Something happened this weekend. I’m not sure that I can pinpoint which moment caused it or if it was something that has been building up for a long time. My hope that what I want for my life could happen came crashing down. If you ask me today, no, I don’t think I’ll ever get married or have a family. And right now, it sure does feel like I’m going to come home every freakin’ night for the rest of my life to an empty house. No wonder the lifespan for single people is so much less. It’s depressing and you’ve got nothing to stick around for!
Maybe it was when my friend asked why JC is still a part of my life and I had to really think about that. She said that obviously I’m getting something from him and obviously some part of it is still working for me. (She must watch Dr. Phil.) So I thought and thought and thought some more. Here’s the answer: Without JC, I have no one of the male persuasion to go places with, no one to ask me how my day was, no one to hug me when he does see me, no one to tell me he loves me (on random occasions) and no one for me to care about. So that’s why he’s still here – because I can’t bear the thought of having ABSOLUTELY nothing. Having him in my life is next to nothing, but he’s still something. We have fun when we hang out as we always did enjoy each other’s company…and at this point, I’ll take all the fun I can get.
And maybe it was when I realized that I’m completely alone in my situation. It feels like I’m out on an island…yeah, there are boats off the coast and there are people in those boats with their own struggles, but they can’t understand what it feels like to be on this island with no indication that I’ll ever get off. I’ve got a coconut stash and a box of matches, but those won’t last forever – and the rainy season is coming so my shelter will probably fall down anyway, and I can’t lift those logs to rebuild by myself. I can talk to people and they can offer advice, but not one of them can identify with what I’m going through. Like I’m some sort of freak of nature or something.
Maybe they really should put me in the zoo behind a cage with a sign labeled, “THIRTY-SOMETHING SINGLE WOMAN – Nearly Extinct”. People can ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ at the atrocity, all the while taking comfort that when they go home at night, they’re surrounded by family and would never have to be in such a horrible situation.
My e.harmony subscription is up later this week. That was a waste of time. So, how am I meeting people, you ask? Yeah, I’m not. I’ve given up. I’ve tried to be at the right place at the right time, I’ve tried to get out there and all it does is depress me when I realize that I’ve drawn last in the dating pool. My choices are slim to none. Or maybe it’s me and I’m the one being picked last for kickball. Either way, it’s completely and utterly pathetic.
