I got home yesterday and opened my front door to get my newspaper.  Right on my front steps, just sitting there looking at me, was a bird.  It was a robin (which I know only because of my friend Google.)  He stared at me and I stared at him.  I bent down to pick up the newspaper, he still sat there, just watching me.  I had a box that had been delivered, so I bent down to pick that up, he still sat there.  It wasn’t until I turned to go inside that he flew away.

 

Okay, that was weird.  I wondered if he was hurt or sick, but he flew away, so there goes that theory.

 

I went about my business.

 

A few hours later, I go to check the mail.  I open the front door, no bird.  Whew.  I saw that movie The Birds and I’m just not ready to star in the remake.  All is well until I look at my bench on the front porch.  He’s on the freakin’ arm rest.  Same bird.  Just looking at me.  So I took his picture.

 

 

I get the mail, he’s still there.  I go inside, he’s still there.  I watch him out of the window…he’s chirping.  Thirty minutes later, still there, still chirping.  So I’m creeped out…why is he here…what does he want??

 

I decide, bird or no bird, I need to water my plants.  So I go out there.  He looks at me.  I walk over by him and lean over to turn on the hose.  He flies away.  But I can still hear him chirping in the tree at the bottom of my stairs.  And of course he left me a little present on my porch (damn bird probably has bird flu.) 

 

That was the last I saw of him, but I decided that he might’ve had another purpose than just to sh*t on my porch, so I look up the symbolism, just in case. 

 

“NEW BEGINNINGS, NEW GROWTH, HAPPINESS, JOY.” 

 

And his message?  “LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH AND BE HAPPY!”

 

Well, okay then.  Can’t argue with that.

Age 32.  Here I go.  No one can stop me except me…and I don’t plan on stopping me!  Because I like lists, here’s my list of things to do this year (and when):

 

1. Find a new job.  Not a job that I’ve taken for the money or because I have to, but rather, a job that I truly want to experience. (Before the end of 2008.)
2. Pass my Personal Trainer exam (Around Labor Day 2008.)
3. Get my Nutrition Specialist Certification (Sept. 2008.)
4. Take a trip to Vegas (Sept-Oct 2008.)  I’m sure I’ll go more than that, but for now, that’s the goal.
5. Have a date for New Year’s Eve. (Dec. 31, 2008.)
6. Take a cruise (Spring 2009.)
7. Exercise more days than not (Ongoing.)

 

That’s all!  Seven simple things for me to do during my 32^nd year.  The cool part is most of these things are things that I am in control of – things I’m doing for me.  For a few, I’ll need a little cooperation from others, but no worries, I’ll get that!

 

And I know goals are supposed to be measureable, but you know, there’s also a list of things I’d like to be mindful of in my 32^nd year, so here’s that list as well.  (You know if you publish things like this on the internet, you have to be a little more accountable than if you just have a secret list in your head!)

 

1. Have fun!  Life really isn’t that serious!
2. Remember that the bad times don’t last, but neither do the good.
3. Trust the journey.
4. Know that I am enough in all instances.
5. Actions based on feelings are typically more successful than actions based on thoughts. 

 

As you can see, it’s going to be a busy year!  Busy, but fun!

 

Ultimately, all these lists and all these goals can actually be summed up into one simple four-letter word.  (No, not that one!) 

 

LIVE. 

 

EXPERIENCE.  FEEL.  BE.

 

Yes, it really is that simple.  It took me 32 years to finally figure that out.  Three cheers to 32 – my true birth day – the day I actually started living.

It’s Friday.  July 25^th.  I knew this day would come, but when they originally told me the date, it seemed so far away.  I didn’t worry.  Now I’m so scared, I might just hurl.  Come Monday, I’m all alone in my department at work.  I get to do everything.  When I first started here, there were four people.  Now, there is just me.  Unfortunately, I feel like I know about 40% of what I should know in order to do this job.  I should’ve paid more attention in my Finance classes.  I should’ve taken more Excel and computer classes.  I should’ve listened when they were teaching me things.  Shoulda woulda coulda, but sure as hell didn’t.  So now I’m pretty much f’d up the a$$ with a 10-foot pole, and it just doesn’t feel good.

