“Life is managed — not controlled.”   

I went to the Broncos game with JC last night –as always, had a great time in spite of the painful loss.  While we’re there, I mention to him that I need to start looking for tickets for my sister and her family while they are visiting over Thanksgiving.  He asks this guy next to us, who is going to look into getting some.  JC tells him we need 4 tickets.  Turns out he’s assuming 4 tickets for my sister and her family, and then he and I will use his tickets.  Then he changes his thinking and says, “Or should we try to get 6 tickets, so WE can all sit TOGETHER?”  

Awkward silence – even with 76,000 people around us.  Enter dramatic music.  Lights dim as I’m perplexed about what to say next.  Camera zooms in to capture my stunned reaction.  “Sure, whatever.  But do you think we’ll be able to find 6 seats together?”  Close curtain.  Idea of sitting together is nixed.   

JC and I are friends.  I’ve dealt with him ripping my heart to shreds and I understand that’s all he knows how to do.  I still care, I still love him and I still have fun with him.  Do I wish he were different?  I would wish that if I thought he could be different, but he is JC and that’s all he knows how to be.  

My family feels differently towards JC.  My family never got the chance to heal because they’re still mad.  They want me to be happy – to be successfully married with kids and to have whatever I want in life.  They haven’t confronted JC and they haven’t told him how disappointed they are, how hurt they are, etc, etc.  He lied to them too.  The first night he professed his love for me is also the same night he promised my sister that he wouldn’t hurt me.  She cried when she told him how I’d been hurt in the past and how she just wants me to be happy.   I

 don’t know what’s going to happen if we go to the game together.  A year ago we would’ve had a great time – and actually, a year ago, we all did have a great time at the Broncos game.  I guess lies and deception just know how to ruin our fun.  Smooth move, JC.

I ate Halloween candy yesterday.  Not just one or three pieces.  Lots and lots of Halloween candy.  Halloween candy for breakfast sounded good – and for dinner too.  But hey, I had a banana with breakfast and some broccoli later, so that has to offset it, right?   That was in addition to the sandwich I had for lunch – doh, and some Wavy Lays too.  The bad part is I really don’t feel so hot today and I know it’s the candy.  Why is it that I have to learn the hard way – instead of just listening to my body in the first place?  Duh!  Oh well, I blame the PMS that will be ravaging my body within the next few days.  And I promise, next time, I’ll eat the vegetables FIRST.  I do have a salad for lunch, along with some spaghetti pie made with zucchini, broccoli and tomatoes, as well as ground turkey.  That’s healthy, right?  My nutritionist would have a coronary if he knew. 

I was talking to my mom this weekend about my dating dilemmas.  I get all kinds of e.harmony matches and I look at their pictures, sometimes throw up in my mouth a little and hit delete.  So I asked her if she thought I was too hung up looks.  What about the engineer that I was looking forward to getting to know?  He sent me more pictures this weekend and my initial reaction was…um, yeah, he’s not so cute anymore!  So I’m not even attracted to him.  My mom asked if I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted – and she further clarified that by saying, “Don’t say JC.”  Funny thing about that is I didn’t think JC was all that cute when I first saw him – I didn’t think he was ugly either, but I gave him a chance and he grew on me. 

I don’t expect that raw Hannibal, Spanish soap opera-like passion with every guy that crosses my path – and it’s probably better that it’s not like that, but still, I’d like to be attracted to the guy I’m with.  I’d like to be attracted to a guy before I go on a first date with him – you know, something to give me a reason for going.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to be said for falling in love with someone’s personality and with their spirit, but damn, why do all have to come in Wal.mart bags instead of boxes from Tiffany???  

I’m very proud of myself right now…last night I was faced with a situation that, in the past, I would’ve reacted very differently.  I would’ve been upset, I would’ve been hurt, and I might’ve put aside my own beliefs to make another person happy, but I was strong, stuck with what I believe and it felt great!!!   

We were supposed to have a blind date, but in nailing down the details of our date, we discovered that we have very different attitudes when it comes to religion.  I believe it’s a personal journey we each go through.  No person’s journey is right and no person’s journey is wrong – it’s all just what we need as individuals.  And people’s needs and beliefs change and adapt as they grow.  Well, according to him, if I don’t read the bible and don’t go to church, I’m wrong.  Being open minded is wrong.  Living a spiritual life daily instead of just making an appearance on Sunday is wrong.  Okay, then.  So we canceled the date for last night and decided that we’d stop it before it started.  I’m okay with that and actually I suggested that we cancel – obviously we’re not compatible and that’s that!  No harm, no foul.  If anything, I’m thankful for the experience – I was able to test myself and I passed with flying colors.  I go girl! Y

eah, I’m still single and yeah, I’ve narrowed down my list of prospects by one more, but he’s just not right for me.  End of story.  Life is good!!  NEXT! 

