This might be a recurring theme here, but I just don’t get boys – why they do what they do, or how they even make it through life.  I’m baffled.

 

I FINALLY went out with GI Joe again last night.  It’s been over a month since I saw him last.  Just like always (okay, 3 previous dates), we meet at the restaurant, order some stuff, talk about a wide range of topics and we both have a great time!  We leave, he hugs me, says we should do it again and gets in his car.

 

To me, that’s a friendship.  Ain’t nothing romantic about it!  I drive home, wondering what the block is – if it’s him or me.  He’s a decent looking guy, we have a fun time together and yet, that’s it. 

 

So I’m getting ready for bed when I get a text:  “I had a good time tonight and I would like to see more of you!”  I respond:  “Then let’s make it happen!”  Okay, kid – the door is wide open!

 

On a side note, I have been talking to a few new prospects.  In my Yes Year (thanks to Oprah for stealing my idea.  I could’ve written an article for your magazine – all you had to do is ask!), I’m just trying to get out there and DO THINGS.  Anything outside my normal routine opens me up for new people and new opportunities, so I’m in. 

 

I do have to be careful who I tell about my Yes Year – there are people out there who WILL take advantage!!  (Like my mom who invited me to a neighborhood New Year’s Eve party and then called me on it when I said NO!)  Rude.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and I hope you received all the gifts you were hoping for. 

 

My Christmas was actually pretty cool.  Christmas Eve was spent with my very entertaining family.  Three times, I laughed so hard that I cried – of course, the margaritas helped with that.  And Christmas Day was spent with my mom.  We opened presents (FINALLY got a Wii and Wii Fit – LOVE IT!), and then headed to the movies.  First to see The Yes Man, then pretending we were in high school, we stopped in the bathroom, checked the movie start times and snuck into see Seven Pounds as well.  Both great movies.

 

But let’s talk about The Yes Man.  This movie is what my 2009 is all about….being open to new opportunities.  When you say NO, you limit those opportunities.  When you say YES, anything is possible.  I don’t plan to take it as far as Jim Carrey did, but I do plan to go with a lot more YES’s than NO’s during 2009.  And it’s going to be a blast!!

 

I’ve talked to GI Joe a few times within the last few days.  He challenged me, indicating that I’m scared of “getting personal.”  Oh really?  Of course, most things we say to other people are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so I take that as an indication that he’s the one who’s scared.  So, with that, I invited him to the Nuggets game tonight.  I figured I’d call his bluff and give him an opportunity to come pick me up, take me to the game, walk me to my door and give me a kiss goodnight.  No pressure – just an opportunity to do so!  His response, “Why do you always do this to me?”  Is that a NO, then?  Apparently, whenever he has plans, I invite him to do something.  Okay, then.

 

Anyway, since I’m saying yes to things, whatever he invites me to do next, I’ll say yes.  Want to head to Vegas this weekend?  Yes.  Want to go bungee jumping on Saturday?  Yes.  Whatever he asks, I’m in.

 

Of course, that applies to next the guy who asks me out as well.  Even if the guy is gross…that’ll be a YES.  I can have one drink with a guy I’m not attracted to – I’ve done it before and survived just fine.  So, Universe, bring it.

My family got together Saturday night for a surprise birthday party for my aunt.  (She’s one of those December birthdays who get jacked because of Christmas, so we thought we’d show her some special attention.  My nephew is a December 29^th birthday too.  So big shout out to all you December birthdays – you guys rock!!)

 

Anyway, when my family gets together, it’s very much a tell-it-like-it-is environment.  Anything goes, nothing is sacred.  So we were talking about gift ideas for my grandparents.  I mentioned that my friend (you go girl!) suggested that I get them his/hers lubricant for their nekked adventures.  (Yes, they do still do THAT at age 90…without Viagra.)  Of course the funniest part was when I said, “Guess what my friend suggested I get them?”  And my uncle, without hesitation said, “What?  A swing?”  HUH?  Where did that come from? 

 

I’m not sure how it came up, but we had a brilliant product idea that is going to make millions.  Now, I’m going to share it here, but don’t go stealing my idea…or else.  Or else what, you say?  Just OR ELSE.  Or else is scary enough on its own.

