Did you catch Oprah yesterday?  Past life regressions – episode two?  They recognized that this may or may not be real and you don’t have to believe it if you don’t want to.  And one girl who did it admitted she didn’t believe in it before she did it – and even afterwards, she wonders how much her mind simply made up – whether it was part fantasy.  But she did also admit that she felt better and hasn’t had any nightmares since.  Hmm – does it matter if it’s real if it helps her heal?

 

Well, you know the Dr. who does the past life regressions?  I’m spending the day with him on Friday.  True, it’ll be in a class with other people, but I’m excited/scared/nervous to see what comes out.  And of course curious to see how my life changes afterwards.

 

For whatever reason, I seem to be having a block in my life right now.  Despite exercising (like a mad woman) and eating right, I’m struggling to lose weight.  I hate less than love my job and am pissed not happy that I have to be here.  I’m single and am losing hope that I’ll ever have a decent relationship.  I want kids, but am not ready yet to go down that path on my own yet.  I just feel stuck.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is a plan for each of us.  But I also believe we have to find the right path – and we have to go through some struggles to appreciate our lessons.  But damn. 

 

I guess the only thing that seems to be going right is my studying for my Personal Trainer Cert.  (It sure would help to know that I can get my booty in shape before I start trying to work on other people though!)  Last night was study night for me, but it was hot in my house – so I went to Star.bucks, pulled up a chair and an Iced Chai Tea and got through another chapter.

 

Did you know if you don’t breathe correctly continuously (shallow chest breathing), it can affect your posture by using and strengthening incorrect muscles?  It can also cause headaches, dizziness and poor sleep patterns.  So just for today, BREATH PEOPLE!!  Take 5 minutes to breath deeply and slowly, expanding your belly as with each inhale.  And then close your eyes and smile because this is exactly where you’re supposed to be.  You have everything you need in this moment and it’s only going to get better from here.

It’s very rare to find someone who actually WANTS to be single.  True, they might not want to marry and they might just want companionship without commitment, but they don’t want to be alone.  I was reading my With Or Without A Man book (about how to be satisfied single or not) this weekend and I was very disturbed.  It talked about how we all need human touch – starting when we’re babies – if we have human contact, we thrive.  Without touch, there are all sorts of problems.  So the book talks about needing touch (hugs from friends count, etc.), and I think about how I go to work, go to the gym and go home – and if I were to hug anyone along the way, they’d likely punch me.  Okay, so how am I suppose to thrive like that?

 

It goes on to discuss having, ahem,  “needs”…and how sometimes, it’s the physical intimacy you crave, so doing it on your own just isn’t that effective.  In that case, the book recommends finding a friend with benefits, having one-night stands and if that doesn’t work, you can sleep with married men, explore polygamy or become a lesbian.  WHAAA???  (No seriously, there are sections on each of those!)

 

I should’ve put the book down right then, but I’m a glutton for punishment so I keep on reading.  It talks about the decision to become a single mother by choice.  If you decide to go that route, your choices are:  selecting a donor and doing IUI, finding a friend to donate (via IUI or the old-fashioned way), finding a man to be your co-parent, or simply finding a man (for one night or more, married or not) whom you just don’t tell that you’re not protected.  And then of course you have the choice as to if you want to tell him he’s going to be a father – or you can just take his seed and run.   HUH?  I’m actually surprised that there wasn’t a section on how to poke holes in condoms or how to get him drunk enough so he won’t even think about birth control.  Seriously. 

 

I’m not really sure if the author’s point is to give comfort to single women that we do have choices here (no matter how immoral or unrealistic) – or if she’s just simply insane.

 

So to twist the knife a little more, I spent yesterday afternoon watching a marathon on the Reality Channel of a show called Solitary.  I thought it was the story of my life, but no, it was a contest where if you’re the last one standing, you win $50,000.  You go in a box and do challenges against other contestants, meanwhile a computer lady talks you through everything.  (The best part is that the computer lady swears.  Ha!)  And of course being deprived of light, food, sleep and human contact, these people tend to get a little bit wacky.  It cracked me up that one of the first contestants to leave was a lady who just got engaged and was missing her fiance.  Mothers and married people dropped like flies.  Even funnier that the guy who won was single with no kids.  Well, no kidding – we live like that everyday!  If they allowed bets in Vegas, I’d make millions off this show.  But where’s the “contest” part of the show?  Those people never had a chance.  And logically, because the winner still lives with his parents and has at least that human contact, I’d beat his ass in a heartbeat.  So most importantly, where’s my $50,000 for living a Solitary life??!?!?!?

