I think this stint with Mr. T has pretty much come to an end.  The only regret I really have is leaving 2 DVDs at his house – not on purpose, but because I forgot to grab them as I left.  He’s showing a huge lack of interest, which is fine – but just give me my DVDs back!  I suppose he did give me a Nike bag last time I was there, which was really nice…but still, the DVDs, please.

 

I did spend some time with CU Guy on Monday…as much as he gets on my last nerve sometimes, he’s growing on me.  Of course, it seems that as soon as I say something like that, I won’t ever hear from him again. 

 

And I saw a movie with JC last night.  We’d been talking about seeing 21 since before it came out, so we finally went.  Good movie, but I really would’ve rather seen it with someone I’m in love with.  Oh my bad, that person doesn’t exist right now.

 

Sorry for the negativity – I’m just really feeling some sort of a disconnect from me and the people around me.  And with dating, I feel like I’m back to square one and no better off today than I was six months ago.  Yeah, I’ve learned some stuff I’m sure, but so far I haven’t really seen any sort of payoff.  So I’m frustrated.  And I want my DVDs and my 20’s back.

I wonder why I don’t know what I’m feeling.  Is it really that hard to listen to your heart?  I’m able to quiet my mental noise, but when I do, I don’t know if it’s my heart I feel.  I’m not sure how I feel about Mr. T.  He’s cool…but is he what I’m looking for in a life partner – or just filling an empty space for me right now?

 

We went to the Nuggets on Saturday, then back to his house to watch a movie.  It was fun, but I almost feel like something was missing.  He’s doing this fasting diet for 10 days (today is day 8), and he said he felt a little off and his friends have complained that he’s not fun anymore, so maybe that’s what I’m experiencing too.  But if you’re going to be with someone, shouldn’t you appreciate them when they’re fun – and when they’re not?  I stayed with him Saturday night – and as I was falling asleep, the last thought in my mind was, “Why am I here?”  Not that I didn’t sleep good or didn’t mind being there, it was just a question about what I’m doing with this guy – and maybe a clue that I do need to figure out what I want from him.

 

My horoscope for today:  “Romance isn’t like instant pudding. You can’t just dim the lights, add seductive music and mix. That spark between you and your significant other was there in the beginning and it will return. Be patient.”

 

Again, we had fun, but it was more like two buddies hanging out – not really any romance – it’s been less than a month, we should at least still have romance!  We didn’t even get nasty before we went to bed.  He wasn’t feeling well, so I let him off the hook, but honestly, I wasn’t really feeling the urge either.

 

Or maybe I’m just hungry – with him doing this diet, we can’t go out to eat and that’s something I enjoy doing when I’m dating.  Am I really that superficial though?  If you don’t take me out to eat, I don’t like dating you?  It’s not a money thing either – I don’t mind paying – it’s just that I like to go!

 

Or maybe it’s that I don’t expect to see him until after next weekend, so I’m talking myself out of liking him.  He’s got family in town beginning Thursday, and at this point, I don’t really expect (or want) to meet his family, so I probably won’t see him either. 

 

I may not know what I’m feeling, but I do know that something just isn’t right. 

I did have another A-Ha Moment watching the Oprah class last night.  I’m actually kind of sad that there are only two classes left – it really has been quite an experience and I’m grateful that I decided to take part!  So here it is…one of the callers asked a question last night about how these days we have to worry about a lot of stuff, so how can we remain in the now?  The answer to his question came in a round-a-bout way.

 

First, it was pointed out that his question contained an error…worrying is a choice we make.  **Ding, ding, light bulb moment.* *  We don’t HAVE to worry about anything – it’s our choice to worry.  His point was that if we are faced with a situation – like paying bills – we can look at our account balance and say, “Do I have enough to pay this?”  If the answer is no, we have to take action to get more money, but no where along the line do we have to worry about it.  As Eckhart put it, “You don’t need worry; you need action, but not worry.”

 

When I was younger, I worried A LOT.  I worried about worrying.  And my mom used to say to me, “Well, what are you going to DO about it??”  And that used to piss me off so much!!  I don’t know what I’m going to do about it – THAT is why I’m worrying!!  Duh!  But that’s exactly the point – if you can’t or aren’t willing to take action in the present moment to change the situation, then drop it.  Don’t worry about it because if you’re not DOING something, simply worrying is just wasted energy!  And when the time comes to DO SOMETHING, you’ll do something.  And if you can’t take action, ACCEPTANCE is the key.  Once again, accepting what is, changing what you can, but always being at peace in the moment.

 

So I also finished A New Earth last weekend – that’s the first book I’ve actually read cover to cover in a very long time…and it felt good.  Last night, I started reading Eat, Pray, Love – wow.  I really didn’t want to put it down!  My mom loaned it to me and told me I had to read it because so many things in there reminded her of me.  Um, yeah – I see that too.  Doh.  The author talks about moving from relationship to relationship and losing herself each time…guilty!  I’m almost a third of the way through and I have a feeling that I’ll finish it this weekend – two completed books in the same month??  Something inside me is definitely changing.

