLY going to bust a move.  Although I do truly believe it’ll be sometime before the winter solstice, I’ll give him a little credit and say he’ll do it sometime before the end of March.  28 days, homeboy.  Man up!