I’ve done a lot of work over the last two years to discover who I am, what I want and what I expect from a relationship.  As much work as I’ve done, I also realize that I can’t know the true extent of my progress until it’s tested by a relationship.  The question is:  How do I maintain my progress and invite a relationship into my life?

 

But I just had an a-ha moment – I think that has been the block preventing me from having a relationship! 

 

Right now, I’m more ME than I’ve ever been.  I know what I want to do with my life.  I know what my deal breakers are.  And I know what I do and don’t expect from a relationship.  I expect an activity partner, someone who I can rely on to take off the pressures of daily life and someone to share my joys and sorrows with.  I don’t expect him to make me happy, agree with me all the time or be anyone other than himself.

 

And yet I’m still unsure of what I expect from myself in a relationship.  I guess I expect that I will be true to who I am, yet be open to learning from him.  I expect that I will have setbacks and challenges and yet, become a better person in the good times because of my growth in the hard times.  I don’t expect it to always be easy or fun and yet, I trust in myself  and my strength that I will be able to deal with whatever does or doesn’t happen.

 

Looky there.  Looks like I just set some expectations for my next relationship.  Who knew blogging could be so therapeutic!  Who needs a therapist when you’ve got the world wide web?!?

Today is my mom’s 57^th birthday.  She’s an amazing woman, a great mom, and an even better friend.  Of course our relationship doesn’t come without challenges – especially the fact that I might just be a little bit too much like her.

 

My mom has always done what she thought was best for her kids – including not dating when we were younger.  The problem is she got used to it.  So now it’s been almost 20 years without a relationship.  She deserves more than that, but for whatever reason, won’t let herself.

 

I’m afraid that I’ll end up the same way.

 

She has so much love to give, but is very selective about the recipients.  But if you’re in, you’re in for life. 

 

And I know she’d be an amazing Grandma.  I’ve seen her with babies and she just has this natural ability to make them smile, coo, giggle and be calm.  It’s like she’s the baby whisperer.

 

But I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to give her grandchildren.  She would be amazing – would be at every doctor’s appointment if I let her, be in the delivery room and babysit often.  My children would be incredibly lucky to have a Grandma like her.

 

But I don’t know if I’ll have that opportunity. 

 

If I ask her what she wants for her birthday, she’ll respond, “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything!”  Oh, but I want to.  She deserves it. 

 

And yet I can’t give her the one thing we both want most.

Okay, okay, so tomorrow is Valentines Day.  I get it.  Buy flowers.  Buy candy.  So much love in the air.  Gag me. 

 

I keep hearing how us “singles” should instead refer to VD (ha ha!) as Singles Awareness Day.  Um.  I’m aware I’m single.  EVERY. FREAKING. DAY.  I don’t need a special day to remind me of my status!  Thanks anyway, world!

 

So instead I’m having lunch with a friend.  Now technically, she’s my ONLY single friend left, even though she and her boyfriend bought a house together last year, so rings and a marriage certificate seem to be the only technicality.  Whatever.  She was free for lunch, so I’m going with it!

 

Anyway, moving on to shinier, happier, non-VD things.  Vision Boards.  After my seminar last weekend, I did make a vision board (great minds, Bean!)  Actually, I made a few – all appropriately placed in their corresponding feng shui corners of my bedroom.) 

Seriously, what’s more fun than making a collage of all the things that make you feel all warm and fuzzy???  (Yes, it does say “great sex”!)  Plus it’s an excuse to finally read/skim/cut apart all the magazines I have sitting around.  Killing two birds with one stone.  Aww yeah.  I can feel it now…hotties are lining up to get their applications in now. 

Speaking of that, and this is totally random, but when I think of vision boards, I just can’t help but think of the movie Weird Science.  Wyatt and Gary creating their ideal woman.  Funny how in 1985 they used a magically powerful computer to create their woman and in 2009, I’m using scissors and glue.   Maybe all that’s missing is a big ‘ole jock strap on my head… 

Last weekend, I went to hear a woman speak about how to use the Law of Attraction to attract a soul mate.  She was funny, informative, and we drank tea and ate cookies while we listened.  Great overall experience.

 

That night, I started taking the steps she suggested.  Forgive the people you’ve dated in the past.  Check.  Forgive yourself for letting those people treat you like that.  Check.  Make a list of exactly what you’re looking for – nothing is too much to ask for – nothing is unrealistic.  Check. 

 

Next you’re supposed to put the list out to the Universe somehow – burn it (not safe), let it go in a helium balloon (not environmentally friendly), or simply put it in a sealed envelope under your mattress.  I went for the mattress deal.  But before I did, I read my list out loud in case the Universe is hard of hearing.  Hey, you never know.  It’s a noisy world out there.

 

When I was done reading my list, almost sarcastically, I asked, “Where in the world would I meet someone like this?”

 

Here’s where it gets weird.  Are you sitting down?  Almost immediately, it was like I smelled bread baking and thought, oh, of course – a bakery!   Wha??  I’m all for bread, but I can’t really say that I frequent bakeries.  Not so good for the diet, you know.

 

But what makes this strange is that I was in my bedroom.  No bread baking in there.  No bread even baking in my kitchen either.  And just as soon as I smelled it, it was gone.  That’s some sort of Paranormal Universe type shit!!  Either that or I’m actually developing (and by developing, I mean LISTENING) to my intuitive abilities.  Crazy!

