New Year’s Eve ranks right up there with Valentine’s Day on my list of favorite holidays.  When you’re single, everyone asks who you’re going to kiss at midnight, just like they want to know who’s going to be your Valentine.  And of course if you don’t have a midnight kisser or a Valentine, then you’re just pathetic.  As if I didn’t know that on my own.   

I did get an invite to a New Year’s Eve party.  There will be a ton of people there, although not necessarily my crowd.  Probably a lot of couples, which of course leaves me my pick of the McNasty’s to choose as a midnight kisser.  I’m not sure there’s enough alcohol in the world.  Or I could leave at 11:58pm.  Or not go at all.  So my New Year’s Eve plans are still up in the air, but no matter what I’m doing, I’m tempted to stay up until midnight just to make sure 2007 really does go away and doesn’t try to hang on for even a second longer.  Don’t let the door hit ya where the dog bit ya. 

On that note, as promised, my focus points for 2008: 

1.      Recognize and understand my feelings, but most importantly allow myself to feel – whether my mind tells me it’s right or wrong.  Eventually I plan to learn to communicate those feelings too!!  Maybe even this year if I’m feeling ambitious!

2.      Along with that, I want to be clear with my intentions – by doing so and recognizing exactly what I want and why I want it, I may just get it!

3.      Get out of the poor me pit – my life could always be worse, so I have to focus on and be appreciative for the great things I do have in my life. 

4.      Begin an 8-week diet/exercise program starting today – my goal is to lose 15 pounds – but regardless of the number, I want to show that I can make the right decisions and treat my body with respect. 

You’ll notice a theme in all of these things – they’re all about doing what’s right for me, letting myself be me with all the love and respect I deserve, and finding what makes me happy.  Gee, isn’t that why I started this blog?   

I do want to take this time to thank all (ALL=1) of my readers for putting up with me this year…I know it hasn’t been easy and I may have been, ahem, a little difficult at times.  More than anything, I wish everyone true happiness, personal growth, development and reproduction in the new year.  May all of your efforts reap a reward and may all of your rewards be astronomical!

Okay, let me just get this out there.  I love the Predator.  He’s strong, sexy, driven and can kick ass whenever need be.  So for Christmas, JC wanted to take me to see AVP2.  I know it’s not really called AVP2, but I think that’s a better name than AVPR, so there.  Anyway, there wasn’t enough of the Predator in the movie so I was slightly disappointed – too many Aliens or Pred-Alien hybrids.  And the Predator they used was far from the original – he was skinny and I like a man with some muscle on him.  He did make the sexy Predator noise and give me a little growl here and there, so that was good for me.  Seriously though, don’t ever hate on my love for the Predator – have you seen my dating choices recently?  The Predator is the best one out there!  And we’d have much cuter babies than the Pred-Alien babies…they drool too much. 

Anyway, so JC and I exchanged Christmas gifts as well.  He got me a gift card to the NFL shop, a gift card to Nike, this umbrella thing that is actually really cool – folds down to the size of a sunglasses case.  That one, I might actually use since I’ve never used an umbrella in my whole life!  Then, for safety purposes, and because I did mention this in passing, he got me a fire extinguisher and a smoke detector for my kitchen.  I have smoke detectors in the living room, one in and right outside of each bedroom, but not one in the kitchen.   

The funniest part of the whole thing is on the smoke detector is says, “JUST LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN FIREFIGHTER 24 HOURS A DAY!”  Um yeah, I thought I had that.  And I kind of did – when he wasn’t cheating on me.  I guess now I have it for real – I just never thought JC would give it to me this way.  And somehow I just don’t think it’ll keep me warm at night or tell me it loves me and would never hurt me.  But instead, I guess I just have to trust that it’ll protect me if it needs to and that’s all it knows how to do. 

By the way, and this is totally random…Cinnamon Crunch bagel with hazelnut spread from Panera TOTALLY ROCKS.  It was my turn to bring breakfast for my department and that’s what I chose – GREAT CHOICE. 

