Okay, we need to think for a minute.  I’ve lost count.  There was the cross-eyed spitter, the cop, the video game guy, the white guy, the Hispanic guy, Credit Union guy – was that it?  And now Nuggets guy makes it 7 first dates this year?  Hmmm – oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. 

I was surprised that, in planning our date, he really wanted us just to go have fun.  He made a comment that I seem to have a “thing” about being old and so he wanted to bring out my inner child, which was very insightful.  So we played video games – I’m a better drag racer, he’s a better bball player.  We ate Thai and cheesecake and I did have fun.  I tried to be present, living in the moment – and even though I had to be up early this morning, I didn’t look at the clock once, which was good for me. 

But is he it?  Probably not – but I already knew that.  If I really listened to my gut feelings, I probably wouldn’t even go out with any of these guys – I guess I’m waiting and hoping to be pleasantly surprised.  And in the meantime, it gets me out of the house, so it’s not all bad.  Being mediocre sucks though!  I want to be passionate about a guy – even if he starts out as just a friend – I want to look forward to spending time with him, instead of wondering last minute how I can get out of it.  Oh screw it, I’m going to Target.

The challenge is this – to list the things you love about life without involving ANYONE you know.  No loving your husband’s laugh or your dog’s quirks.  It’s all letting go of those other people in your life who define you and getting to the heart of what YOU truly love about YOUR life.  So here goes. 

I love sunny days – when the sun hits your skin and it’s a little too hot, but then the wind picks up and it’s a little too cold.  I love good hair days and knowing I’ve chosen the right outfit for the right occasion.  I love an NFL, last second, balls to the wall, let it all out there Hail Mary play.  Especially when that pass is intercepted and returned for an oh shit touchdown.  But I love a triple reverse on any occasion too.  I love matching my Nikes to my outfit.  I love going out for breakfast – simply because the only time I really do it is on vacation.  And I love planning those vacations…looking for a deal, booking the airfare, hotel, rental car and then making a list of all the places I want to see.  I love coupons.  I love saving more than 40% every time I go to the grocery store.  And I love free things – free movies, free samples, anything free!  I love my bed.  I love string cheese and ice cream and mint M&M’s and cherry Twizzlers bites…but only the soft ones, for which I will fondle many packages until I discover the soft ones.  I love Wednesday and Sunday newspapers.  I love working out (this is new for me!) and knowing that I’ve done something to make my body stronger.  I love coincidences, knowing that they are not really a coincidence at all.  I love the fact that I’m not the same person I was last year or even last week.  I love the poem Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou because I am a woman, phenomenally.  Phenomenal woman, that’s me.  I love a-ha moments when you finally understand something you’ve only seen on the surface.  I love astrology and the idea that my moods could be connected to the movement of the planets.  And I love the stars and the moon and the night sky – especially from a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. And I love cruise ships – the bigger, the better – and the idea that tons of metal and food and people could possibly float effortlessly across the world.  I love all-inclusive resorts in Mexico and the sounds of the beach.  I love my eyes and my smile and even my ghetto booty.  I love science and learning and knowing that there are so many things that I know nothing about.  But I also love knowing a little about a lot of things.  I love gossip and hearing the latest news and/or rumors.  I love trying new recipes and not measuring anything, but rather, just guessing.  I love creative advertising.  I love the running signboard at the Pepsi Center and the Club Level at the new Mile High stadium.  And jet flyovers, I love jet flyovers.  And I love the wave – how 75,000 people can know exactly what to do at exactly the right moment.  I love to laugh and I love jumpy parts in horror movies.  I love hotels and hotel sex and those little sample toiletries.  I love shopping – whether buying or browsing – whether in person or online.  I love dreams, but I also love sleep.  I love Christmas and bank holidays and calendars and to-do lists.  I love Grand Openings and exclusive events.  I love the perfect pineapple and Ranier cherries.   