 

Fortunately, my horoscope (when in doubt, check your horoscope) keeps talking about the major change that’s going to occur in August.  Yay for August!  Could be a change in a relationship (when you don’t have one, it’s all an improvement from here!) or a change in a job situation (again, when you don’t want the one you have, it’s all an improvement!)  Okay, August, let’s do the damn thing and get this party started.

 

Of course, before August happens, the end of July happens.  My twenty-twelve birthday.  Yikes.  I can definitely say I’m very surprised by my life at this point.  I’m surprised, not only with the fact that I’m not married, much less in a relationship, have no kids, and a job I hate.  But I’m also surprised by the fact that I don’t really care anymore.  When the right time comes for changes to be made, they’ll be made.  And if I never get married, have kids, or have a fulfilling career, it’s sad, but there’s a purpose for that too.  Maybe it’s the lessons I have to learn.  Maybe I have to learn those lessons by myself.

 

I don’t know why I picked this life.  But I do know that I’ll make the changes I can and do what’s right for me along the way.  I’m no longer willing to be in a relationship that’s not right.  I’m not willing to put up with a lack of respect…and I shouldn’t have to.  But of course, with that, I risk being alone…and so far, that’s what I’ve been.

 

The hardest part is that these experiences are gifts I wanted to give the people around me too.  I love my friends and family, but I may not be able to give them the things I’d like.  My nephews may never have a fun uncle or cousins to push around.  My mom may never have grandkids to babysit overnight when I need a break.  My friends may never be bridesmaids, help me plan a wedding, or hear over and over the story of how he proposed.  We may never get to compare notes about what it feels like to be pregnant.  Our kids won’t play together and our husbands won’t gather around the grill, drinking beer and making up stories at the 4^th of July picnic.

 

So as the title of this post implies, I apologize.  Given the right situation, I’ll jump at the opportunity to give you these gifts…but mostly, I’m sorry that I may not be able to.

I had a dream last night.  I was on a plane waiting to take off.  We were hours late and everyone was getting restless.  Finally, one of the flight attendants confessed that the other flight attendant wasn’t going to make it, so they were canceling the flight.  Everyone was mad – and mad especially at the guy who didn’t show up for work.  I said, “People just don’t think about how they affect other people.”  At that moment, I saw where the missing flight attendant was.  He had been in a car accident – killed by a drunk driver…and I realized how interconnected we all really are.  The flight attendant ruined vacation for a plane full of people, but the drunk driver took the life of the flight attendant, and who knows what situation caused the drunk driver to drink. 

 

Today’s Lesson:  We are all interconnected.  Notice the effect people have on you and the effect you have on people – and understand that you can’t see the full effects of your actions.  You do affect other people in everything you do.  So why not choose to spread positivity to others?  In essence…pay it forward…the effects are never-ending.

 

Other tidbits of knowledge for today…I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m studying to receive my Personal Trainer Certification.  Last night I was reading about RER (Respiratory Exchange Rate) – basically the flow of O2 into CO2 an H2O.  That ratio determines what your body burns – fat or glucose (carbs).  Of course we all want to burn fat!  BUT, the lowest RER possible is 71.  At 71, we are burning 100% fat.  Here’s the lesson with this one:  The only way to get to 71 RER is to be completely at rest.  Sleep.  That’s why they say you need sleep just as much as you need exercise when you’re trying to lose weight!  Of course, the time spent burning calories as fat while sleeping is not as efficient as exercising to burn calories, so you should still exercise to burn more calories overall.  But, rest is important too!  Good news!!  I love my bed!!

 

Another tidbit – with my recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism, I’ve been exploring other things I can do to increase the effectiveness of my thyroid.  Now, keep in mind that I also showed abnormal kidney function on my test results (also present on my test results from a few months ago.)  Symptoms of potassium deficiency include underactive thyroid and abnormal kidney function.  Interestingly enough, I stopped eating bananas 6 – 9 months ago…right about the same time I started gaining weight! 

 

Potassium counteracts sodium and without enough potassium, cells tend to accumulate water, resulting in cellular and bodily edema…essentially weight gain.  Well, duh!!  So I bought some bananas last night and I intend on eating 2 per day to see if that makes a difference.  Don’t get me wrong, there is potassium in other fruits and vegetables, seeds, nuts, etc.  BUT, because my weight gain seems to coincide with the absence of bananas, I’m trusting in power of the banana!

