I have to blog today – I didn’t want to leave you all with such negativity and so many asterisks going into the weekend.  That’s just not fair.  And plus, I’m tired of whining and crying.  So, here’s my last comment on that topic – it sucks to be single.  Don’t tell me that it’s less drama than being married because when you’re married at least you have someone to have make-up sex with.  If you have drama and you’re single and you make it through the turbulence, you can’t even give yourself a hi-five without looking at least a little odd.  So there.  And on that note, red rover, red rover, send all the single and available, financially secure, emotionally sound, hot men right over.

 

Quote of the day:  “Even when happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.”  - Jacques Prevert

Remember a few posts ago when I was sharing my Free Hugs story and I mentioned the guy who had just moved here thinking he had a child, but the DNA came back as You Are NOT The Father?  I was telling my sister about the event and mentioned that guy.  Her response:  “Please tell me you don’t have a date with the trying to be a good father guy.”

 

WTF?  I’m so glad that everyone thinks that my dating life is just the funniest thing in the world.  Seriously, to that, I say F**k All Y’All.  Don’t make jokes until you’ve been in your 30’s with absolutely nothing to show for it.  No jokes until you start asking yourself if it even matters if you go home at night.  No jokes until you start questioning if you’ll be alone for the rest of your life – and then wonder if it’s all worth it.  No jokes until you realize you are the last single person you know.  No jokes when you’re going to your kid’s baseball game or celebrating your husband’s birthday.  No jokes when you get to hear “I love you” from someone you love right back…and you know it’s real.

 

Do you think I don’t know that my life sucks?  Do you think it helps to let me know you’re getting a good laugh at my expense?  Once again, f**k you.  Go tell your f**king jokes to your loving husband or your great kids.  I don’t f**king care, but just don’t throw my lack of anything that matters in my face. 

 

You don’t think I wake up in the morning to constant reminders that I’m alone?  Do you think I seriously want to make bad choices?  Did it ever cross your mind that I’m making the best choices with the selection that’s out there?!?

 

So once again, f**k you and your f**king jokes.  Tell jokes all you want, but don’t you f**king laugh until you’ve been there.

It’s nice to eat watermelon for dinner, not having to worry about what someone else wants.  If I’m hot at night, I can open the window or turn on the fan without worrying about if someone else is comfortable.  If I want to leave underwear on the floor or not do dishes for a week, I can.

 

But there are times when being alone REALLY sucks.  Yesterday, I was washing towels.  I go to move the towels to the dryer when I notice that there are still soap suds in the washer.  Logically, you’d just rinse again, right?  Yeah, until you notice the water on the laundry room floor.  Nice.  So I run upstairs to grab more towels (since most of them are sopping wet in the washer) and the one I grab first happens to be white.  Well, it WAS white.  That is, until I used it to clean up water and managed to collect all of the dirt and dust bunnies from underneath and behind the washer all over the white towel. 

 

Oh, and did you know the metal on the bottom of the washer is really sharp?  Of course I slice open my finger…did it really good…a gash over an inch long…and of course, bleed all over the white towel too.  Not sure why I couldn’t grab the colorful Scooby Doo towel instead.  Nope, HAD to use the white one.  Smart.

 

Of course, since I’ve got a broke-ass washer, the white towel will remain dirty for a while longer.  And instead of asking someone else to get it fixed or go buy a new one, I get to do that myself.  I guess I’ve always disliked that washer anyway.  I got it scratch and dent from an ex who had a friend who worked at a home improvement store.  I think I paid $200 for it.  So this time, after a quick trip to Lo.we’s and $600 later, I’m getting a new washer.  (Of course I’ll get the $150 rebate because it’s high-efficiency or whatever.)

 

And all this just hours after I had some sort of random, manic, sobbing, crying episode.  I was watching some movie that was kind of sad, but in no way warranted such tears.  I have no clue where that came from…I just can’t believe that happened BEFORE the washer incident.  Oh well, I guess when you’re alone, you can do that too…and then throw a dirty tissue on the floor afterwards…simply because there’s no one there to care.