Just when you think you’ve finally got life and its whole routine figured out, you forget to put on deodorant.  I seem to be distracted by figuring out the purpose of our journey here that I am forgetting the little things.  And now it seems even if I figure out the meaning of life, no one will want to find out because I will be putting off a pungent odor that only a skunk can tolerate. 

Okay, so it’s not that drastic – I don’t stink that much – and I do have “back-up” deodorant in my desk as work for occasions exactly like this.  But the point is, I’m grateful for deodorant and all of the little things life gives us to make our journey more enjoyable.  Three cheers for deodorant!!! 

Yeah, that phenylalanine is treating me really well – who needs anti-depressants?  We all just need a little more phenylalanine in our lives!  (Oh, and a side effect I’ve discovered – my nails are now really long and REALLY strong – no complaints there!) 

I was wrong about JC – he was in Steamboat Springs hunting and fishing with the boys.  But that’s exactly the point – I could’ve gotten all upset because I thought he was doing this or that, when in reality, I didn’t know what he was doing.  I got a text from him on Friday saying that his cell coverage was horrible, but he missed me, oh and “luv ya!”    *rolling my eyes*    

Each day is a step forward as I learn to not get upset over the things I don’t know are for real.  All I can do is enjoy what I have here and now, understanding that things could change in an instant – for the better or for the worse – whether I spend time worrying or not.  And for those times when I am surprised by life’s events, I have back-up deodorant in my desk.

My mom’s proud of me.  She told me that last night and it really meant a lot that she said that.  But you know what?  I’m proud of me too.  After last weekend, I’ve been having this feeling that I’m over JC.  I don’t think about him as often and it’s been refreshing.  Well, of course, that always has to be tested! 

I think he’s traveling.  I didn’t talk to him Wednesday, and when I called him last night, his phone was turned off.  When I was with him, the only time he’d turn his phone off is when we were traveling.  So he could be on a cruise, in Vegas, or anywhere else for that matter.  And that’s okay because it has no effect on my life.  I kind of feel sorry for the girl he’s with because she probably has no clue and is probably living the same fantasy I was, but I can’t do anything to help her.  She’s going to have to figure it out herself. 

I just wonder what he thinks I’m going to say when he calls me after not talking to me for a week, you know?  I could tell him I’m disappointed because I thought we were better friends than that.  I could not say anything, but does it matter?  He’s going to do what he’s going to do and I need to do the same for me!   

And miraculously, I have a date next Thursday.  It’s the blind date guy.  He seems nice, is close with his family, good job, but I don’t know yet if there is chemistry.  And if there isn’t with him, I’m sure there will be with someone else. 

As I was laying in bed last night wondering about JC, not feeling bad or worrying about him, I finally thought, okay, I’m ready for love. India Arie has a song called “Ready For Love” – she puts it best:

I am ready for love,
why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
to be held in your captivity I am ready for love,
all of the joy and the pain
and all the time that it takes
just to stay in your good grace

lately I’ve been thinking maybe you’re not
ready for me,
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
they say watch what you ask for ‘cuz you might receive
but if you ask me tomorrow, I’ll say the same thing

I am ready for love,
would you please lend me your ear
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I’ll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
to a man who loves music
a man who loves art
respect the spirit world and thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
if you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
and do the best that I can

I am ready for love
here with an offering of my voice
my eyes, my soul, my mind
tell me what is enough
to prove I am ready for love

I am ready. 

I heard another line from a song on the way to work…it went like this…”When you dream with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.”  Funny thing is, waking up this morning wasn’t so bad.

“We become what we think about whether we want it or not.”

“It’s not about being better than anyone else, it’s about being better than you used to be.  The only competition here is with your former self.” 

These quotes are from Wayne Dyer’s talk in Denver last night.  As always, he was extremely motivating and promoted peace within for everyone who was there.  Even he claims that he’s not all the way “there” yet, but no matter – he’s changing the world. Dyer talked about how our thinking gets in the way. 