 

So here’s the idea:  The Baby Boomers are getting older.  This is the generation that lived as hippies and yuppies, so they are no strangers to sexual exploration.  Hippies + Yuppies = Sex.  Yeah, I said it.  Eventually our generation will get older too and who doesn’t hope they’re still doing the Humpty Dance at age 90??  (“Cuz I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.”) 

 

So get this:  Crotchless Granny Panties.  Brilliant. 

 

That’s for the initial roll-out.  Phase Two involved Control Top Crotchless Panties.  This country is getting more overweight by the day.  And when you’re overweight, sometimes your naked confidence subsides.  But if you had Control Top Crotchless Panties – your man better watch out!! 

 

Anyway, so if you’d like to order some, please email me directly.  Let me know if you’d like them in White, Light Pink or Powder Blue.  All 100% cotton with an elastic waistband (and maybe a “Hanes” written across the top.)  I take all major credit cards.

Men baffle me. 

 

GI Joe and I talked last week about getting together to watch football yesterday.  Got a text from him on Saturday asking how my night was.  He admits that he spend the evening watching cartoons, which was funny because I spent the evening watching bad horror movies.  (Seriously, “The Ruins”?  Worst. Movie. Ever.)

 

So, Sunday morning comes and I think, okay, I’ll hear from him shortly to finalize our football watching plans.  If you’re unfamiliar, games start at 10am, 2pm and 6pm.  10am passes.  No word.  2pm passes.  No word.  So now I start to wonder if he’s playing the game waiting for me to make some effort and contact him (even though it was his idea – doesn’t that mean he does the planning?) 

 

About 3pm, I send him a text asking how his Army party Saturday night was.   He responds right back.  It was great, he’s hung over.  I say, well, it must’ve really been good then!  And that was that.  No mention of watching football.  HUH?

 

I just don’t understand boys.  The worst part is that I really don’t even care enough to bring it up and remind him that he dropped the ball.  Apparently, he’ll just fade into the background with the rest of my first dates of 2008. 

2009 – I’m so ready to see what you have to offer.

What’s the most logical next step if you’re so busy that you can’t even think straight?  Well, blog, of course!  I work, therefore I blog.

 

Just a few things before I share my latest revelation.  I should write a book of revelations.  Hey, isn’t that already in the bible or something?  They stole my idea.  So rude.

 

The losers are returning.  Within the last 2 days, I’ve had more emails/texts/messages from men who I thought had gotten the hint that I’m not interested.  One guy emails me saying that he’s making all the effort.  Valid point — until I realize that it’s been over a month since he’s emailed me.  Don’t start slinging allegations if you ain’t done sh*t either!  Oh yeah, and by the way, I didn’t email you because I don’t want to talk to you. 

 

I get a text from the guy who was supposed to be my Date #4 asking if he can get that rain check now.  Um, a few weeks after you were 2 hours late, I haven’t heard from you at all, and now you want a rain check?  Anyway.

 

And finally, I get an email from a guy who changes his user ID every few weeks.  He’d really like to get to know me – of course, I haven’t heard from him in over a month either, but now suddenly he has this overwhelming desire to experience my essence.  Uh huh.  See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.

 

So with that, I am going to see GI Joe this weekend.  Again, not excited, but not NOT excited.  Just going with the flow! 

 

And now for my latest revelation…are you sitting down?    *drum roll*

 

Being single doesn’t suck as bad as I might previously have thought.  WTF???  Did I just say that out loud?  Yes, that is a pig you just saw fly by your window.  And hell called, bring a coat.

 

Seriously though, I can do whatever I want – and that’s really kind of cool.  I get to eat Cocoa Puffs for dinner, pile up the laundry and the dishes, fill up my entire closet with shoes, and flirt with anyone I want!  I have (for the most part) stopped worrying about the future because I know that I can do anything.  I don’t have to consult, convince or compromise.  If I want to have a kid, I can.  If I want to spend the night (or an hour) with someone, I can.  And if I want to sleep alone and get a good night’s rest, I get to do that too. 