But most of all, I love this list because it’s me.  These are all of the things and experiences that I love about being on this Earth – and no one else will make the same list as me.  So in recognizing the things I love, I have to admit that I love my life!

It’s official – I’m CPR and AED certified.  And after tonight I’ll be First Aid certified too.  Once again, I’m not what I’m going to do with all of that, but I have it! 

So remember last week when my former boss told me she wanted to set me up with her son?  Apparently, he’s not really so excited on letting Mom find a date for him – I suppose it’s a pride thing or whatever – so that may not happen.  He’s only 29.  He’ll soon realize that it doesn’t matter who sets you up – a date is a date and as you get older, they’re harder to come by!  Oh, and I just got word that he’s still holding a flame for his first girlfriend.  It doesn’t sound like he even talks to her anymore, but okay.  The lesson here is – take it where you can get it, homeboy. 

I was checking out the men in my CPR class too – um yeah, nobody.  Four of the guys were tattoo artists – did you know they have to be CPR certified?  Yeah, I didn’t either!  Anyway, so I could’ve gotten a tattoo discount, but I didn’t really want a date with any of them. 

So once again we circle back to the age-old question – after you get out of college, where in the hell are you supposed to meet people?  I just read an article about how some of the online dating services (the most popular ones included) have their employees create profiles and flirt with members, simply to get members to join.  Okay, so I’ve checked out my options at work, online is a crap shoot, friends and coworkers have tried to set me up, I’ve joined a book club, taken classes, and still nothing.  Where are the hot, single, available, sane men hiding?!?! 

Sometimes the situation really does seem hopeless.  If I could force feelings for any one of these guys, I would.  But if I’m just not feeling them, I’m just not feeling them – and I think forcing it would make me miserable in the long run, so it’s not worth it.  Feeling a glimmer of hope that I’m capable of being attracted to someone would be refreshing, but just like not knowing where to meet single guys, I don’t know how to create feelings either.  It’s kind of like having a million dollars in a safe in your basement, but you don’t know who has the key and you don’t have a sledge hammer big enough to bust it open.  You believe that when the safe is opened, it’ll change your life and be an incredible experience, but until then, all you can do is stare at the box in the corner and wonder if it’ll ever open.

Tonight is my first night of my First Aid, CPR and AED class.  (Oh, the things I go through simply so I can yell, “CLEAR!”)  Why in the world would I take one of those classes, you ask?  Well, it’s required if I want to get my Personal Trainer Certification.  Why in the world would I want to be a Trainer, you ask?  Yeah, I don’t know yet, but I’m going with it.  Assuming I pass the CPR class, I’ll order the Home Study Trainer course in May, have the summer to master it, and will probably take my test at the end of August.  I’m not intimidated that only 58% of people pass – that just means I have to study harder.  And what will I do with my Certification after that, who knows?  But I feel like that’s kind of the cool part.  I’m venturing down a new path and have no clue if it’ll come to a dead end or if it’ll lead to the most fantastic paradise.  And in the meantime, I’m just along for the ride. 

One of the side effects of choosing to do this is I’ve started to align my thinking with that of a Trainer.  I’ve started making choices based on the fact that someday people might look to me to tell them how to be healthy.  And for that, I need to be the example.  Just because I’ve abused my body in the past doesn’t mean I need to continue to make poor choices now.  Every moment is a new opportunity and every moment I’m in charge of the choices I make – and today, I’m pretending like I’m a Trainer.  Apparently, I actually believe the expression on my wall that says, “Today you can be anything you IMAGINE!”

In my quest to live in the present and accept what is, even the little things make me stop and notice the difference.  For my lunch today, I had a container with lasagna and broccoli on the side.  Mmmm – I was looking forward to it.  So imagine my surprise when I opened the container and found no lasagna (the part I was really looking forward to), but only broccoli.  Apparently, I grabbed the wrong container.  Doh.  So, I had a few choices here: 

-         Get mad at the broccoli and throw it out. (Don’t laugh, I thought about it!)