 

I was thinking about my attitude towards Mr. T too.  I didn’t expect to hear from him at all yesterday – he was going to the baseball game and I figured he had plans afterwards too.  And really, I didn’t mind – I had things to do, he had things to do, so great, we’ll talk another time.  No worries – which is really new for me.  When I’m with him, I’m 100% with him.  When I’m not with him, I’m 100% in my life.  So I was surprised when I got a text from him last night – and it was a nice surprise!  It’s funny how surprises mean so much more when you have no expectations!  Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, but I’m also looking forward to doing the things I need to do for me TODAY!

First, let me express my disappointment in not receiving the Sexiest Woman Alive title this year.  I put in my application, but for some reason it was overlooked.  Probably it’s the Post Office’s fault.  Oh well, there’s always next year – and next time, I’ll use a tracking number.  Also, let me apologize in advance for my bizarre mood today…bizarre just seemed so much more fun today, so I’m going with it. 

 

On to the mens in my life.  Mr. T and I were supposed to go see a movie last night – a sneak preview of Jimmy and Kumar Rescue Stray Dogs or whatever it’s called.  But alas, Mr. T had a tee time at 2pm and by the time he was done, it was questionable as to whether we’d get a seat, so we called it off and instead have plans for Saturday.  In my previous life, I would’ve been upset.  I may have taken it personal.  But this time, I was just as excited to go to bed early!! 

 

EXCEPT.  There’s always an EXCEPT.  CU Guy sent me a text.  He was close to my house and wondering if he could stop by.  Is there such term as a “Booty Text”?  If not, I’m patent pending that expression.  As tempted as I am by CU Guy, I’m just not ready to let him go there yet – and I know if he comes over, it’s going to be harder for me to resist.  So I lied.  Yes, Your Honor, I lied and said I wasn’t home, to which he was disappointed.  Plus, I’d really like to PLAN something.  CU Guy is NOT a planner…he’s a last minute, I’m not doing anything now, so let’s hang out sort of guy.  Ask me out a few days in advance.  See if I want to go to dinner, a movie, ANYTHING!  And you know, he might just get some then!!!  But instead, he booty texts (patent pending).  “Ain’t nothing but a booty text.  You know what I like.  You know what I need.”  Blackstreet totally needs to do a remix – in collaboration with R Kelly, of course.

 

ANYWAY, that’s the update.  I’m hoping to finish catching up on my Oprah classes tonight, so maybe I’ll have more A-Ha Moments to share tomorrow.  Stayed tuned for these…the days of my lives. 

“People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness, that is to say, dependent on form. They don’t realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly.  They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn’t have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that is always already here, that lies beyond what is happening or not happening, beyond form.” – A New Earth

 

I had an A-Ha Moment last night while catching up on my Oprah classes.  “…what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe.”  Ain’t that the truth?  When we wake up in the morning, we don’t know what’s going to happen today.  If we base our happiness on what might or might not happen, our happiness becomes just as unstable as those events…which leads me to believe that feeling is not really happiness at all, but rather a temporary “high” of sorts.  And it’s just that – temporary.  When the event is over and you realize that nothing has changed, you’re back feeling blah just like before…until the next “hit.”

 

This A-Ha Moment occurred after another A-Ha Moment earlier yesterday.  I was talking to a friend about Mr. T and what’s been going on with him and how I’m discovering that deep down, he’s really just a dork like me.  She said, “As long as you’re happy!”  And I thought, you know, maybe that’s why this situation is so different for me.  For the first time, I know I’ll be okay with or without this man in my life!  I’m having fun and I enjoy him, but if we choose to go our separate ways and it never becomes anything serious, I will move on and I’m at peace with that.  There would be no sense in me being all hung up over what might’ve been when everyday I’m hit upside the head with what IS.  I know – crazy, huh?!?!

 

I talked to my ex, the White Boy, last night too.  He seemed concerned that I’m not overly concerned if Mr. T is dating other people.  Sure, I don’t want him slipping the hot salami to other girls, but right now, we’re “dating”.  A date is “a social engagement between two people that often has a romantic character.”  I don’t see the word “committed” anywhere in there.  Dating is just that – scheduling dates, which is what we’re doing.  If we choose to take it to the next step, labeling each other “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend”, then we’ll talk about that when it happens, but until then, we’re dating and that’s it!!  And really, although I may have thought differently in the past, I’m okay with dating!!  REALLY!!!