Anyway, stay tuned for my next post as it’ll be my goals for the new year…yikes.

Remember all those games we used to play when we were kids?  I was out after-Christmas shopping yesterday and I ran across a few of my favorites.  And then I realized that all of these games have lessons in them – I got sad when I realized how much I miss the simplicity. 

Monopoly – How to manage your money while attaining properties that will earn you more money.  Oh, if we could all just pay cash for our houses, not have phone bills, heating bills or car payments, and just collect money when someone stays with us.  And where is “GO” in real life, why have I not passed it and where did I miss collecting my $200?

Sorry – Wouldn’t it be much nicer if people in real life would apologize when they kick you off the board?

Life – I remember playing this with my brother and trying to obtain as many children as possible.  I’d have 6 kids – 2 of them sticking out the sunroof – and I was thrilled as can be.  Of course, the kids happened if you landed on the right spot on the board.  And that was only after you automatically stopped at the chapel – you didn’t have a choice, you had to stop there and pick up your husband.  There was no search for Mr. Right – he was there waiting for you when you got to that place in the game, no matter what.  Oh, if it were THAT easy.

Connect Four – I’m just trying to get my pieces in a row and there’s always someone there trying to block me.  Oh, hey, just like real life!

Chutes and Ladders – You climb up, you slide down, you climb up, you slide down.  But if you play long enough, you get to the top, and until you do, you keep playing.

M.A.S.H. – Not so much a board game, but a game no less.  Your chances of having a really kick-ass husband, car, kids and job were 1 in 4.  And you may have lived in a shack and driven a Lamborghini with 10 kids, but you were married and we knew we could deal with whatever we had – after having a good laugh about it, of course. 

So there you have it – the similarities between these games and life.  Oh, if I would’ve known back then what I know now.  I would’ve cherished owning Boardwalk and stopping at the chapel and getting a $1k gift when my pick or blue stick-child was born.  I would’ve given more thought to my 4 choices for a husband, but been grateful that there was one out there for me.  I would’ve understood that climbing the big ladder didn’t always mean you were going to win, and that even though someone blocked your row of four, there was a chance you could still make a column or a diagonal.   

Mostly, I would’ve been thankful that if I didn’t like the outcome of one game, we could go another round and start all over.  I didn’t have to be serious because there was always another chance to change the outcome.  I may not be able to call a do-over for the past 31 years, but I suppose my future could turn out to be anything…I just hope going forward, the dice will land right for me. 

I love my sister – she gives the best gifts ever.  Happy Holidays!

I’ve been talking to the blind date guy.  He makes me laugh, which earns him BIG bonus points!  And turns out I knew his older brother in high school – and he was HOT, so little brother couldn’t be so bad, right?  I haven’t actually met him yet – we’ve just been talking.  He hasn’t mentioned getting together yet and I found out that’s because he’s concerned about our schedules.  He’s working 60 hours a week – not getting out of work until 7:30pm.  I go to work at 5am, so evenings are pretty much out.  So basically if we can’t schedule a time to meet for the first time, what would make us think that we’d be able to make a relationship work?  Or is it that when the relationship happens, you manage to make time to make it work?   

The other thing I’m a little nervous about is his size.  No, not THAT size.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  JC is 6’1”, 250, so I’m used to big guys.  This dude is 5’11”, 260 with 28” thighs.  That’s a big boy.  I’m not sure why that weirds me out a little, but it does.  I mean, on paper, this guy looks good – doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, owns his townhouse, has a good job, seems nice, is hysterical, etc.  Or maybe it’s me just looking for flaws and trying to sabotage.  Very possible, I suppose.  Oh well, the way I figure is that if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen no matter how much I try to sabotage.  It’ll be so powerful that I won’t be able to see it any other way!  And in the meantime, I have no expectations – it is what it is.   