-         Eat some broccoli, but supplement it with a Happy Meal for pain and suffering.

-         Eat some broccoli, but supplement it with Doritos for pain and suffering..

-         Eat the broccoli and wait until I get hungry again to see if I want to eat the salad I brought too. 

So I ate the broccoli.  It was probably more than a cup, with no butter, no cheese on top – just plain ole broccoli as nature intended.  And if I get hungry again before I leave work, I have my salad or some yogurt.  And I guess I’ll simply attempt the lasagna again tomorrow.  But the point is, I didn’t blow my diet because of my own mistake.  Instead, I just did what I had to do to nurture my body because that’s what I had at the moment.   

It really is all about breaking old patterns though.  I watched that show about making you thin on TLC last night.  He talked about emotional eating and how people get trapped in these patterns, thinking food will fill that void. 

And that’s the same thing in my A New Earth book.  Essentially, he says that the past has no bearing on the present…unless you let it.  The memories and experiences you remember from your past have been molded and affected by your thoughts about them.  So if you overeat one day, trying to fill the void, that doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing today.  Every second we make a choice – are we going to be at peace with our place in this moment or are we going to get stuck in what might’ve been or what could be?  Today, my broccoli and I made peace. (Not peas because those are really gross!)

First Date #7 of 2008 will be on Saturday.  This guy, as they all have, seems nice.  He’s been divorced since November, sounds totally gay on the phone, and is about 5’7” on the roster.  I’m 5’6 ¾”.  With heels that puts me at about, let’s see, carry the one and take the square root – yeah, that puts me about way taller than him.  For fun, I’m almost tempted to wear heels on our date to see if he (and me) can handle it.  Nothing like throwing out challenges from the get-go, right? 

So last night I go to my women’s group meeting.  I’m cutting up strawberries in the kitchen when my old boss comes in and says that she has to ask me something that she doesn’t want to ask in front of the whole group.  I brace myself.  She says, “Are you looking for a date?”  My answer:  “Usually, why?”  She’s looking for a date for her son.  Now, she knows my dating preference for darker meat, which shocked me a little that she would ask, but I went with it.  He’s 29, has a great job, is frugal (read: cubic zirconia) and will probably have his first million by age 40, but is also anal and is a tad bit of a slob.  She warned me not to use his bathroom if I’m ever at his house.  Well, once again, getting the dirt out in the open (so to speak) right from the beginning! 

In my current state of going with the flowness, I agreed to go out with him to see what happens.  I ask my mom if she remembers what he looks like (she’s also known this lady for a lot of years.)  She tells me that this lady emailed her yesterday asking if she thought it was a good idea to hook us up – and she did get his picture yesterday.  He’s not ugly, but I wouldn’t necessarily pick him out of a crowd.  However, based on his conversation with his mom the other day, he’s ready for the same things I’m ready for.  He hasn’t dated much, but is ready to have a special person in his life and do all that American dream stuff.  And of course, his mom thinks he needs a nice girl, which apparently describes me. 

First Date #8 might be right around the corner then too.  The only thing that concerns me about these two guys is that I’m not really excited about either one.  I’m approaching dating with no expectations, so if something happens, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.  However, with no expectations, it is also feeling like I have no hope for either guy, and does having no hope automatically doom any chance they’ve got with me? 

I keep hoping the right guy will come with a big arrow over his head, letting me know that he’s it.  Since I’m not seeing any arrows, I begin to wonder if I’m even capable of feeling that new love giddiness that used to be so much fun.  Or maybe you don’t get that if you go into relationships with your eyes wide open.  I just don’t even know what’s possible or realistic anymore, so I guess I’ll just hold out for the big arrow and see where that leads me. 