Two things to realize when you go see Baby Mama:  1. All the funny scenes were in the previews.  2. In one way or another, it’s probably going to piss you off. 

 

See, she didn’t want kids and chose her career over focusing on a family.  She’s a successful VP with a lot of money, so she can afford 7 IUI’s and 2 rounds of IVF.  And then she can afford $100,000 for a surrogate.  And she can plan on having a nanny when the baby is born.  And that’s great for her.

 

But you know what?  I didn’t choose my career over a family.  I could care less about my career.  And yet, I still don’t get a family.  Not even a boyfriend.  Not even a nice guy to spend time with.  So that’s great that she suddenly decides she wants kids, but what about those of us who always have wanted kids and are just banging our heads on the wall trying to get there?

 

The only redeeming quality of the movie was that I saw it at the new Land.mark, so I got free popcorn and drinks.  It’s about what’s important.

So I’ve been considering getting a kitten to keep me company.  But last night I had a dream that I was working from home and I was to the point where I had to hire an assistant.  Well, she was allergic to cats to which I thought, gee, good thing I didn’t get a cat.  Then, I was looking online at some cuties.  Seriously, how could you resist this face:

  

Anyway, so I’m browsing when I see that June is Adopt-A-Cat month and you’ll receive a free t-shirt if you do it on June 28^th.  Now, we all know I’m a sucker for a free t-shirt, so I figure that’s a sign that I should get one that day.  Until I realize I’m going to be out of town, then I figure that’s a sign too.  So the kitten is postponed for now.

 

I also did something today that was completely out of character for me.  I held up a sign Downtown that said “Free Hugs” – and I did just that – gave away free hugs.  Now I’m not a touchy feely person, but I hugged more people today than I’ve probably ever hugged in my life!  I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I had just made their day.  And I almost felt sorry for those who refused.  It’s like they wanted a hug, but just wouldn’t let themselves accept it. 

 

There were probably 15 of us and it was an amazing social experiment.  Someone asked, “Is this a religious thing?”  Other people wanted to know what the catch was.  One guy even admitted that he really needed it because he had just moved here because he found out that his ex-girlfriend had a child by him.  Oh yeah, but the DNA came back and it wasn’t his.  He was almost in tears accepting hugs from us. 

 

And even the firefighters driving by stopped the truck for a hug!  And the maintenance workers too!  I hugged a bus driver named Dave and a woman from Ohio and an old lady and her husband and a homeless guy with dreadlocks.  And two guys in a suit and a 5-yr old girl and her dog.  And a girl who looked like a stripper and some women with pink hair promoting ladies night.  And guys who smelled good and people who were smokers.  And one guy even ran towards me like he was going to jump on me – I still think I’m going to have bruises from him.  But each and every person who I hugged – hugged me right back.  And because of that, I thanked each one of them because they were giving me just as much as I was giving them.  And it was free, which makes it even more special.  So if you’re reading this…go hug somebody.  If it doesn’t make their day, it might make yours.  {HUGS}  >:D<

RANDOM BUMPER STICKER SIGHTING:  If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

 

I hung out with CU Guy last night…I ALMOST, as they say, “hit that”.  But didn’t…and I’m still not sure why or what quite happened.  As I’m perplexed by that situation, I get an email from my last ma.tch.com guy.  He was asking my why I have no kids (I know how to use birth control) and why no man (because they’re all losers). 

 

In return, I asked about his situation.  He was married for 20 years (he’s 40 – BIG YIKES for me) and has a 16yr old daughter, 8yr old son (who weren’t mentioned on ma.tch – uh huh.)  Then he goes into a story about how there are two women he is currently involved with.  The first is married, so they just go to lunch and enjoy each other’s company – without anything physical.  And the second, there’s not really any sort of long-term connection as when they spend time together, it’s always without clothes.  And, as he put it, they “are strangers in public.”  But of course, he’s looking for someone who does more for him than just keep the bed warm.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate his honesty, but this really upset me!