Hypothyroidism it is!  At least I have a diagnosis for why I’ve gain 20 pounds in the last year, in spite of exercising A LOT more and eating better.  Yeah, yeah, muscle weighs more than fat, and I’ve gained muscle.  But realistically, if you’ve gained 5 lbs of muscle and 15 lbs of fat, that’s still an unnecessary 15 lbs.!!   

 

If nothing else, it should also be a good sign that my cholesterol has dropped by 40 points in the last few months.  I’m doing something right – even if I haven’t yet seen the results physically! 

 

So I started on my drugs on Saturday…a low dose of extra thyroid jump start hormones.  Now, technically these drugs are steroids (any naturally occurring substance that you supplement is really a steroid.)  And since Saturday, I have an occasional stomach ache.  I’ve been slightly depressed.  And I threw a fit because my phone wasn’t working, yelled at my mom in the process and threw the phone against the wall.  Sounds like ‘Roid Rage to me!  Of course, a few minutes later I apologized and got myself together…but seriously, where did that come from?  I suppose you F with drugs, drugs are gonna F with you.

 

So mental note, when the doc asks – side effects are Incredible Hulk mood swings (minus the turning green part) and upset tummy.  Or maybe the tummy thing is due to the Taco Bell I ate an hour ago.  Hmm. 

During the last 5 days, I did the following:  Flew to Vegas (after getting on, then off, then on the plane due to a security breach.  Doh); drove to Utah; drank too many Tom Collins (who knew those were good??  It’s all about the muddled fruit!); successfully rode an ATV on a “more difficult” trail; shot cans with a  BB gun – and hit the can 4 times in a row for a family record; saw my Brother-in-Law grill dinner – drunk – and in his boxers – we’re still not sure why his clothes ended up in a pile at the bottom of the stairs; saw a ton of deer, wild turkeys and even a bobcat; went for a hike; learned a few new kick-ass recipes; saw Hancock; got lost in Vegas construction; and headed home.  Good times, I tell you.  Good times. 

 

As if that weren’t enough, I went to the Intuitive Class last night and got up to tell a story in front of 150 people – with a microphone.  I’m still not sure what possessed me to raise my hand, but before I knew it, I was up there talking away.  Wow.  Okay.  Nothing bad happened, and I didn’t make a fool of myself, I just did it.  And it felt good to realize I can pretty much do anything!!  There’s no room for fear here!!

 

So now I’m back – and refreshed.  Although I have discovered that I don’t really care about work.  I mean, that’s not a surprise really, it’s just I’m admitting it now.  I promised my nephews that, if my company shut down, I’d be back out there to visit in a heartbeat.  But what’s weird is that I’m almost assuming my company is going to shut down in August.  And I’m okay with it.  I’ve got more fulfilling things to do in my future and this place is just holding me back.  But I suppose because I stay here, I’m holding me back.  Hmm.  Oh well, I’m looking to see what else is out there and hoping for a 3-month severance.  Keep hope alive, people!

 

So that’s my update.  I’m not just surviving, I’m thriving – and it totally kicks ass!!

Sometimes it takes a comment from an acquaintance for us to realize how we’ve changed.  One of my co-workers saw me today and immediately said, “Why are you smiling?  You look like you know a secret.”  And I thought, she’s right, I am smiling!  And she’s right I do have a secret! 

 

Since we’re all friends here, I’m going to go ahead and share my secret, which really may not be a big secret at all. 

 

The secret is this:  EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. 

 

No, really.  Seriously.  Understanding this has brought me a calmness that I’ve never experienced before…and to some extent never thought was possible.  The reason I never thought it was possible was because I thought I had to be in a certain place or have certain things before I could experience this feeling.

 

I thought – as soon as I find the right guy, I’ll be happy.  As soon as I have a family, I’ll be happy.  When I get into a career I love, I’ll be happy.  But you know what?  I’m happy NOW – and without all those things.  It’s a weird feeling for me, so I keep questioning it.  Is there really a reason I’ve been catching myself smiling for no reason, peaceful as I fall asleep at night, letting all anger and frustration go?  Not really – it just seems to be how I’m choosing to live my life now.