When you grow up as an awkward kid, meeting new people can be a little intimidating.  I know we’re not supposed to care what people think, but we do.  So as I ventured into the first Book Club meeting last night, I was a little nervous.  But then something weird happened.  All of these people in this meeting looked familiar to me.  Like I’d seen them before somewhere…I have no idea where, but somewhere.  And so this calm came over me and I participated in the conversation, made them laugh, and never wondered what they were thinking of me, because I knew I was accepted there.   

The group was good – we discussed a-ha moments and what we all hoped to get out of the club.  At times it felt a little like group therapy as we’re all on this journey to inner peace, but again, I knew I was in exactly the right place and it felt good.   

I talked to my brother afterwards.  He was giving his girlfriend a massage because her back was hurting.  I avoided any jealous feelings I might have previously experienced in hearing that, but then he told me I was going to be an aunt.  WHHAAAAAAA??????  In the flash of a second, all of my previous enlightenment went away and I flashed back to the conversation I had with my brother and my cousin about sex.  I warned them to wrap it up and they promised not to knock anyone up before I had kids.  Now I know it’s unfair to make them wait forever as I’ve done, but OMG!!!!   

Well, fortunately, I also have a step-brother, who is a year older than me – and married.  When I saw his wife and him a few months ago, she mentioned that she’d be going off the pill soon.  And that’s all my little brother was telling me – my step-brother’s wife is going off the pill, so hopefully within a year, I’ll be an aunt again – and that news I can handle! 

After I got of the phone with my bro, I thought back to something someone had said at the Book Club.  She said, “All situations are neutral.  It’s our thoughts about the things that happen that make us feel great or cause us issues.”  So, so true.

At the Intuitive class last night, the topic was Love.  We listened to the Beatles “All You Need is Love” and then talked about how people love us the best way they know how, even if it doesn’t always line up with how we’d like them to love us.  They do the best they know how.  I truly believe that.   

But there was someone notably missing from last night’s class.  The psychic’s husband wasn’t there.  Her family is very involved – her kids pass out any handouts and collect the money, while her husband usually does the announcements and introduces her.  But he wasn’t there last time and he wasn’t there this time.  We think they’re having marital problems.  I guess even psychics can have relationship problems.  And when I realized that, a dose of humanity hit me.  We’re human, we make mistakes and regardless of who we are in this world, nobody’s life is perfect.  Nobody is without problems or challenges and nobody has everything they desire. 

In realizing that, all of a sudden my life became okay.  My life doesn’t need to be and shouldn’t be modeled after anyone else.  My life is just perfect for me and once again, I have everything I need at this moment.  Enlightenment is a crazy journey. 

Speaking of enlightenment, I have my first local Book Club meeting tonight.  We are expecting 40 people, but will break down into smaller groups of 10ish for future meetings.  I know nobody, but I do know we’re all on the same path and wanting to learn and implement the same teachings.   

In the back of my mind, I always wonder if any of these people I’ll be meeting will be making a huge impact in my life.  Will they introduce me to my future husband?  Will he be there tonight?  Will I meet life-long friends?  I definitely believe in the theory of six degrees of separation where we are connected to everyone in this world by a mere six people.  It’s just finding the right six people.  So will any of these people tonight be the ones I need to make that connection I’m looking for? 

ü      This economy is in a world of hurt.  My company is in the news for maybe being next to fail and I may not have a job tomorrow, but I’m doing a good job of sitting back and relaxing about the situation – there’s nothing I can do about it, except be prepared if that happens.

ü      I’ve dated some interesting guys…and looking back, I can’t be 100% sure why I did.  On Saturday night, I got drunken 2am text from the white guy saying he really misses me.  Thanks, but I’d rather sleep.

ü      Since I’ve given up, and frankly been pretty uninterested with CU Guy, he’s texted me everyday.  I did advise him that if he really does want to hang out, it might be a good idea to give me some notice rather than text me at 8pm asking what I’m doing right then.  If I don’t have something planned, there’s a good chance I’m going to find something to keep myself entertained, and so a little planning might be nice.

