Zits are a weird thing.  I just found a random one – almost at my jawline, right below my ear.  Apparently I have a large accumulation of oil right there, so a zit forms.  But zits are like negative attitudes…you can try to hide them beneath the surface, but it’s just going to get bigger and redder until it finally bursts into a mess of puss.  Of course it gets worse if you give it attention – picking at it, trying to make it go away, when really, if you just ignore it and go on about your business, it’ll go away on it’s own.  A few days later, it’s healed and you get back to normal.  So I really just have to figure out how to keep the negative attitude from forming in the first place.  Wash my face, keep my thoughts clean.  Don’t touch my face, don’t touch painful memories.  Oh, if it were only as easy as picking up some Clear.asil. 

I am feeling much better though.  The PMS is gracefully leaving the building and I’ve started a new exercise program.  I joined Cur.ves and made a one-year commitment.  During their 3-week Fitness Study, I lost 3 inches, so I figure by this time next year, I will have lost 52 inches.  Nice.  My plan is to go 3 to 4 times per week – and I’ve been scheduling workouts on my calendar, which seems to help.  Now I just have to stop eating Mint M&Ms and we’re good to go.  (Similar to the Cad.bury Eggs, throughout history Mint M&Ms have been used for their therapeutic qualities.) 

That brings me to the topic of the holiday season.  Christmas alone sucks.  I don’t want to put up my 12-foot Christmas tree.  I don’t want to see one lone stocking hanging on my fireplace.  And I sure as hell don’t want to go to family events alone.  I usually write a Christmas letter updating everyone on the year’s events, but you know, the Postal Service can kiss my a$$ because I don’t even know that I’m sending Christmas cards at all. 

Maybe something good will happen to make my heart grow three sizes Christmas Day.  Maybe the sounds of Christmas carols from my neighbors in Whoville will make me drop my scowl.  Or just maybe I’ll decide to hibernate from Christmas Eve to the morning of the 26^th and that’s when I’ll venture out to find spectacular sales on Mint M&Ms.  And it’s then that I will find my true happiness.

Last week was rough.  My sister and her family were in town and between the boys fighting, constant entertaining and seeing my sister interact with her husband, I was drained.  Seeing reminders of what you’re missing is never a fun thing, even if it’s siblings fighting…and it’s even worse when family members can’t understand why I’m alone either.   

This morning, it hit me that I’ve given up hope.  If hope is the feeling you have when you know the feeling you have won’t last forever, then I’ve definitely given up hope.  Well, wait, maybe that’s not true.  I still have hope that maybe one day it won’t matter to me that I’m alone.  Maybe one day it won’t matter that I’m the one who has to figure out how to change the battery in my smoke detector on my 20-foot ceilings.  It won’t matter that I’m the one who has to clean the house, pay the bills or warm myself up on cold winter nights.  It won’t matter that I don’t even want to send Christmas cards this year because I’ve got nothing good to talk about in my Christmas letter.  It won’t matter that I’ve got no one to enjoy my Christmas tree, and maybe next year, I’ll put it up anyway.  But not this year – having one stocking hanging on the fireplace is just a constant reminder of the aloneness I feel and I’m remembering that just fine without visual cues too.  And maybe one day I won’t feel so bad for never giving my mom grandkids to enjoy.   

But do I have hope that I’ll actually find a good man who genuinely loves me and wants to be with me?  No.  That’s gone.  I’ve tried to expand my criteria for what I’m looking for and that hasn’t worked.  I’ve tried to expand the places I’m looking and that hasn’t worked.  I’ve tried to not look at all and just let it happen and that hasn’t worked.  So I’ve got nothing.  I go home to an empty house every night.  I crawl in bed alone and wake up alone – if I even sleep at all. 

I was talking to my sister because now it seems I’m always cold.  I don’t remember being like this last year when I had someone to cuddle with, but I guess it’s where I’m now.  I made a comment about “Cold hands, cold heart.”  She didn’t agree.  In fact, she thought that possibly my heart was too big, but then, in a verbal moment of reflection, she said she didn’t understand how that could happen – how having a big heart could be a bad thing.  Apparently, it is though. 

So I could go on and on about how life sucks and how alone I truly am in life, but that’s not a great way to start a Monday, so I’ll just shut up for now.  My mom always told me that if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.  So take that as a warning – it might be some time before I’m able to post here again because I really have nothing good to say… 

My horoscope today says:  “You can’t talk yourself out of a feeling, no matter how hard you try or how well organized your debates are.”  Ain’t that the truth?  No matter how much my head tells my heart to feel differently, it just doesn’t listen!  That’s so rude.   

I was supposed to have a second date with the Engineer last night, but I was tired and didn’t really feel like going out with him.  So, I canceled.  I left him a message, he never called me back.  Oh well, his loss – NEXT! 