 

And it is a choice.  One I make every morning.  And this morning, I chose to smile.

Okay, I’ll just put it out there.  I’ll marry you, Jason!!  I was very disappointed when Bachelorette DeAnna denied my Jason last night in favor of a dirty, so not as cute snowboarder.  (Yes, it’s these important things that keep me up late at night.)  And so I’m putting it out there – if she doesn’t want Jason, I would gladly accept his proposal.  “But wait – you don’t really date white guys,” you say?  Well, there are exceptions.  Howie Long.  Jake Ryan.  Jason from the Bachelorette.  It’s all good.  Unity in the community, people.

 

I experienced a miracle last night.  If you’re familiar with Louise Hay, she has this book called You Can Heal Your Life – it started out as a pamphlet in the 50’s and it’s grown from there.  She says that most things that are physically wrong with us are actually due to a mental block of some sort.  This is from the woman who was sexually abused as a child, got cervical cancer in her 40s, finally did the work to let go of her abuse, went into surgery — and they couldn’t find any cancer.  And it’s never returned.  She healed her life simply by dealing with her past.  Incredible woman – now age 82, but seriously, she may just live forever.   

 

ANYWAY, a little background.  I’m nearly legally blind (well, maybe not THAT bad.)  I’ve worn glasses/contacts since I was 8.  So I go to the eye doc yesterday thinking that she’s going to tell me that my vision is worse since I’ve been having trouble seeing clearly lately.  But she shocked me.  My vision has IMPROVED.  WTF?  My vision has NEVER improved!  I thought she was insane.  I thought someone should check HER vision.  She checked my prescription 3 times just to make sure.  She gave me a sample pair of contacts with my new and improved correct prescription and as I drove home, the world was unbelievably clear.  It was absolutely incredible!!  Weird, but incredible!

 

So I started thinking, maybe this has something to do with the fact that I’m seeing things much differently than I was a year ago at my last check-up.  I referred to Louise Hay’s book.  Vision problems, particularly nearsightedness means, “Fear of what’s to come.  Lack of trust in the future.”  Well, no sh*t, Sherlock.  A year ago, I was scared to death about the future.  Now, I’ve let it go – the future is going to come whether I like it or not.  And it’s going to come how it wants to.  I’m just here to enjoy the ride.  And, as a result, I can see!  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But fascinating?  ABSOLUTELY!

R. Kelly and Aaliyah tried to tell me that age ain’t nuthin’ but a number.  Throwin’ down ain’t nuthin’ but a thang.  But it seems I’m being constantly reminded of my age now.  Twenty days until my 32^nd birthday.  Twenty days of 31 left.  31 was the year of growth – becoming who I truly am – finding my spirit – and forgiving the past.  What will 32 be??

 

I went hiking yesterday.  I know – I couldn’t believe it either!  And although my weight isn’t the lowest it’s ever been, I’m probably in better physical shape now than I ever have been.  I’m feel strong and it feels good.  I was hiking with 25yr olds – and I was leading the pack!  I was setting the pace, pushing them to keep going when they wanted to quit, and warning them of upcoming hazards.  Awww yeah.  It felt amazing to know I was doing something for me – only confirmed by the fact that as we reached the car after almost 3 hours of hiking, it started pouring rain.  Perfect divine timing.  It waited to rain until we were done.  Amazing.

 

One of the girl’s boyfriend of 7 years has been hanging out with a 19-yr old.  Doing what?  Well, we’d like to think it’s not happening, but it is.  He’s 29.  Why are men such a$$holes sometimes?  So she’ll be breaking up with him this week – but still – 7 years??  She gives him 7 years and ends up with this.  Wow.  She seemed like she was dealing with it okay.  Of course she’s hurt and wants him to fight for the relationship, but she also realizes she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with her.  You go girl.  Took me some time to realize that one!

 

So age-wise, I felt old hanging out with these young spring chickens…until I realized that I’m still a young spring chicken too – only smarter.  Because of the experiences I’ve had and the lessons I’ve learned, I’m in a better place now than I was at age 25.  I finally get it.  It’s not about being the first one to get married or have kids or have a successful career.  It’s not about a big house or a nice car.  It’s about figuring out who you are, who you want to become and what it’s going to take to get there.  All the other things are just a bonus.