 

 

 

I noticed the books on my nightstand last night.  There are about 15 books all lined up.  Books about dating, books about finding your true self, etc.  But I noticed, regardless of the topic, most of these books had something in common.  About half-way through, there’s a little piece of paper sticking out – a make-shift bookmark marking the place where I’ve stopped reading.  Apparently, I have trouble finishing things.  I don’t know why I do this – I’ll get into the book, be completely involved and then get distracted by another one, start that one, and same thing.  Some of these books haven’t been touched for over a year.  I have good intentions, but something happens!

 

So after making that observation last night, reassuring myself that I really do have good intentions and promising myself to someday finish each one, I come across this quote this morning:

 

“Indecision is the grave yard of good intentions.”

 

OMFG, it’s because I can’t decide!  Or rather, WON’T decide.  Contrary to popular belief though, I am capable of making decisions. 

 

But why do I hesitate to make decisions until I’m forced to?  If I’m at a restaurant and having trouble deciding what to order, I’ll narrow it down to two, then see what pops out of my mouth when the waiter asks.  That’s dumb, why not just decide before he gets there?

 

On a larger scale than just my next meal, decisions cause change.  Change can be scary.  At least I know where I’m at now – as sh*tty as it may be, I know what to expect (even if it’s nothing.)  But if I decide something, anything could happen – good, bad, amazing or not.  And then what do I do?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I talk all the time about making decisions.  “I’m going to start a new fitness program.”  “I’m going to figure out what I want to do with my life.”  “I’m going to be more available to meeting new people.” “I’m going to go on Oprah.”  Whatever it is, I talk about what I’m going to do, instead of what I AM doing.  And I think that’s part of the reason I don’t finish things – I talk about it instead of just doing it. 

 

If you don’t know me in real life, I live and die by Nike.  I’ve designed Nikes with my name on them.  I have more pairs that you can imagine.  And I wear all of them.  (Have you tried the 360’s?  LOVE THEM!)  I own Nike stock.  I love their advertising, the way they inspire – and Jordan, oh how I love Jordan.  But I’ve also forgotten the tagline that is most likely the most recognizable in the world.  JUST DO IT.  Quit f’ing talking about it and get it done.  Take action.  Now.  No planning, no list making, no good intentions.  Simple decisive action.  JUST DO IT.  That’s all you really have to do. 

 

You see, doing is living.  Talking about it changes nothing.  Along these same lines, I saw a dying man on TV the other day.  He was asked if he had any advice for his preteen daughter for when she starts dating.  He said, “Always believe a man’s actions and not his words.”  So when you’re talking, there a chance no one will believe you.  When you’re taking action, they can’t help but to believe you.  Action makes it real.  Action causes change.

 

So here we go – back to basics.  Whatever it is, Just Do It!

Who is my Authentic Self anyway?  It’s who I’d be if I didn’t look for approval, didn’t necessarily do what’s expected of me, and didn’t care what other people think.  But I don’t know who that is because I’ve never met her before!  I’ve always done what’s expected of me.  And I’m damn good at it, if I must say so myself!

 

But I’m changing now.  I’m getting closer to finding what I want.  When the psychic was talking to me last night (because she does talk directly to me – forget the other 150 people in the room – she’s there for me), she asked what I have to lose by being my Authentic Self.  Um, a job I hate, being single, bad moods and negative thoughts?  Gee, when you put it like that, why wouldn’t I be my Authentic Self? 

 

I guess the scary part is figuring out who she is.  What does she like to do in her spare time?  What ideas would she have if there were no limitations?  Does she still like ice cream?  And most importantly, what does she watch on TV???

 

As the psychic gave examples of how to listen to your heart instead of your head, I realized I’ve already started listening.  At the end of April, I got my CPR/AED certification.  How random, you say.  For what?  Well, it’s required for a Personal Trainer Certification.  And as we speak the study materials for my Personal Trainer Cert are on my kitchen table.  I’m not sure why I’m doing this, or what I’m going to do with it when I get it.  But right now, it feels like the right thing to do.  I feel.  Logically, it doesn’t make sense.  But that’s exactly how I know it’s right – because I feel it. 

 

Am I scared?  Absolutely!  What if I don’t pass the test?  What if I actually DO decide to do something with this?  What if one day I get to quit the job I hate that pays the bills and work for myself, on my own schedule??  OMG – what if I succeed????  Hell yeah, it’s scary!  But even with all those fears, it still feels like the right thing to do.  Those fears aren’t going to stop me.  They’re not real.  “What ifs” aren’t WHAT IS.

 

Another revelation from last night related to my personal life.  We always hear that we all have exactly what we need at exactly the right moment.  Even if it’s not our ideal situation, there’s a lesson from it – and we need that lesson to move forward.  I have heard that a thousand times before, but last night, it hit me.  (Cue dramatic music.)

 

I DON’T NEED A MAN. 