When we are in the womb, we have everything we need, when we are babies, we have everything we need, but somewhere along the way, we try to take over so that WE determine what we need.  If we sit back and let life happen, without resistance, without trying to force it, it’ll happen.  We may think we need a new partner, a new job or to win the lottery, but you know what?  We’re here and we’re doing just fine right in this moment – we have everything we need right at this moment.  If we really need a new partner, that person will show up.  The new job will show up and the money will show up too, without stressing and wishing and hoping from us.  It will just be. 

Related to that, he noted that when we are born, we are flexible – we can suck our toes and we go with the flow.  As we get older, we get more rigid and stubborn and when we die, our bodies become stiff.  Flexibility is life, stiffness is death.  It’s true of everything in nature – look at grass and plants.  They move with the wind when they are alive, they become dry and brittle when they die.  So when we are so set in our goals that we try to force things to happen in a certain way, when we want it, that’s choosing death.  Again, if we stand back and accept the journey we are on and let good things come at will, it’ll happen naturally and better than we can imagine.  We just need to let go of the tight grasp on the control we incorrectly think we have! 

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with some of these concepts, as evidenced by my roller coaster of a blog, but I’m so very different than I was 5 years ago, or even 6 months ago.  And it’s different in a good way, so I’ll take any and all progress I have and I’ll be grateful for it!  Who knows, maybe it’s the new phenylalanine I’m taking.  I’m not sure how the doc knew I needed this based on the systemic activity in my body, but phenylalanine, when combined with certain proteins in the body, turns into the chemical that is present in our brains when we are infatuated or feel love.  It causes that high we feel by the presence or even just the thought of our loved one.  At this point, if the doc thinks I need love in a bottle, I’m all about it! 

So anyway, if we can change our world simply by changing our thoughts, why aren’t we all doing it?  The hard part is the “knowing” part.  Rather than having hope for the future, we have to KNOW that it’s going to turn out the way it’s supposed to.  Having hope is great, but it still leaves room for doubt.  KNOWING is where it’s at.  When you absolutely know something, there’s no room for fear, doubt, worry or failure.  Can you imagine our lives without those things?  We could accomplish ANYTHING! 

Of course our old thinking pattern isn’t just going to go away – it likes where it is.  It knows what to expect (failure) and knows all of its limitations.  So how do we change our knowing into limitless possibilities?  We change our thoughts – one thought at a time – by questioning why we think those things.  For example, let’s say that we fear that a presentation is going to turn out horribly.  First, we ask ourselves – is it true?  Well, we can’t really be sure until it happens, so no.  From there, we ask ourselves – what would my life look like without this thought?  If I didn’t think I was going to fail, who would I be?  Well, I’d be happier, more secure, more confident…and yeah, that’s looks nice.  So turn the thought around so instead of thinking, “My presentation is going to be horrible,” we think, “My presentation will be a success.”  And we can do that process in every aspect of life until we automatically start thinking those more positive, inspiring thoughts. 

I think Robert Downey, Jr. said something about how it’s not the quitting that’s hard – it’s the decision to quit that is the most difficult.  That’s letting go of the past and old patterns, not looking back, but looking forward and not looking down, but looking up.  It’s the decision to do it that is the most difficult first step – and many people choose never to take that first step.  But honestly, that’s the best step I’ve ever taken.

So many men, so little time.  That’s my new mantra.  Some of them are easy to weed out – like the guy on e.harmony who has no sense of smell.  Is that weird?  Not to say that having no sense of smell is a total deal-breaker, but he wasn’t cute either – double whammy.  I suppose there could be good things about missing a sense of smell, like I wouldn’t have to shower for weeks (I couldn’t actually do that), but then he wouldn’t appreciate all my smell-good lotions either.  So yeah, I have to let him go. 

But there are others.  One is an engineer – and he’s black and cute.  Nice.  We are in the early stages of talking, but there’s something about him that makes me want to meet him.  I’m not pushing it and we seem to be taking it slow, but surprisingly that’s worked for some people!   

Then I get a call from one of my friend’s last night.  She just met one of her co-worker’s brothers and I guess for a married woman, she had some impure thoughts.  He helped her carry stuff to her car and according to her, he’s got those eyes that when they look at you, you can’t help but melt and feel like you’re the only woman in the world.  Wow.  So she’s going to hook us up.  She did put a disclaimer on it that he is a white guy, but eh, whatever.  At this point, I don’t really care if he’s purple!  (Except that might mean he’s not breathing, which is definitely a deal-breaker.) 