On  that note, Merry Christmas Eve.  Even though I have no tree and no Christmas decorations and I seem to be quite a bit of a grinch this year, I’m still hoping Santa remembers me in his journey tonight.  And even moreso, I hope the Predator kicks alien ass and in the process, rocks my world tomorrow!  Hey Predator – grrr.  *wink, wink* 

I got old.  New Edition is celebrating their 25^th anniversary next year.  There’s no way Cool It Now came out THAT long ago, because there’s no way I could possibly be that old.  But I am.  I’m 31 years old.  6 years older than my oldest cousin.  Thank God none of them are married or have kids because that might be just like getting hit by a bus and then having the bus driver back over you again just to see what he hit. 

Most of my cousins are in relationships.  Even my brother has a new girlfriend – a tree hugger just like him.  And it seems they could be together for a long time.  My oldest male cousin is essentially living with this girl.  My next oldest male cousin has been dating his girlfriend for well over a year and they’ve already traveled to China and are going to Europe next summer.  Sounds like good times.  And then they were talking about how their parents are paying rent for them.  Okay, my mom never did that.  Yet, somehow my brother is going to India next summer…working part-time making $8 an hour.  Oh, and rather than come home for Christmas, he’s going to his girlfriend’s parents house.  They’ve been dating for a month.  Nice. 

So I would ask why I’m in this situation, but I know that I should just trust that there’s a reason.  Still, I’m going to say this out loud because it’s how I feel…it’s just not fair.  It’s not fair that I’ve busted my butt to work in an industry that I don’t love just because it pays well and I can support myself.  It’s not fair that they all seem to make relationships look easy and that they are able to find someone right when they want to.  It’s just not fair that I’m the oldest and should be in a secure relationship with kids on the way.  My kids should be babysitting their kids someday.  It’s just not fair. 

In saying that, I recognize that these aren’t things I can change.  All I can do is do the best I can with what I’ve got.  And I’m trying.  I’m trying my hardest.  So what happens when my hardest try isn’t enough to make things happen?  I can’t get to the Olympics training in the kiddie pool – no matter how hard I kick.  And I just don’t know what to do about that.

Fritz and Dwi are my newest matches on e.harmony.  Fritz is a roofer and is very “spontainious”.  He likes his “marg time” by the pool.  Um, I’ve heard of margaritas by the pool, but “marg time” – someone may need an AA meeting?  Dwi is in law enforcement and I somehow wonder if his name really translates to D.W.A.I. or D.U.I.  Then there’s Hai – he looks like a direct decent of Buddha.  And Keldrick…he’s likes showing “effection” towards his partner.  That sounds like something you’d want to see a doctor for.  “Doctor, I don’t know what happened – I got effection from my partner and now I’m having trouble sleeping.” 

Those are just today’s matches.  So you wonder why I’m not going to renew my e.harmony subscription?!?!?  I’m just tired of weeding through these profiles, not finding one person I’d be interested in even having the slightest bit of a conversation with.   

Then there’s Mike.  He works with this girl I know.  5’11”, loves sports and has quite the sense of humor.  BUT, I haven’t seen what he looks like yet, which got me thinking.  I don’t think my friend would set me up with a nasty, but I don’t really know her that well! 

So I’m automatically deleting all these guys on e.harmony, but I’ll talk to this real life guy, even though I don’t know what he looks like – and after I see him, it could just be a deal breaker.  I think I’m a snob against ugly people!!  It’s not that I think they shouldn’t exist, it’s just that I don’t want to go on a date with them and I sure as hell don’t want them in my bed.  I know ugly people need love too, they’re just not likely going to get it from me.  Is that awful?!?!?

I’m feeling much, much better and have restored a positive outlook on life!  Before you think I’m bi-polar, hear me out about why my attitude changed.  I keep hearing that everything happens for a reason, and I’m starting to see examples of that.  Saturday night, I talked to JC – he invites me to the Broncos game on Sunday – it’s 20 degrees outside, so I’m thinking I’d BETTER get some decent gloves.  It was cold and snowy and I didn’t really want to venture out, but I figured it was better to go Saturday than wait until Sunday.  Because I went out, I also had the opportunity to check my mail.  That, too, was going to wait until Sunday, but I’m SOOO glad it didn’t!!  And it didn’t because I had to go buy gloves – all for a reason.  (The fact that I ended up with gloves, wool socks, a thermal base layer – in pink camouflage, and a new jacket was beside the point!) 