The e.harmony thing isn’t all the commercials say it is.  Not yet anyway – I know it only takes one, but still, the matches I’ve been getting are just scary.  I don’t get why they think I’m compatible with someone who is 5’4”, loves camping and nature and thinks his greatest asset is his “since of humor”.  Since?  Are you retarded?  THAT is what you have to offer?  And these are MATCHES for me?  Short, retarded hippies???  No wonder I haven’t found a guy! 

Oh, and JC booked a cruise, which I’m actually shocked he told me.  It’s at the beginning of December, 4 days out of Long Beach on a ship about half the size of the ones we were on.  I think he hits Catalina Island and Ensenada, but I also think that’s the same cruise my sister took – she hated the ship, hated the food and may be tainted against cruising forever.  So that makes me laugh because JC’s gonna realize how good he had it with me.  Plus, his destinations are far from the sites we saw.  Maybe he’ll get to go on that Blow Hole Tour in Ensenada.  Ha ha.  Have a good time, JC!  Punk.

My aunt always told me that I needed to give a guy three dates if I wasn’t sure if there was chemistry with him – just to be sure.  Some guys you know he’s not it even before you meet him.  Some guys you know you want just by seeing him across the room.  Then there’s a gray area.  The Engineer is in the gray area.  We had a drink on Monday – had good conversation, talked, laughed, watched football – yet, I don’t know that there was a spark.  I think he liked me though, which makes it a little more complicated.  Anyway, so three dates – we’re getting together again on Sunday.  That’s date #2 – he’d better start wowing me now! 

And then of course, I wonder about the reason for the lack of spark.  Maybe he’s just not attractive to me, maybe he’s got some traits that I don’t like, or maybe I’m just trying to find any excuse for him NOT to be right for me.  I’m doing my best to be open to new relationships, but sometimes I think my subconscious mind likes to sneak its own ideas in there.   

I suppose it doesn’t help that I spent some time with JC and his daughter yesterday.  His daughter is growing into this little woman – she’s talking much more and definitely has opinions of her own!  She cuddled with me watching Dora and Happy Feet, then when JC told her it was time to go, she put her hands on my cheeks and said, “You come to my Mommy’s house with me!”  Um yeah, that’d go over REALLY well!  So I told her that I had to work in the morning and she had to go to school and so maybe some other time.  But no, she did it again, mushed my cheeks and said, “Come to my Mommy’s house NOW!”  I’m flattered that she likes me enough to take me home with her, but like I said, probably not such a great idea!   

Regardless of who her mom and dad are, she’s an amazing kid and more than anything, I just hope that I’ve been a positive influence in her life.  I would love to have kids of my own, but the jury is still out on that, so in the meantime, I just hope I can have an effect on the kids who are around me now.  My sister and her family get here in a week and a half and I’m really looking forward to spending some time with my nephews as well.  Kids are amazing.

Keeping yourself busy helps you to avoid all of those things in life that you’re missing.  But sometimes, something will happen that just snaps you back into reality. 

My grandfather will be 90 in June.  My mom was talking about how he’s probably not going to be around for another 10 years, and it could be even as little as 1 or 2 years.  All of a sudden, my heart started racing and reality smacked me in the ass.  I was really hoping that my grandparents would get to meet their great grandchildren.  I’m the oldest cousin by 6 years, so the responsibility to give them great grandchildren pretty much lies with me.  But I’ve managed to make poor choices in choosing a baby’s daddy, so I haven’t been able to do that yet.  And that made me sad.  It made me see that the choices I make don’t just affect me – they affect everyone who loves me too. 

So here we go again.  I talked to the Engineer from e.harmony last night.  He seems really nice on the phone and was very easy to talk to.  He mentioned us getting together for a drink last night, but with the alarm going off at 3:30am this morning, I didn’t think that was a great idea.  So maybe another night this week…that is assuming he doesn’t choose to dump me before we even meet like that last guy!  Yikes.

Bad thoughts have ravaged my mind.  Have you ever seen someone that you’ve dated after not seeing them for a while and wondered what in the hell you were thinking?? 

I saw Justin yesterday – the guy I dated from work.  We work only a few cubicle rows over, but apparently for almost 2 weeks, I’ve successfully avoided him.  Well, I was walking down the hall yesterday and he comes around the corner.  I looked for an office or conference room to duck into, but he’d seen me – it was too late.  I looked at him and immediately thought, WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?   

He’s gained probably 15 pounds – and not in the right areas.  He smokes, which grosses me out.  He’s more insecure than any girl I know.  Always needed reassurance, which gets really annoying.  Plays video games for hours on end, and would rather order take-out and hide in his tiny apartment than go explore the world.  We were soooo not compatible.  And to top it off…here, let me give you a visual.  Make a fist.  Okay, now extend your pinky finger.  Yeah, why did I ever think THAT would be effective? 

So after I said hi and threw up in my mouth a little bit, I went back to my desk and just cringed at the thought of him and me dating.  I know I haven’t made the best relationship decisions, but I thought I was getting better – and HE’s the most recent?!?!  Dang girl, we’ve still got work to do!!