So J instant messages me this morning.  He’s my ex from work with a little winky.  Oh, I hate to spread that on the internet, but you know.  Look down at your pinky finger.  Yeah, that’s what he’s like.  Horrible of me to say!  Oh well, no guilt what-so-ever.  Anyway, he IMs me and starts asking how I feel about him.  Um, we’re broken up, what does it matter?  I tell him I care about him and want him to be happy.  That’s not good enough.  He goes into this tirade about how he’s fought for me and has been met with resistance, waaa, waaa, waaa.  Funny since he’s the one who broke up with me. 

So I ask him what he expects of me?  He says nothing.  Well, then where’s the problem?  I’m exceeding his expectations all over the place!! I asked him what was really on his mind since there seemed to be something bothering him.  No response.  So now I get the silent treatment.  Yes, folks, we are back in the 4^th grade.  With that, I’m headed off to have a morning snack and get ready for recess.  Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a nice young man on the monkey bars.

I spent the end of last week in Las Vegas enduring quality time with my father, my sister and her family.  And it really wasn’t so bad!  My dad and I even drove down to Arizona one morning.  You would think 2 hours trapped in a car together would make me want to jump off of the Hoover Dam – but we had good conversations – not about anything Earth shattering, but it was good nonetheless.   

My sister did manage to make me cry though.  They are setting up a trust so that if something ever happens to her and her husband, the boys will be taken care of.  She put a disclaimer on it and said she needed to ask me a serious question – Would I want to take the boys if something did happen?  She understands that I want to have a family of my own, but would I be willing to make them a part of my family too?  My answer was ABSOLUTELY! 

Then I started thinking about how big that is – she trusts that I’m going to be good mother – good enough to take her place if she’s no longer around.  That’s incredible to me that she has so much faith in my maternal instincts.   

I did get to spend some time with my nephews as well – and they amaze me too.  The older one is only 10, yet he was telling me all kinds of facts from the Discovery channel about shark attacks and the bite pressure of certain animals.  I was teasing my sister telling her that a gnat was going to pee in her eye (don’t ask me where I came up with that!), but my nephew verified that gnats do, in fact, pee when my sister questioned the capability of a gnat’s bodily activities.  Brilliant kid!   

It was a great weekend…and upon returning, I realized that any feelings I still have for JC are based upon the idea of him and who I wanted him to be.  He’s got flaws – a lot of flaws – and he just really can’t give me what I need.  Even if I’m just picking out a baby’s daddy, I need a man who is going to commit to what he wants.  Whether the guy wants to disappear forever, or be a part of his child’s life, he needs to commit.  JC likes to commit when he feels like it, but not consistently and not taking into consideration anyone else’s feelings.  And that’s who he is.  He’s not right or wrong, he just is.  And that’s okay – but I need more from the man in my life. 

Based on the systemic activity in my body, the nutritionist thinks I’ve got mood swings.  Made me wonder if he’s been reading my blog!  Anyway, they are putting me on another vitamin to help regulate that – and I have to get back on the powder that smells like an outhouse.  Fun! 

I had a conversation with my mom last night about JC.  She asked if I wanted to tell her something – something about us getting back together.  Um, no.  Anyway, I told her that I fully expect him to go on a cruise without telling me and not contact me for a week, while I worry and stress out while he’s off having fun.  Then I told her we still talk everyday.  And to that, she said, “So you still have expectations of him?”  And she’s right.  I do, but I didn’t realize it.  The only expectation I should be having of him is that he’s going to do exactly what he’s going to do.  That’s the only thing that’s guaranteed. 

And then I realized that “hope” really is a bad word because it leads us to expectations that may or may not be fulfilled.  I was listening to my Byron Katie CD from the Vegas seminar on the way to work today.  Someone asked her if she had any hopes and dreams.  She said, no – but if she needed to, she would.  Her comment is based in the belief that the world is in perfect order and we all have exactly what we need right at this moment.  If we need hopes and dreams and that’s what helps us sleep at night, we’ll have them.  If we are satisfied living in the present and trusting that things will work out as they’re supposed to, we don’t need hopes and dreams.  But those are hard things to let go of because sometimes that’s the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning. 

