It’s official.  I get to put the words CPT after my name and people can pay me to put together a workout program, which they may or may not follow. 

 

But now what? 

 

For 4 months, I’ve been focused on studying for my Personal Trainer exam.  When I was sitting doing nothing, I was thinking, “I should be studying.”  In looking at my calendar for the week, I would carve out evenings dedicated to studying.  I would take trips to Star.bucks so I could focus without the distractions of home. 

 

But now what do I do?

 

I suppose I could spend my time applying what I’ve learned…to myself.  And I have started doing that.  But because I’m such a good trainer, my program doesn’t take hours per day, so what do I do with the rest of my time?  I’m already volunteering with my women’s group, I have my side business, my book club, cooking classes and now my training schedule…and yet, all that isn’t enough. 

 

All of those things still can’t distract me from the fact that I’m alone and haven’t even had a date since spring.  Early spring.  Not even like the beginning of June when it’s almost summer, but still spring.  Nope.  My last date was right after it was technically spring on the calendar, but still snow on the ground.  Yeah, that long ago.   

 

So as full as my life is right now, why does it still feel empty?  It’s empty because there are still things missing that only another person can bring.  Another person brings experiences I can’t create by myself.  Even in the mundane tasks of daily life.  They bring new friends, new family, new lessons, new history and new growth.  They bring new restaurant recommendations, new must-see movies, new travel destinations, new adventures, but most of all new hope.

 

And I don’t have that.  One of my friends just told me that I’m “a catch.”  That’s great, but there is no chance in getting caught when all the fishermen are fishing with empty hooks.  You have to give me at least a little something to tempt me!  I’m not asking for a fresh meaty worm, even just a little of that fluorescent mushy stuff would do.  Somehow, I still believe I deserve a little more than just a bent piece of metal.

 

This is ridiculous.  I try to go natural and disaster happens.  First, I’m like a dog in heat, now I’ve got zits.  Seriously, is this puberty or what?  So next month, I’m back on birth control…it just makes so much more sense.

 

But do I intend on needing birth control?  Absolutely not.  Not with the um, how do I say this nicely?  Not with the completely hideous men that have been contacting me.  Yes, hideous is being nice. 

 

If you look like you could star as the grunting, inbred serial killer in a horror film – WITHOUT NEEDING MAKEUP OR A COSTUME – please don’t contact me.  If you’re “separated”, but still living with your wife, please don’t contact me.  If you need to advertise that you’re a student of kama sutra looking for a partner to practice with, please don’t contact me.  If you’re 39 and claim to like older women, don’t contact me.  (I’m 32, dumb ass – that hardly qualifies me as OLDER.)  If you feel like you need to mention the size of your schlong in your USER NAME (HugeD*ck2008 – I’m talking to you!!), please don’t contact me.  And finally, please use spell check.  I just don’t see myself getting involved with someone who like haiving fun, is probly the nicest guy I’ll ever meet and would like 2 get 2 no me.  Hey buddy, this isn’t a text message, feel free to use real words!  It’s called intelligence, people!  I know, I know, why do I have to be so picky??

 

So as you can see, online dating is going swell.  I have been contacted by a few men that I would be interesting in meeting – however, one is in California, one is in Missouri, one in New York.  You get the idea.  Apparently, Colorado doesn’t produce single, sane, attractive men.  And hell, we don’t even import them anymore!  It’s brutal right now…and I just don’t know what else I can be doing!  Suggestions anyone?  And if anyone says “lower your standards”, I swear you’re going to get a gut punch!!!!

I’m ovulating.  There, I said it.  And since I am no longer controlled by the 28-day pack of hormonal juiciness, I am strictly au naturel.  And what does that mean?  Well, before “THE PILL” (and seriously, how cool do you have to be to get that title?  I want to be THE WOMAN just because.)  Anyway, before the creative geniuses created the pill, women were on their own.  And what happened when they were ovulating?  They became ravenous, passionate beasts craving men like blood-thirsty vampires.  I saw that movie once.

 

So I’m ovulating.  And yesterday was rough.  I think the look in my eye scared away several men.  So, in a fit of desperate hormonal rage, I text messaged Credit Union Guy.  Remember him?  He’s a big fan of the appetizer and the sides, but we just never got to the main course.  And I’m not talking about food here.  Anyway, so we have a conversation via text about the things he wanted to do to me.  And he never mentioned the main course.  Right when I’m craving a tasty filet mignon, he offers me a hot wing and a side salad. 

 

And honestly, that conversation just killed the mood for me.  Suddenly, I no longer looked at him as a man with the parts I craved and I snapped out of my hypnotic state.  The thought of him suddenly repulsed me.  What could I have been thinking? 