 

As another reminder of my young spring chicken status, I got an invitation to a birthday party today.  It’s a birthday party for the former “other woman”.  It’s her 40^th birthday.  40.  Damn.  She’s still single and would still love to have kids, but she’s 40.  Ouch.  Don’t get me wrong – she still looks great for 40 – she’s still modeling, so that’s great for her.  But 40.  I just keeping thinking that her eggs don’t know she looks good.  Her body’s going to hit menopause when it wants to, not when she’s ready for it.

 

And that made me appreciate being 31.  The next 20 days are going to be great because I’m going to make them great!  It’s going to be busy though – another trip to Vegas, visiting the eye doc, dentist, and having a physical.  Taking my car in, going to the Intuitive class, a BBQ, and meeting a friend for drinks.  Taking a cooking class, hitting the gym, studying personal training and eating my homegrown fruits and veggies.  (Sidenote:  I sprouted strawberries and a jalapeno pepper this weekend – they’re simply perfect!)  As you can see, these 20 days are going to go fast.  But not once will I forget to appreciate how far I’ve come in this last year.  It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been necessary.  Thank you to everyone who’s helped me through my 31^st year – friends, family, authors and motivational speakers…I couldn’t have done it without you!

This weekend was…WOW.  I’ve got some new ways of doing things that I think will really help me in the long run.  Just a few highlights:

 

ü      In my past life regression, I was from a poor family in India.  They were marrying me into a rich family to this guy who was just gross, sweaty and drunk and just disgusting.  Anyway, I married him, went to my room and slit my wrists.  Then I saw the effect that had on my parents…they were devastated.  Afterwards we transferred an object with someone next to us for a reading.  The highlights of my reading:  the color blue, India, sharks and dolphins.  Weird!!

ü      I took a class on Self Improvement for Smart People.  My mom told me once that the more intelligent you were, the least likely chance you could be happy because you see what’s really going on.  But you know what?  She had it backwards!!  It has to do with the definition of intelligence.  Intelligent people stay true to themselves and do what they love, so they ARE happy!  The rest of us, who are barely surviving, hating what we’re doing, not enjoying our experience, we’re the ones acting stupid!!

ü      Then I had another Aha Moment.  I am in this room, in this city, on the side of this planet, in the middle of all these infinite stars with infinite galaxies…how incredible is THAT when you really stop to think about it??  (I swear I didn’t do any drugs!)  All of a sudden, all those little worries and concerns that consume my life seem so small and insignificant!!  Who cares if I never get married?  Who cares if I don’t have kids?  I’m here.  And that’s a miracle in itself.

ü      Did you know that the electric and magnetic fields on the Earth are recorded?  And did you know that on September 11^th, both of these fields spiked dramatically?  You can’t tell me that the Earth doesn’t feel emotion!  There’s actually a study starting next month that explores that same idea.  www.globalcoherenceproject.com – very cool stuff.

 

More than anything, I was able to more deeply explore how to change negative thoughts into positive ones.  I’ve already started – and honestly, it feels refreshing!  Each time I have a recurring negative thought, I stop, write it down, and then write down the opposite, more positive thought, repeat it a few times and moving on.  I deserve to be treated well and it starts with how I treat myself!  These aren’t difficult concepts – it’s just understanding them and applying them!!

 

In the midst of all this enlightenment, I did discover a moment of true serenity where the world was completely perfect and my heart felt a love I’ve never imagined before.  Cinnamon gelato.  O.M.G.  Seriously.  Cinnamon gelato could perform miracles if we just give it the chance.  Ending wars.  Spreading peace.  Creating kindness.  I’m starting a campaign to encourage daily consumption of cinnamon gelato – so let’s join together – C.G. for president.  Hip, hip hooray!!  (Once again, I swear I didn’t do any drugs!!)

 

Anyway, so my new attitude says life is exciting, amazing, and truly a mystery.  Just when you think you have it figured out, the scene changes.  So, rather than getting upset, I am choosing to enjoy the ride.  Of course there are times when we’ll be sad, frustrated or disappointed.  That’s part of it.  But that’s also the part of it that helps us realize when we feel happy, excited or just thrilled to be here.  Without left, there is no right.  Without top, there is no bottom.  And without cinnamon, there is no gelato.  And so it is!