In her process called “The Work”, she asks us to take a look at our beliefs and imagine what kind of life we’d lead without them.  What we believe colors our thoughts which color our attitude which colors our happiness which colors our surroundings.  It’s all a big tapestry that we create.  Negative beliefs make us unhappy.  Negative thoughts make our reality much tougher than it needs to be.  But how do you just let that go?  I guess she never did say that the work was easy.   

So where would I be if I didn’t believe that JC was the love of my life?  Where would I be if I didn’t believe that he’s going to leave the country without telling me?  Where would I be if I didn’t believe that it matters to me if he does? 

If I believed that I was capable of loving that deeply again, I’d be open to it.  If I trusted that JC leads his life and I lead mine – sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t – I wouldn’t worry if I didn’t hear from him for a while.  Who would I be without that worry?  I’d be happier and I’d be more likely to enjoy the moment, which would help me to enjoy my life.   

To go even deeper, where would I be without the belief that I’m not fulfilling my life’s purpose until I have children?  Without that belief, I’d be fulfilling my life’s purpose every freakin’ day.  Wow.  And who would I be if I believed I could truly be happy being single?  I think I’d feel that weight lifted off of my shoulders, jealousy and envy would go away and the happiness would surround me.  That’s crazy.   

I guess the next step is to catch myself when I start thinking negative thoughts.  Awareness is the first step, replacement is the second.  Sometimes replacing those negative thoughts makes you feel like you’re lying to yourself, but really you’re just lying to that part of you that has kept you in the trenches, that part that hides happiness from you and that part that won’t let you just live.  I guess in this case, lying is a good thing.  I don’t want that part of me to win anymore.  Like the quote said – I’m not here to watch the game.  I brought my Nikes and I’m here to play!

First off, let me say that I’m not having a good day.  I did something last night that I thought would free me, but it didn’t and now I’m struggling with it all over again.  I gave JC his stuff back.  It’s been 7 months, you’d think it was time.  He now has his passport.  He’s free to take cruises and go to all of those other places we talked about traveling to – but with other women.  In the back of my mind, I do think he’s got something scheduled…otherwise, why would he worry about needing his passport now?  But I don’t know. 

We spent the day together yesterday – went to the sorry excuse of a Broncos game, then went to dinner and finally back to my house to watch the end of the Sunday night game where we sat on the couch and I fell asleep on his shoulder.  And right then, everything was perfect.  We laughed, teased each other and had a fun day. But then we woke up and he had to go, but not before asking me for his box of stuff.  Why do we always have to wake up? 

So today, I bit the bullet and signed up on e.harmony.  The first guy I chose to talk to isn’t spectacular looking, he is really muscular, and of course he’s a firefighter in Vegas.  I figured I’d start slow – just talking to people and I’m not necessarily looking for a long-distance relationship so I figured he was “safe”.  Well, get this.  He works at a firehouse that JC and I visited when we were out there.  It’s on an Air Force Base and I totally wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve met this guy already.  Great. 

The question becomes, what came first, the chicken or the egg?  Does my life seem to point back to JC on its own or am I choosing things that point back to JC?  Choosing a firefighter to talk to probably wasn’t the best idea, but I did like what he had to say in his profile. 

The moral of the story is, JC doesn’t want me.  I know this in my heart and I know this in my head, but for whatever reason, I still love him and it sucks.   This is all further complicated by his actions.  I may have to travel to NYC for work.  His brother lives there and he’s been talking about visiting.  I told him I was nervous to go there by myself because the city just seems so overwhelming.  He offered to go with me.  I was shocked and didn’t know what to say.  So my head starts swimming with questions – wait a minute, what does that mean?  How would it be?  Could we stay in the same room – with separate beds? 

Then I start remembering how much I loved traveling with him.  When I was nervous, he made me feel safe.  When I got anxious, he made me laugh.  And even if we were facing being stuck in a random city for the night, I wanted to be there because he was there with me.  I don’t know if I have to go to NYC and I don’t know if I’ll let him come with me.  I’m just going to put that on the shelf for today and deal with it another day.  There are too many unknowns for me to stress out about it now. 

The following is a random assortment of really good quotes that I happened to come across today.  There are no coincidences – maybe I should listen. 

“I refuse to accept seats on the 50-yard line of life.  I brought my shoes.  I came to play.” 

“I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become.” 

“We have no more right to put our discordant states of mind into the lives of those around us and rob them of their sunshine and brightness than we have to enter their houses and steal their silverware.” 

I promise I’m not stealing silverware.  This feeling will pass, I’m sure.  Sooner rather than later would work really well for me though.