 

So now, I’ve got to start hitting bakeries.  Maybe I’ll start with the bakery deli type places, just so I can order salads instead of yummy warm, covered in butter, soft and chewy bread.  Mmm.  Bread.  Oh hey, better yet – Panera has wi-fi – maybe I’ll take my laptop over there one night and pretend like I’m doing something really important while I surf the web catching up on the latest celebrity gossip.

 

My horoscope for this year keeps talking about how I’m going to be meeting a professional type man. 

 

I can picture it now:

 

(Fade to fantasy sequence.)

Panera Bread.  Sun setting outside, so the inside bakery lights have a golden tone, giving me perfectly glowing skin.  The zit on my chin is invisible and my hair is perfectly styled.  I’m in the corner, focused on my laptop, seemingly creating a literary masterpiece.  I glance up. 

 

Bakery Boy (played by Taye Diggs, but taller) floats in, carrying his laptop and looking for a place to settle in.  He smiles at me and chooses a spot a few tables away.  He orders dinner.  A “You Pick Two” – Sierra Turkey Sandwich, no onion with a bowl of chicken noodle soup.  Same as me.  He sits down at his table, facing me.  I try to focus my attention on my game of Spider Solitaire, but I can’t take my eyes off of him because, well, he’s Taye Diggs (but taller.) 

 

He sets up his laptop, keeping one eye on me (but not in a creepy cross-eyes way).  He eats dinner while clicking buttons on his laptop.  A multi-tasker in a suit that looks like Taye Diggs (but taller.)  Grr.  Just as soon as he finishes his meal, he starts packing up.  Panic enters my mind.  Don’t leave, I beg, sending him mental messages.  He takes his tray over to the trash.  A man who cleans up after himself?  Brilliant.

 

But he doesn’t head for the exit.  He comes towards me.  Once again, I panic, trying to minimize my game and open an Excel spreadsheet.

 

With a relaxing, make you wanna drop your panties voice, he says, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re the same woman I’ve seen in my dreams.  Will you do me the honor of your presence?”

 

Mesmerized by Taye Diggs (but taller), I respond, “I would be honored to do you.”

 

We skip off into the sunset, happily ever after.

 

Awww.  Perfection.

GI Joe might be promoted to Major – wow, big promotion!!  Does that also mean that I can’t call him GI Joe anymore, but rather need to start calling him Major Payne?  That seems to be fitting as well!!

 

He’s been texting me (God forbid he actually call) more often now.  And he even asked me for a picture.  I sent him one, so if you see a random picture of me up in the guy’s bathroom somewhere underneath “For a good time call:”, please provide me the common courtesy and remove it immediately.  Good news is, I got a picture of him as well…from inside the aforementioned men’s room.  Nice urinal.  I’m totally not kidding.

 

Last night, he made a comment that has me perplexed though.  He said something about how every time he tries to get close to me, I pull away.  Okay, as far as I know he’s never tried to get close to me.  But then that gets me thinking though, too.  Do I really pull away??  I guess I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised if that were the case, but I don’t really think it is.

 

Anyway, so I responded, asking him when he’d tried to get close because if he had, I totally missed it.   Apparently he was surprised by my response, so he told me that “it” was on now and he was going to bring it “Philly style.” 

 

I watched the Fresh Prince, so I know all about Philly.  In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days.  But does that mean he’s going to bring his friend Jazzy Jeff and perform for me?  Or maybe he’s going to try to impress me with Carlton dance.  Or take me to a hearty dinner with Uncle Phil.  Or go shopping like Hilary.  Or teach me to talk to boys like Ashley. 

 

I’m not quite sure what Philly style has to do with the fact that “it’s” on, but I may find out Friday night.  He’s taking me out somewhere, but won’t tell me where.  And he won’t tell me what to wear.  But I’m going to like it.  Uh huh.  You know that totally means he has no idea what we’re going to do yet and will be panicking trying to come up with something as the date nears.  Boys are such funny creatures.

I decided to give GI Joe one last chance, so I invited him over to watch the Superbowl.  To my house.  Where we’d be sitting on the couch together.  And there would be nothing to prevent him from making a move.  Perfect set up, kid, make it happen.

 

But of course, it never happens how you picture it.  He comes over, we watch the game.  A few times, I would move my leg closer to him, giving him an opportunity.  Yet the only time he touched me was to smack me on the arm when there was a good play.  Like old football buddies.  Maybe he’s gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it!)

 

Anyway, we watch the game and as soon as the first streamer hit the ground, he got up, thanked me for having him over and bolted towards the door.  He turned around, gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek and ran off into the night.

 

A peck on the cheek?  My grandfather does that. 

 

I thought for sure, I would know where we stand after last night.  He would either bust a move or he wouldn’t and then we’d move forward or go our separate ways.  It’d be easy. 

 

Not this half-ass effort at making a move, then texting me afterwards saying that he had a great time and wants to see me again soon.  And then this morning, he asks how my day is and I tell him that I’m having a rough day at work. 

 

“Do you need a hug?”, he says.

 

“YES!”

 

“And a kiss?”, he asks.

 

Was that his attempt at asking permission or what?  Who knows!!

 

Oh, and the of course, the other thing.  Being “GI Joe”, he is susceptible to deployment.  As the lieutenant, he has advance notice on those sorts of things.  And it looks like he’ll be deployed for a year beginning in 2009 or 2010.  That could suck if we were actually dating.

 

Hmm.  So now what?!?