ü      I’ve been talking to a guy online who is doing an internship for the Nuggets.  I saw him on the court when JC and I went to the game on Friday.  He’s kind of cute – short, but cute.  My concern is the “internship” part and the fact that he’s still in school.  32 years old and no real job yet.  I think he did a stint in the Army and that could be part of it, but still, I’m just not sure he is where I need my man to be.

ü      JC and I went to the Nuggets Friday – again, had a spectacular time!  We had ghetto-fabulous seats on the 3^rd level, but we were first row behind the railing – perfect view – and again, it was FUN!

ü      My family doesn’t have much tact sometimes.  My uncle, who doesn’t understand why I would complain about being 31 and single, commented yesterday that it seems these days everyone is having babies at 38 and he’d NEVER do THAT.  You’d be 60 by the time they got out of school and that’s just way too old!!!  Um, thanks Bob.  Nothing like feeling like a total and complete loser amongst family.

ü      Logic doesn’t always make sense.  I watch my diet, I exercise and yet, I don’t lose any weight.  So I slack off this weekend, don’t exercise, I’m dehydrated and even with an AF visit, I still lose 2 pounds.  What should work, doesn’t always work.  And what shouldn’t work, sometimes does.  I guess the moral there, once again, is quit anticipating and trying to predict sh*t and just live!

Being at peace is a really bizarre thing.  Suddenly, it’s almost like I have nothing to say in my blog!  I have nothing to complain about, no venting about how far I am from my hopes and dreams because everything is a-ok and exactly as it should be.  I’m living my hopes and dreams right now because I am living.  I’ve got the present and nothing else.  

Don’t get me wrong – there are still experiences I would love to have during my lifetime, and I can move towards those things with the choices I make now, but no amount of hoping, wishing, praying, regretting or frustrating myself is going to make them happen, so instead of wallowing, I’m living. 

Yesterday, I was going to go to the gym, but it was such a nice day out.  So instead, I took my book and walked over to these soccer fields near my house.  I sat against a goal post and read – but more than just reading, I became completely aware of my surroundings and completely aware of that moment.  I listened to the traffic from the highway.  I listened to soccer practice a few fields away.  I listened to two guys playing with a Frisbee.  I heard a bird on a post behind me – maybe chirping some sort of mating call.  I heard people on the golf course.  And I felt the sun’s energy warming my face.  I closed my eyes and let myself feel my own aliveness.  And it felt really good to be alive. 

As I drove into work this morning, I was thinking about my job.  No, I don’t love it.  But it does have its benefits and for now, I’m okay where I’m at.  If my situation becomes not okay, I’ll change it, but until then, there’s no sense in worrying about it. 

Do I love being single?  No, but again, it has its benefits.  I can sleep until noon and no one cares.  I don’t wake up to snoring or hearing someone in the shower.  And if I want to trash my house, I can!  And again, if I meet someone I’d like to create a life with, then I will, and if not, there’s no sense in worrying about it. 

I would love to have children too.  But if I don’t, that doesn’t change who I am.  It just changes one of the roles I would play during my life.  I may find a baby’s daddy one day.  I may go buy a tube of junk one day.  I may fall head over heels in love with some guy and have 10 babies by him.  But those are all decisions for down the road and there’s no sense in worrying about it now. 

I was telling the white guy I dated about how all those things, roles, ideas we identify with – those aren’t the true essence of who we are, but because we identify so closely with them, they become who we are.  As soon as we are aware that they are just roles and ideas, we distance ourselves from them and they become less important in making us feel whole.  Now, keep in mind, he’s very negative and insecure and definitely caught up in his story, which is fine if that’s what works for him.  So he asked me, “Well, then, who are you??”  That’s when I had an a-ha moment!  The question of who I am can’t and doesn’t need to be answered.  I refuse to reduce who I am to simple words when who I am is so much more than that.  It can’t be explained and more than that, shouldn’t be explained.  It just is and that’s perfectly okay by me.