A lot of life is trial and error – basically trying new things to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.  Just this morning, I realized that I am exploring what works for me and taking each small victory as it comes – and it’s nice to finally understand what I need.   

I used to weigh myself everyday…sometimes twice a day, but then I decided that I was focusing too much on the numbers and maybe if I put my focus elsewhere, the numbers would magically decrease.  The Secret approach to life is great, but if you’re eating crap and not exercising, when you get on the scale three months later, you will have gained 15 pounds!  No wonder my jeans just weren’t fitting me like they used to! Anyway, so three weeks ago I started a new exercise program.  I’ve been weighing in weekly, but the scale wasn’t changing.  I decided last Sunday that something had to change because this isn’t working!  See, in figuring out what doesn’t work, you are one step closer to what does! 

So I started writing down everything I was eating and keeping track of my calorie totals.  And I started weighing myself again everyday.  I skipped yesterday because my evil Aunt Flo is visiting and I didn’t want to get discouraged by her presence.  This morning, she’s subsided a little and get this – since Sunday, I’ve lost 5 pounds.  This is what it feels like to be on the Biggest Loser!!  And I’ve still got 3 days left in my week, so there’s a chance that I really could have numbers like those contestants!!  YEAH! 

And I have a second date with the Cop this afternoon.  He’s really looking forward to it, I’m mediocre about it.  But I do remember that when I first met this guy, I didn’t think he was so bad.  Even with my initial reservations, I’m going with the three date rule for him.  I’m not deciding anything about him until after three dates.  But what is it that I’m really deciding?  Really, nothing more than if I want to have a fourth date.  This isn’t all or nothing dating.  He won’t be the last guy to cross my path and he’s not my only choice, so I don’t HAVE to choose him.  And that’s refreshing.  Oh hey, he just sent me a text and wants to postpone our date – works even better for me because now I get to take a nap and I’ll have time for a workout.  See – everything is just falling into place.  Well, tiny steps, but I’m getting there! 

To display my positive changes, I made a physical change as well.  I got my haircut yesterday – chopped off 5 inches!  I really like it too – it’s just below my shoulders – long enough to put in a ponytail, short enough to be lower maintenance.  And my hairdresser said I look “sassy!”  So now I’ve got the sassy hair-do to go with the sassy attitude – oh yeah, GAME ON!!!

Dear Universe, 

Maybe we misunderstood each other.  When I said that I wanted to be in a relationship and I wanted to find someone that I was attracted to, maybe you didn’t understand what I was asking for.  I wasn’t asking for someone to fall head over heels for me after only one date.  I was saying that I wanted to find someone I liked…and I suppose in a relationship you have to like each other, but I want that LIKE feeling too. 

It’s stressing me out that The Cop likes me so much.  I’m leery of his advances just because I have this preconceived notion that cops can sometimes get violent and possessive and the fact that he’s so into me is making me a little nervous. 

He told me last night that’s glad he met me and he hopes that he doesn’t get let down because he really likes me.  Um, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you get let down that’s because YOUR expectations were too high.  We were talking about when to see each other next.  He’s working nights until Sunday, so it’s up to him as to whether we get together in the afternoon before he goes to work.  I asked if he wanted to wait until he’s not working – he’s not sure he can wait that long.  Oh, man. 

Wouldn’t it just be much easier if the guys I loved could just love me back like I need?  Wouldn’t that be the ideal situation??  I mean, I’m not as all knowing as you, so I’m just guessing here.  Of course, I’m supposed to get together with Credit Union Guy this weekend – he seems a little flaky, but we’ve been talking for almost two months, so I guess we might as well meet. 

And I’m going to the Nuggets game with JC tonight.  One of the guys at his work got tickets for really cheap, and who am I to pass up a free sporting event?  Plus it did cross my mind that there’s more potential to meet people there than there is sitting at home watching Lifetime movies.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the recent Lifetime movie selection.  I’ve learned all about stalker neighbors, teen pregnancy and escaping polygamy, but I think real life experience is a little more beneficial.  I’m not sure how that’d work if I tried to meet people with JC there, but maybe it’d be easier to tell him that I’d met someone if he saw it happen with his own eyes.  Who knows. 