 

So I survived this month…I may need to go back to my hormone candy for next month though.  I don’t know if I can handle ovulating naturally…at least not until it’s with a purpose.

I know it’s been a LOOOONNNNGGGGG time since I’ve blogged.  But, you see, I’ve been a little busy.  It’s a very real possibility that I might lose my job every single freakin’ day.  That’s what you get for working in the financial services industry!  And as much as I see that as an opportunity, I also envision the bills piling up and me not knowing what to do with them.  But, as I strive to live in the now, I have to go with what I have.  I have a job…and a paycheck on Friday.  And that’s that.

 

I went to the Intuitive class last night…it was about spirit guides and angels.  And during our meditation, I saw my spirit guide.  Good looking guy.  A bald, white guy, but still decent looking, and more than anything, comfortable.  And now he gets the opportunity to lead me into greatness.  Right on, baldy.  (That’s not really his name, but in order to protect his anonymity, I won’t use his real name here.  Like that matters, you say?  Shut up, he’s watching what I do!!) 

 

The psychic also had this woman stand up and talk about this upcoming seminar that I’ve already signed up for.  She went last year and her life has completely changed.  She was in a dead-end relationship, dead-end job and was just generally unsatisfied.  Now, she has a great new job and a great new relationship.  Perfect, I’m sold.  But like I said, I’m already signed up.  It’s a day and a half, extremely intense beginning of a journey.  But hey, I’ve got nothing else to do that weekend, and I might be unemployed anyway!  I’m in.

 

And a year from now, maybe she’ll pick me to get up and give a testimonial about how drastically improved my life is.

 

Oh, sweet, sweet change.  Scary as you seem, I’m ready for you to knock on my door and make yourself known.  Lead the way, baldy. 

It really is all about our perception.  I have an aura of sadness around me today.  I woke up sad, I drove to work sad, and I’m sitting here sad now.  But why?  Nothing has changed from yesterday to today.  Nothing but the date. 

 

And that’s exactly it.  Sometimes a date can make you think about where you were on this day in the past.  And that’s when you start to think about what could’ve been, what might’ve happened and how different things are today.  September 9^th.  It’s a date that I previously intended to remember forever.  But when I remembered last night, I realized it’s now a date that I wish I could forget.

How often to you reassess your place in life?  How often do you look at your life and analyze what things are working, what you really need and what you could be doing better?  And especially, how often do you look at the things you’re doing that AREN’T working or don’t need to be done anymore?  I did that this weekend.  Here’s what I came up with…

 

I stopped taking birth control.  I don’t need it for cycle regulation reasons.  I don’t need it for birth control reasons, so I’m not taking it anymore.

 

I bought a pair of pants that are a larger size than I have been buying/wearing.  I don’t want to wear that size, but that’s what fits me, so that’s what I had to buy.

 

I’ve given up the idea that I’m going to be laid off, receive three month severance and collect unemployment while I find my life’s passion.  As much as I’d like that, I’ve decided I simply need to take action instead of waiting for action to happen to me.

 

After spending Saturday in a class of women who are all married with children, I was depressed.  I have nothing in common with these people, so I felt like a freak.  Until I realized that I do have some things in common with them.  We are all demonstrators for the same company.  We are all women.  Instead of feeling like I’m out on an island, I chose to focus on our commonalities.  That seems to make it not suck so much.

 

And isn’t that pretty much what we’re all looking for…just to make life not suck so much???

You know you watched it.  And if you didn’t, you know you wanted to.  The new 90210.  I hung in there for the 45 minutes, then decided that I’d already spent too much time with it, so I ventured over to Wipeout.  John Henson.  People getting hit.  Falling into the water.  Great TV.  Good thing Top Model starts tonight…hey, that’s almost the same as Wipeout, just without the John Henson.  I know – John Henson should be a guest judge on Top Model!!  Tyra, are you listening?  THAT would be quality TV.

 

So let’s talk for a minute about job hunting.  I’ve been doing that lately, but am I passionate about any of them?  Not really.  And why?  Well, I’m still just not sure what I want to do.  I have ideas in my head.  I know how my ideal job would look…it’s just a matter of finding that company to give me a chance to connect those two things.  I’ve been thinking about how companies post jobs they have available and then you have to decide if you fit into their bucket of qualifications.  If the location, salary and hours work for you, you can apply.

 

But what if we did it the other way?  What if I picked out companies I wanted to work for, told them what I’m capable of and what I’m looking for, and let them decide if they have a position that fits me?  Ideally, that’d work, but at the same time, who has time to look at every resume that comes in – especially in this market?  So, how do I make it different?  How do I stand out to potential employers? 

 

I’m just thinking out loud now, but if I come up with any brilliant ideas, I’ll let you know!