I had pre-ordered a video entitled “You Can Heal Your Life” and that’s what was in my mailbox Saturday.  I watched it that night and it’s like a weight was lifted off my shoulders!!  This video rocks so much more than The Secret because it doesn’t just tell you that you can have whatever you want by wishing it to be, it tells you how and why.  Mostly what I took from it is that we really are very cruel to ourselves.  The voice inside our heads, for the most part, is an evil monster.  No wonder most people have low self-esteem – they are constantly hearing how horrible they are from the person who matters most!! 

So I’ve shut my voice up.  Instead of looking in the mirror and thinking how tired I look, I check out the mirror and tell myself how gorgeous I am.  Instead of focusing on that spare tire around my middle, I flex my arm and notice that my bicep is much more defined.  Welcome to the gun show, baby.  And more than anything, I remind myself how much I love me and my life.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I deserve credit for that.  So what if I’m not “there” yet?  Who defines “there” anyway?  I am in the perfect place for me – the perfect place where I need to be – with all the potential in the world!!   

As you can tell, my attitude has changed.  And since it has, I’m more aware of the effect it has on people around me.  People smile at me and say hi, like they’re happy to see me!  Maybe that’s because I’ve already started walking with my head a little higher, so it’s difficult NOT to notice me.  At least this way, it’ll be easier for the right guy to notice me too – and whichever guy I choose to give my heart too, he really is one lucky fella!

Build a fence around your heart, not a wall.

Allow others to see but not readily touch.

Let them approach and behold, To consider its beauty and decide if they can answer its invitation…

Should they walk away, remember the value of the property has not decreased…

I have a new theory – and with the funk I’ve been in, anything new is a step forward.  My theory is this:  sometimes we complain and sometimes we ask for help – and those are two completely different things, although they may sound the same.  Complaining is just noise.  When we are complaining, we don’t want people to offer solutions, we don’t want a more positive outlook, we are stuck in the negative thinking and are letting it ooze out of our mouths.  (Picture the Exorcist girl drooling green pea soup.) 

But then there are times that we are asking for help.  The words may sound the same as when we complain and there may not actually be a request for help, but we really do want the suggestions and we want someone to take our hand and show us which direction to go.   

Up to this point, I’ve just been complaining.  I’ve shot down every suggestion anyone has made, with an excuse about why it won’t work.  I’ve wallowed in my aloneness and haven’t been open to even letting people in…which, of course, guarantees more aloneness.  Well, that’s just dumb.  And wouldn’t it be easier if we could just ask for help too, instead of making it sound like complaining and hope the other person knows what we need?  Communicating 101.  I’m so in the bottom of the remedial class. 

I just read something that I thought was interesting too.  When you ask the Universe (or God or whoever) for something, there are three possible answers:  Yes.  Not yet.  Or – I have something better in mind (which is essentially a No.)  I just wish it were clear and immediate about what the answer would be!  So here, I go.  

Okay, Universe.  You and I have had some tough times lately.  I know a lot of it has been my fault because I’ve been questioning and resisting, so at this moment, I’m letting that go.  I’m ready for you to show me what amazing things the world has in store for me – along with one small request.  And you are the Universe, so this shouldn’t be too hard to accommodate.  I want to be in a HEALTHY relationship with a WONDERFUL man who TRULY loves me and who I TRULY love in return.  I’ve emphasized a few words there for your convenience.  I know sometimes I’m a little slow in recognizing things for what they are, so when this man crosses my path, feel free to smack me upside the head a little (but don’t do it too hard to where I get more brain damage than I already have.  Unless of course this wonderful guy happens to be a doctor and I need the smack upside the head to meet him, then that’s okay.)  Anyway, do what you do best and know that I’m ready to open my heart to some REALLY good things.  Do your thang. 

Love Always (well, most of the time),  

NFL