Anyway, Universe, it seems like I’ve got a lot going right now and that I’ve got some options.  Thank you for that, but if I could just ask one last favor (okay, well two), I’d be so much more settled.  First, could the right guy just be holding that big sign saying, “Nicole, pick me!”  That’d be a big help.  If he looked like Hannibal too, I’d be sure not to miss him.  And secondly, can my buddy Jen have a high beta tomorrow?  171 would rock, but anything convincingly in the triple digits would be just perfect.  We’d just like the reassurance of knowing that she’s carrying a new life inside her belly.  Everyone is hopeful for her, but it sure would be nice to have the numbers to back us up.  She’s had a rough go, so doesn’t it seem like it’s the right time for it to happen? Seems like a lot of people worked hard last year, so how about throwing us all a bone and giving us some great things this month?  That’s all for now!  Much Love.  Peace Out.

You can’t become a butterfly as long as you’re holding onto the cocoon.  It’ll weigh you down and you’ll never fly.   If you still have to walk everywhere dragging your cocoon, it pretty much defeats the purpose of having wings.  All because you just can’t, or don’t want to, let go. 

My problem is, I like my cocoon.  When I’m with it, I feel safe and happy and we laugh together and I love that.  The best times in my life have been with my cocoon.  As much as it’s bruised me, it still gives me a comfort (no pun) that I’ve never felt anywhere else.  It’s not to say that I will never feel that again and not to say that I won’t ever feel anything better, but I still love my cocoon.  And it scares me to fly away.  Flying away means that it’ll never again hold me close and tell me it loves me.  And flying away means I’m giving up on my cocoon, when before I believed in it even when it didn’t believe in itself.  I’d be giving up on the idea that my cocoon could ever be exactly what I was looking for – and admitting that I was wrong when I truly believed that it was everything I needed.  Accepting that the best times in my life were a lie makes my heart hurt. 

Don’t get me wrong, my new destination could be way better and I could grow to love it even more.  But in my heart, I know that I’ll always miss my cocoon.  And in my heart, I’m sure there will be times that I will want to go back.  But I also know I can’t.  If I fly away to a new destination, there’s no room for my cocoon there.  I can’t take it with me.  My new destination looks nice, not perfect, but nice.  I’ve seen the brochures and I’m interested in taking a visit and exploring a little.  But even if it’s just for a visit, I’m still scared.

From my dating experiences, I’ve always been able to tell when I first meet a guy if I’m going to have sex with him and I also know if I’m not.  So, that’s where I’m confused.  I had a date today and I don’t know if I’m going to have sex with him.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever been in that situation before!  Usually it’s a resounding yes or a definite no and this one is a pretty sure maybe. 

We  met for lunch after running across each other online.  Initially, like with anyone, he’s got negatives and positives, but I thought, well, what do I have to lose.  When he first walked up, I thought, hey, he’s not bad.  And as we talked further, I realized that he’s really goofy, which I like, and he just kind of says whatever is on his mind, which is refreshing too.

While we were eating, he told me I was cute.  Then he said he feels like he’s seen me somewhere before – he asked if I’d ever done commercials or modeling.  Ha!  Then he said, well, maybe it was in a past life.  Hmm.  Anyway, he already sent me a text to see what I thought and what my expectations were.  We decided that we’d both like to see each other again and see where it goes from there and I’m okay with that.  I honestly have no expectations – and maybe that’s why he’s a maybe…because this is the first time that I’m actually going with the flow.  Interesting.

Okay, so here’s the scoop on him…the good and the makes me nervous (because I don’t know yet if they’re bad).  The good – he’s cute, funny and intelligent.  And the makes me nervous - he’s 36, has custody of his 2 kids (ages 13 and 16), an ex wife who sees the kids on the weekends and he works the night shift – Thursday through Sunday.  Doing what you say?  Um, here’s the kicker.  He’s a cop.  I haven’t always had the best opinion of cops because I think it takes a certain person to want to do that…and it’s that type of person that I don’t necessarily like.  But who knows, maybe this guy will change my opinion.  The other concern I have is…he’s already raised a family – would he want to do that again with me?  I’m sure that’s a conversation we’ll have, and sooner rather than later.

 But for now, I go with the flow and see what happens…scary, but it’s what I’ve gotta do!

When Hannibal walked in the room, it’s like the world went into slow motion – everyone would stop to look, admiring his complete and unmistakable hotness.  The skies would part and a ray of sunshine would reflect off of his sexy skin while the angels sang their praises.  6’3”, 245 of pure silky chocolate.  He really was the shiznit, the cat’s meow, all that and a bag of chips.  Did I ever really think I had a chance with him?  Not really…but I managed not to cry when I heard he had a daughter and realized that he had blessed another woman (who wasn’t me) with his man seed. 