It started with a massage.  He pushed my shirt up to my shoulders, unhooked my bra and started rubbing lotion on my back.  He found the spots of tension that I carry in my neck and shoulders and really worked those spots.  Had I not been sprawled out on my couch, I would’ve thought he was a professional massage therapist.  Strong, warm hands, knowing exactly where to go, and it felt really good – in spite of the bruises I have today.  Somehow I ended up on my back, yet he continued to massage me all over…and then he leaned down and kissed me, but his hands didn’t stop exploring my body.  He was ready to go further, I was ready to go further, yet I stopped him.  I wanted him to leave, yet I wanted him to stay, but I knew it wasn’t for the right reasons.

 

So wait, let me back up.  After Mr. T canceled on me yesterday, just like clockwork, I got a text from Credit Union Guy.  I’ve avoided him for probably 3 weeks now just because I started feeling like the only time he wanted to get together was when it was convenient for him – no planning, always last minute.  That wasn’t working for me.  So he said maybe we could get together sometime this week.  I told him my schedule was much clearer now and yeah, maybe we could.  That’s when he told me that he missed hanging out with me and he really would like to spend some time with me.  That surprised me, but again, being rejected by Mr. T, I thought, hmm, this isn’t all bad.  So CU Guy came over last night…and things ALMOST happened, which surprised me too.

 

But while CU Guy was exploring me, I kept thinking about Mr. T, wishing it was him touching me.  I also kept thinking about a promise I made to myself a long time ago.  Maybe it was after watching too much Maury with baby-daddy DNA tests, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t be with more than one guy per “cycle”, so in case some form of birth control failed, I would know who the father was, without all the screaming, crying and running off stage.  When I made this promise, I was much less comfortable with how all these different forms of birth control worked, and I almost expected them to fail.  Now, I’m much more comfortable and confident that they work, so it shouldn’t be an issue…but still, it’s a promise I made.  And because of last Monday, it’s Mr. T’s month.  However, I also know that if I see CU Guy again, I may not be able to resist.  At the same time too, I hate to reward someone (Mr. T) for something someone else (CU Guy) did…but unfortunately, my raging hormones can’t really tell the difference.

 

It’s funny though, because I remember blogging about the fact that I was going to sleep with CU Guy.  I firmly believe that a woman always knows…and in this case, I was a little delayed, but I still think I’m right that it’s going to happen eventually.  Hmm.  This is interesting too…I remember seeing CU Guy’s older brother in spandex at a track meet in high school…and let’s just say, he was packing heat.  Well, I was pleasantly surprised to feel that little brother is packing too!

 

So yes, I’ve got issues and I don’t know where I’ll end up or if it’s for the right reasons…but today, I come to the term with the fact that girls have needs too!!

I did get to see Mr. T on Monday night after he got back from his trip.  It was all good and we had a great time – and I was tired the next morning, but I decided it was well worth it.  So then I spent 5 days in DC.  It was fun – we walked everywhere, so my legs are still killin’ me, but I was able to see things that I think every American should have the opportunity to see.

 

But now I’m back here.  Not that I expected my life to miraculously change while I was gone, but it would’ve been nice.  I talked to Mr. T before my flight left – it was a quick conversation.  Before I left, he had mentioned getting together today, so I called him to see what the plan was (even though I have a family dinner to go to and didn’t want to have to make that decision as to if I invite him.)  Apparently, he’s busy today.  But we’ll hang out tomorrow.  Yeah, I’m not holding my breath.  This really sucks.  I went into this with no expectations, but then just as soon as I admit that I like him, it gets all f’d up.

 

So what am I STILL doing wrong when it comes to relationships?  If I’m real about dating and getting serious, it’s wrong.  If I sit back and go with the flow, it’s wrong.  Whatever I do seems to put me right back in the same place.  With Mr. T, yeah, we slept together fairly quickly – but looking back, I don’t know that I’d change that.  Maybe I’m just choosing the wrong guys and maybe I’m supposed to give a chance to one of those guys I don’t like.  Online dating is different because it’s not like either of you are really there to be friends first…you are there to date.  So if the chemistry isn’t there, it isn’t there.  End of story.  Oh, so maybe I should stop online dating and meet men in real life.  Uh huh.  Direct me to where single men are hiding and I’m all in.

 

Interestingly enough, I’ve changed clothes at least 10 times today, wearing each outfit for no more than an hour, sometimes less than 5 minutes.  I just can’t find what I’m looking for.  I want something comfortable, yet sexy, cute, yet sophisticated.  Something that adds a spark to my life and lets me display my confidence and my true self.  Gee, do we see a connection here?  Moral of the story – what I’m looking for is not in my closet and he’s not in my address book either.  So for now…still looking…

I have a confession to make.  Are you sitting down?  I’m not perfect.  There, I said it.  It’s out in the open and there’s no taking it back.  Today, the doubts have started to creep back in.  Mr. T comes home today.  I should’ve known when he told me to have a good weekend that I wouldn’t be hearing from him, but still, there was that ounce of hope that he’d surprise me with a text.  Or a call.  Or a something.  So instead, I refer back to the idea that if he’s not calling, he’s not thinking about you, and if he’s not thinking about you, he’s just not that into you.  Or maybe he is and that’s just his way.  Or maybe I’m just being a dumb girl.  Or maybe he’s expecting me to send him a text – maybe he’s worried that I’m just not that into him?  Or maybe he doesn’t even care.

