My 6^th first date of the year is tonight.  I pretty much already know he’s not it, so why am I going then?  Why am I doing this to myself?  Maybe I just keep hoping that everybody is right and it’ll happen when I least expect it.  Okay, I’m for sure least expecting it with him!  This is going to sound so superficial, but one of the things that just doesn’t mesh for me is his name.  Paul.  I’ve never met a Paul that I was attracted to – whether physical appearance or personality.  I was recently talking to an Oscar – and I’d even prefer that over Paul.  Just a gut feeling. 

We’re going for drinks (Diet Coke, please) and I’m hoping to get out of there in 45 minutes flat.  Is that horrible to go into it with that expectation?  And worse case, if I want to hit the gym, I’ll only have an hour and 15 minutes anyway, so might as well shoot for 45.  Poor sucker just doesn’t even have a chance…so again, WHY AM I GOING? 

The question for today is, where do you draw the line between doing what’s right for you and being so closed off that no man has a chance?  When I was younger and dating, I didn’t care how late a guy called me.  But now, I feel like, if I tell you that I work at 5am and you still send me a text at 10:30pm, that’s just plain disrespectful.  And if you disrespect me like that, you’re out.  But am I being too harsh?   

I just really don’t understand boys.  I’ve been talking to this guy from out of state.  He’s in the music business, trying to get that music thing going, whatever that means.  He calls me “Baby” in every freakin’ sentence.  Okay, I’m not your baby, that’s not my name and I don’t know you like that!  So he sends me pictures of him…nekked.  First of all, the only reason I could see you’d do that is if you were super impressive.  He’s not, but apparently he thinks he is.  And why would you send pics like that to someone you hardly know anyway?  I’ve talked to him twice on the phone.  Each time, he’ll text me first to see what I’m doing, then tell me to call him.  You think I don’t know that when I call you there’s no record of my phone number on your cell phone bill?  And if you were to call me, and someone saw my number, she might get suspicious.  Okay, I’m not stupid.   

So moving on…I talked to this other guy online.  We start talking about going to Vegas and he mentions that he’d expect me to, um, do things to him while he’s driving to take me out.  Yeah, no thanks….plus you’re not that cute anyway.  The next day he emails me to see when we’re going out.  Um, hell no, as I run hollering and screaming in the opposite direction.  He asks why not?  Do you REALLY have to ask? 

And finally, there’s CU Guy.  He stopped by on his way home the other night.  Talked all this trash about getting nekked before he got there, then when he got there, NOTHING.  The funniest part is he really had a chance with me…but he just can’t make a move to save his life!  So he leaves and texts me again, talking more trash about how he’ll come back right now, etc, etc.  RIGHT.  I’m holding my breath on that one.   

Moral of the story, boys are just a whole different species!  Seriously, is there anyone SANE out there for me???

People say that time makes things easier, but I don’t necessarily agree.  Maybe when things DO happen, time makes the memories and the hurt fade, but what about when things DON’T happen?  I used to believe in love.  I used to believe that my prince charming was going to sweep me off my feet and it’d be this amazing love affair for all those in my kingdom to envy.  Um yeah, still waiting.  And time hasn’t made it easier. 

I watched Dirty Dancing this weekend.  That used to be my favorite movie.  Maybe it was that I wished I could dance – or had someone to dance with.  Or maybe it was that I wished my family was still a family and we could afford to take a month long vacation to an all-inclusive resort.  Or maybe I wished I could’ve gone to “Daddy” with any and all problems.  Who knows why, but it was one of my favorite movies.  So I watched some of it this weekend.  Baby talks about being scared that she’ll leave his room and never feeling the same way about anyone else as she feels for him.  Then they get freaky.  I have those fears about never being in love again, yet I don’t get to get freaky afterwards.  I got jacked on that deal. 

Anyway, I used to believe in love.  But time is gradually chipping away at that belief, leaving me with some sort of sick and twisted harsh reality.  And that’s just cruel.  But it is what it is.  I can’t force life at gunpoint to give me what I want.  If it wants to give me something, I will accept gratefully and if it doesn’t, well, I guess I have to find other ways to occupy my time…like watching old movies and remembering the love I thought was possible. 