Maybe I’m being a little dramatic (that’s never happened before) – just trying to give a little background.  So imagine my surprise when Hannibal joined me in my dream last night.  He was still hot as ever!  And before I knew it, he was asking me out on a date.  A date with Hannibal?  Are you kidding me??  And in my dream, I was excited, I had butterflies and even while still talking to him, I was already planning my outfit.  Sexy, not slutty.  Comfortable, yet stunning.  And yes, I even wondered if I’d need to wear something easily removable (not that I’m that type of girl!) 

But then I heard something off in the distance.  It was a song – and an R Kelly song at that.  But not a Your Body’s Callin’ song like I’d want to hear while spending time with Hannibal, but a different song.  And with each note of the song, Hannibal got further and further away as my attention was drawn to my phone on the nightstand.  Oh, the joys of still having a job and getting 2am phone calls to tell me there was an error in our automated reports.  And just like that, Hannibal was gone. 

After I got up and fixed the reports, realizing I only had another 30 minutes to sleep before the alarm sounds anyway, I started thinking back to Hannibal.  Why would I tell myself that I could never be in a relationship with Hannibal?  I could!  I’m cute and smart and nice and cute!  I deserve a guy who gives me butterflies and makes my world stop when he walks in the room.  Of course he needs to be more than just hot, but intelligent and genuine and loving too.  But those are givens – even for an ugly guy.  There is nothing to say that I couldn’t end up with a Hannibal – except me.  I’m the only one denying the possibility.   

Most people say that at my age, we’ve been through a lot of adversities, so we’ve all got baggage.  Maybe it’s not baggage – maybe it’s the experiences we needed to make us who we are today – stronger and more sure of what we want and who we truly are.  So maybe there is a reason for the hard times and maybe there is a reason that Hannibal was there last night – to remind me of the butterflies.  I was starting to lose hope that I could ever feel that again, but now I remember, all it takes is one person – THE RIGHT PERSON – and those butterflies be flapping their wings once again.  Until then, no amount of kicking the caterpillar shells or poking or prodding will make the butterflies happen any faster.  You just have to show them a little light and a little love and they’ll be there when they’re ready.

In my dream, the psychic gave me 48 hours to be aware and alert for new developments around me.  Boy, did I not see this one coming!!  I thought for sure it’d be a sign about my love life, but today 1,300 people got let go at my company.  For now, I am safe.  I went to the tribal counsel and I made it to the next round.  I’m surprised at that, but grateful at the same time.  With all of these changes and movement of people’s cheese, they will be closing some of our local offices, with all remaining employees moving into my building.  Maybe this does affect my love life though as a whole new crop of people will be moving in!  I guess as hard as change is, it’s necessary to keep us moving and growing.  But it still makes me sad.

My life, in its current state, is unacceptable.  There is no choice but improvement.   

I went to the Intuitive Class last night and one of the things the psychic always makes a point about is this – we are the only ones placing limitations on our lives.  When we are born, we demand what we want without feeling guilty or undeserving…and we usually get what we want.  But as we get older, we are taught that rewards come with hard work, it’s better to give than to receive and we should be satisfied with what we have because there are people in the world who are worse off than us.  Those beliefs are unacceptable.   

At the risk of sounding conceited, I deserve the best and I deserve every single thing that I want from life.  I deserve love, I deserve happiness, I deserve a partner who I feel passionately about and who appreciates me for all that I am.  And that’s what I’m going to get.  I don’t know how I’ll meet this guy or who he’ll be, but I know for damn sure, it’ll be love at first sight – when I see him, I’ll know it’s him – even if he’s not wearing a sign saying, “PICK ME!”  I’ll get butterflies and it’ll be a romance that is typically only seen in Disney movies – but without the wicked stepmother and midnight curfew. 

Another thing she mentioned last night is that the Universe doesn’t tell time.  There could be things I can’t see working in the background only to be revealed when the time is right.  And with patience and trust, the projects underway could be even better than what I’ve hoped for.  But if I give up now, I may never see it. 

I didn’t feel this way as I left the class last night – in fact, I cried on the way home because I feel so lost.  But I had a dream last night that was a little too real to just brush off.  I was in a room talking to the psychic.  She was telling me that I’m close – give it another 48 hours and just see what happens – look for signs that I’m close, choose to see the potential.  And trust.  I got an overwhelming sense of calm and contentment.  And then I woke up.  At 3:31.  The alarm goes off at 3:34. It’s okay that I’m not happy with my life, because I know it’s going to get better. 