 

But the best part of it all is that I’ve stopped caring what people think.  I used to think that people looked at me with pity…or even wondering what was wrong with me.  Why am I single in my 30s?!?  But that’s when I realized it wasn’t really them looking at me like that.  It was me looking in the mirror.  And if people do see me that way, that’s their problem, not mine.  What people think of me is none of my business.

 

That’s one hell of an attitude change leaving 2008.  And I have a feeling that it’s just the beginning.  For 2009, I already have a new motto and I’m not waiting until January 1 to start living by it. 

 

My new motto is “I do what I want!!” 

 

People might be shocked by the things I’m going to do in 2009.  They might be excited or disappointed or not understand my reasons, but it doesn’t matter – because I’m doing exactly what I want.

I made it!!  Absolutely amazing, but I did – and even better, I exceeded my goal by about 9 minutes, 30 seconds.  I’m extremely thrilled with that considering I apparently don’t know how to pace myself, so I was pooped out by mile 6 and ended up walking the rest of the way.  How I managed that time, I have no idea!

 

It’s been a great experience by which I learned that I’m stronger than I think, I can do anything I set my mind to, and I have an amazing group of people supporting me in all that I do.

 

And now that I’ve accomplished that, I wonder what opportunities life will present me for my next feat.  First, I become a Certified Personal Trainer.  Next, 13.1 miles.  What else?!?

In the meantime, enjoy my view from just under 1 mile into the race – when I still had energy!  City Center construction on the left and Paris on the right.  All those fools I was about to pass in the center. 

 

13.1 miles on Sunday in under 3 hours.  That’s my goal for the half-marathon.  Of course, finishing, not dying, and enjoying the scenery are also at the top of the list.  And a little (okay, big) breakfast at Paris, an Elvis Pasta party and Mystere will work for me too!  But ultimately under 3 hours is my big goal.

 

And why?  What does it really matter if I finish in under 3 hours?  It doesn’t matter to anyone else, but me.  This is really the first time that I am doing something like this…COMPLETELY ALONE.  There won’t be anyone there to listen to me complain.  No one to encourage me to make it to the next mile marker.  Like Tupac says, “It’s just me against the world.”  Where “the world” is Las Vegas Blvd. 

 

So as I walk out of the giant pyramid at 6am to the start line, by myself, I have to believe with every ounce of my being that I can do this, I deserve this, and roughly 2 hours and 45 minutes later (go ahead – start an office pool!), they’ll be taking my sweaty, tired, hugely successfully amazing picture at the finish line.  I go girl. 

My underwear is inside out today.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I just wasn’t fully awake when I put them on.  Oops.  And it’s cold out, so I’m wearing tights…it’s not a quick fix.  Oh well.

 

I should’ve known by my underwear that it was going to be one of those days though!  On the bright side, my day is no where near as bad as my sister’s.  She called me this morning, in a panic, recognizing that only I would truly appreciate her morning trauma.  The story goes like this…

 

She was using the eyelash curler, which she’s used a thousand times before.  She’s a former model, so pretty much she knows what she’s doing.  But this morning, something happened.  For whatever reason, her hand slipped causing her to grasp really tight and yank, thereby removing the entire middle portion of her eyelashes.  She’s fairly dramatic, so I can only imagine the hilarity that ensued…experienced by everyone except my sister!

 

My nephew almost peed his pants laughing.  My brother-in-law was almost the subject of an ugly divorce because there was nothing he could do to fix it for her. 

 

So she regrouped and searched for any fake eyelashes she may have floating around the house.  Eureka – she found some!  However, they were part of her Halloween costume (I didn’t ask what she was) and were 3-inch long eyelashes.  (She said 3-inches, but I have a hard time believing that one.)  She puts them on and the tragedy is averted – until my nephew starts laughing even harder at the wind-producing costume accessories on her eyes.  (I sooooo wish I was there!)

 

She trimmed down the feather dusters and re-applied, once again, averting a tragedy.  However, she asked me to consult Mr. Internet to see how long eyelashes take to grow back.  Four to eight weeks.  She’ll be individually stimulating the economy and year-end results for Wal.greens by purchasing all of the fake eyelashes in stock.

 

And the best part of this whole thing?  I’ll be doing my half-marathon this weekend…so I’ll get to see her on Saturday.  Love it!  See, it can always be worse – at least inside out underwear is only visible to me.