 

This guessing game sucks.  I was hoping that I’d get to see him today since I’m leaving for DC tomorrow and will be gone until Saturday night, but I also promised myself that I’d leave it up to him to ask to see me.  But that’s the thing – you can’t make someone do something.  They have to come up with it on their own, which is just dumb, since obviously I know what’s best for the world.  See, I still have my sense of humor though!  He did say he’d see me when he got back – and he knows I leave first thing tomorrow morning, so um, logically, that’d leave tonight.  But you would think you’d want to talk about it and make plans thought, right?  Boys are dumb.

 

I did do some good things this weekend though – shopped and got some really good deals, had a family dinner – they’re hysterical, had a blood draw to check my cholesterol, and got all packed and ready to go on my trip.  And the best part is the doubts stayed away all weekend – until today.  Stupid Mondays.  So I may wait it out, I may text him later wishing him safe travels, and I may call him later to see if he’s landed yet.  Or I may not!  I may wait to see what he does and if he does nothing, I might do nothing.  Grrr.

1.      A yogurt container that doesn’t explode when you open it, making you look like Monica Lew.insky.

2.      A GPS system for gas prices so you don’t get gas, then go down the street and see ten cents cheaper.

3.      A jacket with temperature control – heat when it’s cold, air conditioning when it’s hot.

4.      A thermometer type device with a scale that calculates the calories in food.  So then you’ll know if you should have the chocolate covered donut or the jelly filled.

5.      A big company where it doesn’t take getting the permission of 8 people to get something minor done.

6.      Microwaves that WOULDN’T let you burn popcorn – especially in an office setting where the burning starts to smell a little bit like hot dogs.

7.      Email in sick days.  Just send an email or better yet, a text:  “Yo, I’m not coming in.  Deal.”  No excuses necessary.

8.      Email in job quitting.  “Yeah, I’m just not going to come in anymore.  Thanks.”

9.      Teleporting.  Enough said.

10. Optional Fridays.

The movie was The Forbidden King.dom – a Jac.kie Chan/Jet Li kung fu movie.  It was decent, but there was this recurring theme that kept reminding me of my book club.  The kid was freaking out about what if he goes to fight and he can’t, or if he loses, or this or that.  His master stops him and says, “Then all you have to do is breathe.”  They also talked about water and how water has no resistance.  It works around rocks, sand, everything and just keeps moving without hang-ups.  And therefore, it’s at peace.  So apparently my book club needs to start watching kung fu movies as well!

 

Now to my UH OH.  Mr. T and I get along really well – we talk for hours and seem to really like being around each other.  He leaves today for 5 days, which yesterday I was looking forward to.  Today, I’m sad!  So what happened?  I went to his place last night, we hung out for a while, had a quick dinner, watched the movie, then went back to his place.  After we got back, we talked for 3 hours.  I was watching him talk and thinking, yeah, I could get used to him.  And then I got this overwhelming urge to jump him, to which I managed to control myself, but really I just wanted to be closer to him at that moment.  He gave me a foot massage and I REALLY didn’t want to leave.  So much for looking forward to our 10 days apart!

 

As I got in my car and drove away, I felt that tightness in my gut and I realized that I missed him already.  That’s when it hit me that I’ve only known him for 8 days.  But of those 8 days, I’ve seen him 6 times.  So much for taking it slow!  Anyway, so I’m driving home thinking about little quirky things he does.  At dinner last night, he had to open his fortune cookie because the package was overinflated and it was distracting him.  He gets excited about really good iced-tea.  He enjoys ordering for me and holding doors for me and putting his hand on the small of my back as I walk in.  He’s quirky, that’s for sure, but somehow he’s getting to me.  And I think it’s because of the way he looks at me or how he kisses my forehead when I rest my head on his shoulder.  Or how he understands my excitement about cranes and my fascination with the workings of the world around us.  Or how he likes to make sure my needs are met – physically, mentally, emotionally.  And I feel safe when I’m with him.  He’s a technology guy, I’m completely clueless, and not once has he made me feel dumb for not knowing.  Instead he teaches me and explains things to me and is truly excited to share his knowledge, which brings me to my UH OH.  I made it home and was sitting in my garage when all of a sudden it hit me.  I’m falling for this guy!  And as scary as that is to admit, I can also see how he’ll be right there to catch me when I do.