It’s Friday. July 25th. I knew this day would come, but when they originally told me the date, it seemed so far away. I didn’t worry. Now I’m so scared, I might just hurl. Come Monday, I’m all alone in my department at work. I get to do everything. When I first started here, there were four people. Now, there is just me. Unfortunately, I feel like I know about 40% of what I should know in order to do this job. I should’ve paid more attention in my Finance classes. I should’ve taken more Excel and computer classes. I should’ve listened when they were teaching me things. Shoulda woulda coulda, but sure as hell didn’t. So now I’m pretty much f’d up the a$$ with a 10-foot pole, and it just doesn’t feel good.
Fortunately, my horoscope (when in doubt, check your horoscope) keeps talking about the major change that’s going to occur in August. Yay for August! Could be a change in a relationship (when you don’t have one, it’s all an improvement from here!) or a change in a job situation (again, when you don’t want the one you have, it’s all an improvement!) Okay, August, let’s do the damn thing and get this party started.
Of course, before August happens, the end of July happens. My twenty-twelve birthday. Yikes. I can definitely say I’m very surprised by my life at this point. I’m surprised, not only with the fact that I’m not married, much less in a relationship, have no kids, and a job I hate. But I’m also surprised by the fact that I don’t really care anymore. When the right time comes for changes to be made, they’ll be made. And if I never get married, have kids, or have a fulfilling career, it’s sad, but there’s a purpose for that too. Maybe it’s the lessons I have to learn. Maybe I have to learn those lessons by myself.
I don’t know why I picked this life. But I do know that I’ll make the changes I can and do what’s right for me along the way. I’m no longer willing to be in a relationship that’s not right. I’m not willing to put up with a lack of respect…and I shouldn’t have to. But of course, with that, I risk being alone…and so far, that’s what I’ve been.
The hardest part is that these experiences are gifts I wanted to give the people around me too. I love my friends and family, but I may not be able to give them the things I’d like. My nephews may never have a fun uncle or cousins to push around. My mom may never have grandkids to babysit overnight when I need a break. My friends may never be bridesmaids, help me plan a wedding, or hear over and over the story of how he proposed. We may never get to compare notes about what it feels like to be pregnant. Our kids won’t play together and our husbands won’t gather around the grill, drinking beer and making up stories at the 4th of July picnic.
So as the title of this post implies, I apologize. Given the right situation, I’ll jump at the opportunity to give you these gifts…but mostly, I’m sorry that I may not be able to.