 

If I did, I’d have one.  And when I do, he’ll be there.  When it comes time to have kids, I’ll have a man or I’ll have a sample of lively swimmers.  Dim the lights, warm the vial and get ready for action.  Or maybe it’ll be a nice romantic evening, or a quickie before work.  But it’ll happen as it’s supposed to – when I need it. 

Seriously, it’s like the skies parted and out came all these single, available men.  Here are the men I’ve talked to in the last few days:

 

1.      Connecticut Guy:  Asks me how in the world I could possibly still be single. EXACTLY!!

2.      Steve-O:  Works in sports, but lives over an hour away.  Nice guy, but maybe a little hesitant to get into a relationship after being cheated on my 2 ex-wives.

3.      K-Dog:  Used to play in the NFL, VERY cute, but has kids and lives in Dallas.  Aside from the one available frequent flier planet ticket I have, it’s just not convenient.

4.      CU Guy:  Yes, he’s still around.  We tried to go to a sneak preview movie, but got there too late, so we ended up right back home watching Discovery channel, like always.  See what happens when we try to go out?  He suggested we try again tonight to go somewhere, but I’ve got the Intuitive Class, so maybe tomorrow.  It kind of seems like he wants to start seeing me more often though…hmm, that might start to seem a little like “dating” to me.  I thought he didn’t want that??

 

Anyway, so suddenly, I’ve got options.  Not perfect options, but options.  And really, even though it might be raining men, I really just want that one wonderful drop to hit me square on my nose and all the rest of the raindrops would be quickly brushed aside.

 

Other comments and random experiences that I’ve had recently:

 

1.      I sucked it up and called my father on Father’s Day.  He asked what was new.  I told him I was going to get my Personal Trainer Certification.  He laughed.  And then finally said, “You’re just going to have one of everything!”  WTF does that mean?

2.      It’s actually a good thing CU Guy and I missed the movie last night – because of that, I was home to sign for my Personal Trainer Cert info delivery.  Otherwise, I would’ve had to go pick it up…pain in the ass successfully avoided!  Now I just have to read the stuff.  Oh yeah, there is that.

3.      With my new daily challenges fitness program, I lost 2.5 pounds last week.  Not Earth shattering, but I’ll take it!  Oh yeah, and Day One where it said to get rid of the scale?  Oops – curiosity got the best of me.  Back on the wagon today!

4.      Had dinner and a movie with JC last weekend.  While at dinner, I looked at him and realized I truly don’t want anything more than a basic friendship with him.  And when I realized that, as they say, I exhaled.

5.      We saw the movie Bigger, Stronger, Faster – a documentary about steroids.  Absolutely fascinating.  I walked out of there not sure if I’m really against steroids anymore.  It was weird!  But I highly recommend seeing it if you get the chance!

6.      10 days until I go to Vegas – awww yeah!!

7.      As I mentioned earlier, the Intuitive Class is tonight.  The topic is “Living an Authentic Life” – doing what you’re supposed to be doing FOR YOUR SPIRIT and not just doing what’s expected of you.  Yeah, I wouldn’t possibly know anything about that.  Doh!

 

So I’m sure I’ll have more stories tomorrow…stay tuned!!

At least I still have my R Kelly!!  NOT GUILTY BABY!!  Woo hoo!!!  Now I just need to find someone to celebrate with – maybe a little bump n grind since my body’s callin.  Somebody who reminds me of my jeep maybe…and won’t trap me in the closet with a midget who sh*t his pants.  HA HA!!  LOVE YOU KELS!! 

I’m reading a new book – With or Without a Man.  One of the first things it establishes is the concept that you cannot control finding a man who will treat you right, have common goals and love you for a lifetime.  You can meet 100 guys in a week and still, none of them might be right for you.  Okay, point taken.  This is not in my control.  I get that, even though I may not like it!  And actually, none of life is technically in my control.  I can make decisions about what I do everyday and I can work towards certain goals, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to happen the way I want it to.  Life is a crap shoot.  You can choose to roll the dice, but ultimately I don’t control the numbers that show up.

 

But there is something I do control – my mood, my attitude and my reactions.  For example, I talked to JC last night for the first time in 10 days.  I’m not really sure why we didn’t talk for so long other than he didn’t call me and I didn’t call him.  Anyway, he booked his trip to Vegas with some guys from work.  They’re going for a conference – he’s going to tag along.  Of course, one of the guys comp-ed him a room at the Bellagio.  I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT STAYING AT THE BELLAGIO.  If I get married in Vegas, it’ll be at the Bellagio!  He and I talked about staying there “one day.”  But now he gets to have that experience without me.  He’s going to London next week to visit his mom.  He and his mom and I talked about us coming to visit and all the wonderful things we’d do while we were there.  And now he’s going.  And I’m not.  I don’t know if he’s going alone or with someone and I suppose it doesn’t matter – all I know is he’s not going with me.