I just got emotional.  Most of the time, I front like that doesn’t happen, but it does.  This time, it happened as I was walking to the bathroom at work.  I guess all of the pain and loss in this world just hit me like a ton of bricks.  One of my friends is going through a really tough time.  I can’t pretend that I can possibly feel her true pain as she feels it.  We all have pain in different ways, over different things, but it is a pain that is individual to us.  But I want her to be okay.  I want her to have all of the experiences she desires in this world and I want her to experience them in a joyful way.  In fact, I want that for all of the good people in this world.  But of course, I am just me and can only do what’s humanly possible. And in thinking about her situation, I had a moment. 

I had lunch with another friend of mine today.  She’s divorced, but has been dating an amazing guy – possibly the one.  She hasn’t been in a serious relationship since her marriage ended 6 years ago.  And she keeps telling me that she has so much hope for me and she knows the right guy is on his way, and I hope she’s right.  But she gave me something.  It’s a Christmas ornament in a little clear box.  A silver angel.  On the box, it’s labeled a Love Angel.  But it goes deeper.  Engraved down the side, and I didn’t notice it at first, it says “PROTECT THIS WOMAN.”  Protect me?  An angel to bring me love, but to protect me from love too?  It’s true – when we love, we need protection.  When we fall in love, there will be times that he will hurt us, so we need protection.  As a child, our parents aren’t perfect, but we love them anyway, so we need protection.  As a parent, or as someone trying to become a parent, the experience can sometimes hurt, so we need protection from that too.  And in searching for love, we need protection.  But to experience the deepest, most fulfilling love, we have to be vulnerable and take that risk of getting hurt…and hope it’s all worth it in the end.

It’s almost March.  That means for almost two months, I’ve pretty much stuck to my New Year’s Resolution!  I’m proud of myself!  Each week this year, I’ve exercised anywhere from 5 to 7 times and I’ve really made it a habit.  If I don’t exercise, I feel like something is missing and that’s a REALLY good thing!  I’ve lost 5 pounds in those 2 months – nothing spectacular, but I’ll take it.  So now that I’ve mastered the exercise, it’s time to master eating right.  I’ve got a big business trip to Washington, DC coming in April and I need to look smokin’ hot for that, so it’s time!   

The other thing I’ve decided is that I’m tired of dating.  The fact that I’ve had 5 first dates this year is a little appalling, but what’s my other choice?  To sit at home alone?  Seriously, with that many first dates, you’d think I was staring in the next edition of The Bachelorette.  

 At my last family dinner, my uncle couldn’t believe that my cousin and I were complaining about being single.  He thought being single sounded like a great idea!  So I found it interesting when his wife went on a cruise with her friends and he called my mom telling her how lonely he was.  He told her the house was too quiet and he really didn’t look forward to leaving work, knowing no one was there waiting for him.  Well, duh.  THAT is what it’s like to be single.   

I just read an article about how single people take on more projects at work and put in more overtime.  Well, no wonder – they’re just trying to avoid going home where it’s quiet and lonely!  So let’s get this straight.  As a single person, we work more, we die sooner, we’re crabby because we get less sex, we pay more bills and if we choose to have kids, we get to do it all by ourselves.  Oh yeah, loads of fun!  I’m still waiting to see where the great part about being single happens…

1.      That stupid Tanya girl from Paradise Hotel 2 was on Millionaire Matchmaker the other night.  Is she that desperate for attention (I mean, she makes out with every guy on the show anyway, so maybe), or is she an actress – and all reality shows are “staged”?  According to the PH2 website, she “hates that her beautiful looks prevent people from taking her seriously.”  Um, no, we don’t take you seriously because you’ve swapped saliva with every guy in a 50 mile radius.

2.      Not that I would ever admit that I’ve EVER watched either of those shows anyway.  Just making an observation.

3.       “I wouldn’t date her, but we could f**k.”  Maybe I’m just not dateable.  No word from Smiley.  I emailed him a Bday message yesterday, he wrote back and said thanks.  Yeah, thanks for nothing.