I shouldn’t have to be happy anyway because I don’t yet have all that I deserve.  And let me clarify a little – I am happy with myself.  I know I’m a good person and I know I’m doing the best I can.  So although I’m happy with myself, I’m not happy with my situation.  If I were happy with where I am, what would be my motivation to strive for more?  Again, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all that I have in my life and I appreciate the people I have in my life, but I want more.  And there’s nothing wrong with that – because I deserve it!

Dr. Phil has become known as some sort of relationship expert.  On occasion, I’ll watch him to explore what advice he’s got, but I thoroughly lost confidence in him on yesterday’s show.  First of all, he is apparently in a new partnership with Mr. Bachelor ER Doctor who is coming out with a new show later this year.  Forget that he chose neither girl in the final rose ceremony and he’s still single, so I’m not sure what advice he can give.  But he’s now written a book too…all about not being “That Girl”.  Nice job, Doc – criticize women, but don’t ever admit that there could be something wrong with men. 

So this one lady works too much and doesn’t go out.  She spends time with her friends, but seems pretty cut off from the dating world.  Did you ever think she does this because she’s seen what’s out there and completely fed up?  Of course not.  So they get on her about how she needs to not discuss work when she’s not at work.  She agrees, but then asks for advice from “the experts”.  She admits that she doesn’t want to go out to bars and clubs like she did when she was younger, so where is she supposed to meet men?  Amen, sister!  They all laugh awkwardly and Dr. Phil responds with a disheartening, “And we’ll be right back!” 

What kind of an expert are you??  Way to criticize, but not offer any suggestions on how to improve her situation.  You would even think Dr. Phil would take that opportunity to plug his crappy online dating site endorsement deal, but no, he’s got nothing.  I’m starting to believe that the only answer to that question is, “Well, if you were married by now, you wouldn’t have to worry about that!”  Thanks for nothing, Dr. Phil.

Something happened this weekend.  I’m not sure that I can pinpoint which moment caused it or if it was something that has been building up for a long time.  My hope that what I want for my life could happen came crashing down.  If you ask me today, no, I don’t think I’ll ever get married or have a family.  And right now, it sure does feel like I’m going to come home every freakin’ night for the rest of my life to an empty house.  No wonder the lifespan for single people is so much less.  It’s depressing and you’ve got nothing to stick around for!  

Maybe it was when my friend asked why JC is still a part of my life and I had to really think about that.  She said that obviously I’m getting something from him and obviously some part of it is still working for me. (She must watch Dr. Phil.)  So I thought and thought and thought some more.  Here’s the answer:  Without JC, I have no one of the male persuasion to go places with, no one to ask me how my day was, no one to hug me when he does see me, no one to tell me he loves me (on random occasions) and no one for me to care about.  So that’s why he’s still here – because I can’t bear the thought of having ABSOLUTELY nothing.  Having him in my life is next to nothing, but he’s still something.  We have fun when we hang out as we always did enjoy each other’s company…and at this point, I’ll take all the fun I can get. 

And maybe it was when I realized that I’m completely alone in my situation.  It feels like I’m out on an island…yeah, there are boats off the coast and there are people in those boats with their own struggles, but they can’t understand what it feels like to be on this island with no indication that I’ll ever get off.  I’ve got a coconut stash and a box of matches, but those won’t last forever – and the rainy season is coming so my shelter will probably fall down anyway, and I can’t lift those logs to rebuild by myself.  I can talk to people and they can offer advice, but not one of them can identify with what I’m going through.  Like I’m some sort of freak of nature or something.   

Maybe they really should put me in the zoo behind a cage with a sign labeled, “THIRTY-SOMETHING SINGLE WOMAN – Nearly Extinct”.  People can ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ at the atrocity, all the while taking comfort that when they go home at night, they’re surrounded by family and would never have to be in such a horrible situation. 

My e.harmony subscription is up later this week.  That was a waste of time.  So, how am I meeting people, you ask?  Yeah, I’m not.  I’ve given up.  I’ve tried to be at the right place at the right time, I’ve tried to get out there and all it does is depress me when I realize that I’ve drawn last in the dating pool.  My choices are slim to none.  Or maybe it’s me and I’m the one being picked last for kickball.  Either way, it’s completely and utterly pathetic. 

What do you call a single, attractive, intelligent, caring man?

A RUMOR!