 

My initial reaction was to get depressed that he’s doing all those things we talked about doing together.  But then I took a step back.  What he does has no effect on my life anymore.  He’s living his life and I’m living mine.  And they’re no longer intertwined.  I have absolutely no reason to get upset or depressed about what he does.  The only reason I could get upset is if I’m not doing what I want to do.  Oh, but wait, I’m NOT doing what I want to do!  So I need to change it!!

 

Once again, of course I can change direction and try something new, but I don’t control meeting the right guy, so I can’t put a stipulations on the things I do.  I can’t say, I want to do this – BUT with the right guy.  I have to say, without conviction – I WANT TO DO THIS!  No conditions, no ifs, ands, or buts.

 

Okay.  So in 2008, I will pass my Personal Trainer Certification.  I will find a new job that I enjoy.  (I’ll get daring too and even say this new job pays more than I make now!)  I will make a new friend and better appreciate my old friends.  I will take a vacation outside of the country.  I will go for a hike.  I will love more and complain less.  I will trust more and fear less.  I will be enthusiastic about my life.  And if I can’t be enthusiastic, I will at least enjoy it.  And if I can’t enjoy it, I will at least accept it.  I will wish the best for those around me, even if they’ve hurt me in the past.  And I will wish the best for myself, even if I’ve previously done things that are bad for me.

 

So, in this chaos, I take control.  And likewise, in my control, I let there be chaos.

The good things happening in my life right now (because I’m in serious need of a reminder):

 

1.      I ordered the study materials to get my Personal Trainer Certification yesterday.  I have until the end of September to take (and hopefully pass!) the test.  In glancing at the study guide online, it’s a lot of technical stuff – knowing muscle groups, respiratory processes, etc.  But I am excited because they include nutrition and they also include a section about staying motivated.  I could use that!

2.      In light of #1, I also started a new “program” of sorts.  Day One:  Get rid of the scale, the tape measure, the diet books, etc.  Check.  Have weighed myself since Sunday.  Day Two:  Eat at least one vegetable at every meal.  And I’m already on track for that today!

3.      I go to Vegas in 15 days for the I Can Do It Conference.  Couldn’t be better timing!  I’m signed up for an all-day past life regression class on Friday.  I’m learning the power of infinite love and gratitude and using humor to overcome stress on Saturday.  On Sunday, I explore “Personal Development for Smart People” (ha – love it!) and “Lucid Living”.  Good times!

4.      I paid $3.75 for gas this morning.  (Never thought I’d be excited about THAT!)  Plus I technically got 10% off because I used one of the stimulus gift cards from the grocery store.  Woo hoo!

5.      I look cute today!

6.      I’ve successfully survived three meetings this morning – and, although tempted, didn’t fall asleep during any of them.

 

Maybe life isn’t as terrible as I make it out to be…I just have to move from where I’ve been standing in order to find a different view.

 

And so, today’s post just wouldn’t be complete without the quote of the day.

 

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no help at all.”  - Dale Carnegie

My family was in town this weekend – and as always, we had a great time.  But I still had an underlying feeling of disappointment and guilt in myself.  My aunt asked about my relationship with Mr. T.  Apparently she hadn’t heard.  So I got to retell that painful story.  She asked who I was dating now – um yeah, I’m not, but thanks for asking.

 

And then seeing my brother and his girlfriend and my cousin and his girlfriend, I realized I have nothing to offer my family.  Both of the girlfriends are amazing people – they’ve been accepted into my family and loved by my family.  My family really enjoys their company and hopes that these girls will be here for a long time.  I have no one to add to our family…and it was blatantly obvious.  People asked my sister about her husband and her kids – inquiring about how they’re doing and what their summers will bring.  But they’ve got nothing to ask me, so they don’t. 

 

The final kick in the balls was when I was hugging my 90yr old grandfather goodbye.   When I told him Happy Birthday, his response was, “Thanks – it’s the last one.”  He also thanked my sister for coming to see him “…one last time.”  My grandfather is tired.  He’s lived a long, hard life and I believe he’s ready to be done.  Whenever it happens, he’s ready, but he probably won’t make it another year.  He’ll never see me walk down the aisle.  He’ll never meet his great grandchildren. 

 

Of course I want my family to be proud of me.  But how could they be?  I have a job I hate, a house I couldn’t afford without that job I hate, and nothing good in my personal life.  What about all that could possibly make someone proud?  And saying they’re proud without a reason simply doesn’t count – because I know they don’t feel it.  There’s no valid reason they should.

So I hung out with CU Guy last night – after putting him off for the last 3 nights.  We watched the game and hung out…nothing spectacular.  BUT, after our status conversation, when he was leaving, he said, “Give me a call next week – let’s go out and do something.”  Wait.  You mean like a DATE???  I was shocked!  Does that mean he heard me?!?  WOW!!  Amazing!!!