4.      Credit Union guy has to be gay.  He made no move after I gave him the opening.  He obviously doesn’t appreciate women.  So to him, I say, “I wouldn’t date him, but we could f**k.” – unless he’s gay and then I’ll pass.

5.      I should’ve done something more creative with my life.  Nike paid $35 for their logo.  I could’ve come up with something like that!  But no, my job is straight out of Office Space.  PC Load Letter?  WTF is PC Load Letter?  I really should find something else to do.

6.      Part of the reason I’d like to keep this job for a while is because of the 12 weeks paid maternity leave.  Paid.  100% of your salary.  That’s hard to find these days.  But of course, when maternity leave seems to be light years away, why does it make sense for me to stay here just because of that?

7.      At the Nuggets last night, this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the court.  They convinced her that she was picked for a contest – the contest ended in her taking off her blindfold to find him on one knee.  I sure hope she appreciates what she has – a guy who will do that for her has to be pretty decent.  And I do hope she’s thankful that she’s got someone to keep her warm at night, calm her when she gets upset and that she has someone to plan a future with – that has to give her a little feeling of hope.  I can only imagine as I wouldn’t really know what it’s like, but…

CU Guy and I did end up getting together Friday night.  Just to watch movies – but as we sat next to each other watching some random movie, my leg rested against his.  I held the remote tightly, but let me hand rest on his leg.  He put his arm up on the couch – almost around me, but careful not to touch me.  As we talked, he turned to look at me – inches from my face – he smiled, then looked back at the TV.  The attraction was there and the desire was there…so why in the world did he suddenly get up and say he had to leave??  I mean, WTF????  Whatever…boys are dumb, throw rocks at them.

I said Credit Union Guy was next…you know, if that were going to be true, he’d have to put forth a little effort!  He didn’t say happy V-Day yesterday.  I emailed him this morning to ask if we were going to hang out tonight like we had talked about earlier in the week.  No response.  Poor fool could’ve had a really good thing, but he messed up.  Too bad, so sad, you gets no luv.

The date with Smiley went surprisingly well.  I felt like I could talk to him about anything that was on my mind.  He mentioned that he thought about getting me a rose for Valentine’s Day, but then wondered if that’d create too much pressure.  I told him he could do that next time!!   

We talked about dating horror stories and keys to make a relationship work.  He said that right now he’s interested in getting to know someone and he’s really not in any rush.  He wants to “date” – go to dinner, go to the movies, spend time without making life decisions together on the second date.  And oddly enough, right now that works for me.  Traditionally, I’ve been quick to jump in, but this time, I’m okay with going slow.  We went for drinks and appetizers, so he said maybe next time we could actually have dinner, then the time after that we’ll have dessert.  So he does want to see me again, which is good, because I want to see him again too. 

Of course this means I’m still free to explore other options, which is maybe why the situation works for me right now.  Not sure what’s up with CU Guy – I invited him to hang out with me, but he hasn’t really been receptive.  So for now, I back off.  Hopefully he won’t miss his golden opportunity though!! 

I did have a Valentine’s visitor last night as well.  JC and his daughter stopped by to give me a Dora Valentine with a little lollipop attached.  “Happy Valentime’s Day, Micole” is how she said it.  Cutest thing ever.  Her dad brought me a card too, basically letting me know that he’s glad I’m in his life and that I’m important to him.  The part that made me say, WAIT A MINUTE, was when he said, “I love you with all my heart.”  Oh, so those other women you love isn’t with your heart, it’s with something else?  Uh huh.  Whatever.  Don’t get me wrong, I still love the bastard, just not enough to put aside my hopes and dreams for!

Remember the yellow sticky with the 3 things I wanted to happen?  Item #2 happened tonight.  I have a date with the white guy for tomorrow…Valentine’s Day.  I talked to him for over an hour tonight and he seems really cool!  So, we’re having drinks tomorrow – and we discussed that there’s no added pressure even though it’s February 14th.  I’ll keep you posted!

Side Note:  This doesn’t mean CU Guy isn’t next.  Just means I have a date for Valentine’s Day!!