 

He’s basically having an emotional affair with one woman and sleeping with another, knowing neither is going anywhere.  Yet, it’s not what he’s looking for, but for whatever reason he continues both relationships.  Oh, and, he’s trying to woo me into a possible relationship, knowing he’s already got these two on the side.  Wow, where do I sign up?  What in the world would make me think that if I met him and there was some sort of connection, he’d automatically dump these two women for me?  Nothing makes me think that! 

 

At the same time, I also know that when you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you.  Is that why it bothered me so much?  Because I’m doing the EXACT same thing he is?  I have a strictly physical relationship with CU Guy.  We don’t go into public and I don’t know if he’s in a relationship, that’s the worst part.  And maybe that’s why we didn’t seal the deal? 

 

So of course, now I feel horrible.  What am I doing?  I’m no different than this match guy.  I say I want something more significant, yet I’m spending time in a place that’s completely different.  Yeah, it passes the time and yeah, I’m sure it fulfills a need, but it’s not what I’m ultimately looking for, so what am I doing?  Maybe because getting rid of him means I’m truly alone…mentally, physically, emotionally.  And yeah, that sucks ass.  No wonder so many people stay in marriages that aren’t right and no wonder so many people stay in bad relationships.  How in the world did I manage to f*ck up my life so badly???

Oh, so much to blog about!  Without much ado, I’ll just jump right in.

 

I get a text from JC yesterday – he was interviewed for the local news.  So I went home and watched him and it really made me sad.  I haven’t seen him for a few weeks, and where we used to talk everyday, now it’s dwindled to every other day, if that.  I was proud of him though – he looked good, sounded halfway intelligent and it was a great story. 

 

But the part that made me sad was thinking about all of the viewers seeing him and thinking, you know, there’s a good guy – firefighter, paramedic, dive rescue team – that’s a hero.  And I miss those days when I thought that too.  Now I just think about how sad it is that he’s so messed up, because he really could’ve been everything I wanted – and I truly thought he was.  But what upset me more was that I wanted him to save ME.  I wanted him to be MY hero…and he just couldn’t do it.

 

So I went to the Psychic Class last night – she amazes me.  Spiritually, I get so much more out of two hours with her than I ever did spending years in church.  It just seems that in each class, she’s speaking directly to me, saying exactly what I need to hear at the exact right moment.  I had several A-Ha Moments last night…

 

1.      First question was from a 30yr old guy asking why he was so blocked in relationships.  Turns out he wanted it to be perfect, and if it wasn’t, he wasn’t going to invest any time.  He wanted a guarantee that it’d work out, rather than simply trusting the experience.  Oops.  He’d been hurt.  She suggested he change his “story” about the relationship.  Not that he’d wasted 3 years in a relationship, but rather he’d had the opportunity to love.  The relationship served a purpose – just like the clothes you wore 10 years ago.  You wouldn’t wear them today, but they worked for you back then!

2.      Next question was from a lady asking about her career – she was job searching and said, “There are few opportunities paying what I need to make in order to survive.”  Well, there’s the problem right there – she’s been surviving.  When does she start to LIVE?  The psychic recommended that she go play, go live a little, and see what jobs come her way.  Get rid of the thought that she needs to make a certain income to survive and replace it with the thought that truly living will bring everything she needs – monetary and otherwise.  Hmm.

3.      Another lady was asking about her son – he’s 16yrs old and is really having a tough time – not making very good decisions and getting into trouble.  So the psychic starts asking this lady what’s going on in her life.  Turns out she’s got all sorts of drama and her son in simply mirroring her.  Wow.

 

So what did I get from all this?  First thing is, in dating, I feel like I’ve tried all sorts of different things, but I’m still banging my head on the wall.  Everything I try, I end up banging my head and nothing has worked.  Problem:  I’m mirroring my mom.  She hasn’t dated in almost 20 years.  We talked about it afterwards and she said that it’s semi-subconscious…she thought that it would upset me if she was to get into a relationship before me because I did say once that it would upset me if my brother/cousins had kids before me.  So in essence, last night I gave my mom permission to start dating – and in fact, asked her if she would do that for me.

 

The other big thing I got is that, rather than surviving, I want to live.  In most cases, if I take a chance and try something, the world isn’t going to end.  If I approach a random guy and start talking to him and nothing comes of it, the world will go on.  And I will go on too. 

 

I want to find something I’m passionate about…regardless of what it pays.  I’ve always been very practical.  Practical is a survival tactic, not a living trait!!  I’ve always said I will do what I have to do to survive.  F that!  I will do what I want to do to live dammit!!  Watch out world, today, I’m LIVING!

Not much to report…as I’m having girl’s night last night (cheesecake pictures to follow), I get a text from CU Guy.  He seems to have this Monday night thing where I don’t cross his mind until the start of the week when he says, “Oh yeah, her.”  He was painting and thought I should come over to see it.  I’m sure he simply wanted to show me his new light brown walls.  And that’s all he wanted to show me.  Uh huh.  Sure.  I wasn’t born yesterday, buddy!  Anyway, so I told him that we should get together Wednesday (my attempt at planning, since apparently he’s never heard that word before.)  To which, he agreed – and I was shocked!

 

Tonight is Psychic Tuesday and the topic is clearing the blockages we have (create) in our lives.  For the most part, I think she’s going to talk about chakras.  Oh yeah, my chakra has a blockra, that’s fo’ sho’!!  I’ll post more – free and clear – tomorrow.  Holla! 

It’s quiet here.  No mandatory meeting requests talking about shutting down the company or phasing out certain departments.  So I guess I’m stuck here for the rest of the day.  Doh.  That doesn’t sound like fun when it’s 85 degrees outside! 

 

And so, once again, I’m stuck in my mundane life.  Employed in a job I despise.  Going home to an empty house.  No prospects.  No vacations scheduled.  No nothing.  Isn’t life grand?

Here we go again.  I just read an article that my company will be having more layoffs on Monday.  Hey, by the way, have a great weekend!!  So, is it weird that I’m not really upset?  Not in the ‘I’m not going to let it ruin my weekend way’, but really truly not upset if it happens.  I mean, yeah, it’s a tough market to lose your job in, and yeah, it sucks to HAVE to job hunt, but sometimes you just need someone to light a fire under your ass to get you to move.

 

And you know, I do this in relationships too.  Doh.  White boy and I talked about this the other week.  He dumped me, but I probably would’ve done it eventually if he hadn’t.  Mr. T dumped me, but at the same time, I knew he wasn’t the one and probably would’ve let it fade out eventually.  I encourage people to let me go so I don’t have to be the bad guy (girl).  Why don’t I just say what I feel instead?  Duh!  It sounds so easy when you put it like that!  You mean, I should just do what I want to do instead of worrying about hurting him/my company?  WHAT?  Crazy talk!

 

It’s not like I’m going to do anything to get myself fired either, but if I do get the big axe on Monday, let’s just say, it won’t be the end of the world.  In fact, it’ll be an opportunity for me to move onto (potentially) better things!  I’d most likely receive three months vacation severance, and is THAT really all bad?  I could be like a teacher and take the summer off!  Awww yeah.  But unfortunately, because I’m me, I’ve already compiled a list of jobs to apply for and I’ve already bookmarked the unemployment site.  (I know it wouldn’t take effect until my severance was up, but still – I just want to give them time to process!!)  And of course, I already know exactly how much I’d get from unemployment – definitely doesn’t pay the mortgage, but every bit helps.

 

Anyway, so I’m almost headed home to have a relaxing, worry-free weekend.  Monday will come soon enough…and I may GET to move on, or I may not.  And if not, I might just start applying for jobs anyway, just to see what happens – because I want to!!!