After much doubt and hemming and hawing, I ended up going to the Social Networking event.  There were only 3 people there when I arrived, so that made for some awkward moments, but eventually a few more showed up and I ended up having a decent time.  I was out of my comfort zone, but if I started having doubts, I reminded myself that these people didn’t know of my insecurities and as far as they knew, I am young and confident with the whole world at my fingertips.   

One of the guys kept making me laugh and I realized what an attractive trait that is.  He was probably 6’2”, 135 (dripping wet), but somehow I was strangely attracted to him because of his sense of humor.  We played Gui.tar Hero and I kicked some booty!  Most people were getting 20-30% when they first tried.  My first try netted 76%.  Apparently I’m a rock star at heart. 

And for you Jen – there was an Asian guy there who couldn’t have stood more than 5’2”.  That’s as close to the Asian Midget goal as I could come last night.  Ha ha! 

Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll ever see any of these people again, but more than anything I’m proud of myself for going.  In trying new things, the only limitations I have are those in my mind. 

So tomorrow, I go to another BBQ where I know one person, but there is potential for me to meet many more – including this Brian guy who still hasn’t called me/emailed me.  Oh well, if he is to have a presence in my life, he’ll show up when it’s time.  And if not, there is a whole world full of men out there waiting for me to meet!

I did 50 minutes on the Elliptical last night – and why you ask?  Two episodes of I Propose.  And I cried during both.  These guys were so sweet and so obviously in love that they were willing to do whatever it took to make their ladies feel special.  I do hope one day someone will feel that way about me and surprise me like that, but in the meantime, I’ve got a busy schedule!  No time for proposals! 

I’m supposed to go to the Social Networking get-together tomorrow night.  I say “supposed to” because I’m nervous and am on the fence about if I’m going or not.  I just realized that if I go, I have to bring something too, so we’ll see if I can still muster up the courage. 

Then come to find out, one of my ex-coworkers is having an end of the summer BBQ on Saturday.  In looking at the e.vite, he invited over 100 people.  So I definitely need to stop by there – at least I know the host so I’ll know one person!  In addition, he wants to set up a blind date for me and this guy Brian.  Brian is a white guy from a small town in Texas – not necessarily my “type”, but I’m open to at least meeting him.  He’s going to have my number and email address before Saturday, so we’ll see if he makes a move. 

And I’m still debated on e.harmony, but I am seeing things that make me think I should do it.  I saw 2 commercials for it last night.  On one of the message boards I frequent, someone made a reference to it this morning, saying one of her friend’s met someone and may just marry the guy.  Then another guy responded saying that’s where he had met his current girlfriend too.  I just keep seeing e.harmony references. 

So I’m thinking I will sign up in the next few days – maybe after I have my blind date.  Although I could count on Murphy’s Law and know that if I sign up before, I’m all but guaranteed to meet someone at one of these get-togethers!!   I guess that brings up the age-old question.  Am I ready?  I’ll never know till I try!!

I’m anxious.  I just have an uneasy feeling inside me and I want it to go away.  I don’t know if it’s because I have a busy month coming up, I don’t know if it’s because I have friends going through very difficult situations or if it’s because I’ve realize how uncertain the future really is.  Maybe it’s money related, maybe it’s JC related, maybe it’s related to the crappy winter weather outside or maybe it’s just the full moon tomorrow night. Whatever it is, I want it to go away and I’m trying to figure a way to force it to go away.  Ignoring it isn’t working, so I’m thinking the only way is to face it head on, which means figuring out the reason for this feeling.  So I’ll dive down deep into my heart and mind and I’ll let you know what I find. 

While I’m working on that, I’m contemplating something else.  I’m thinking about joining e.harmony.  That’s one site I’ve never been on and it’s not cheap, so you figure the people who are there, REALLY want to be there.  And I suppose that’s my struggle – do I really want to be there?  I’ve done their personality test and basically I so middle of the road that I could be compatible with anyone, which is why they send me new matches everyday.  There are few whose profiles have caught my eye, but of course you can’t see pictures until you sign up.  Most are white guys, but at this point, if I’m attracted to him and he treats me right, I’ll take a freakin’ Eskimo if I have to.  **Disclaimer:  I have nothing against Eskimos.  We just don’t run across many in these parts. 

But if I’m going to spend that much money (I’m thinking I’ll sign up for 3 months), I need to be at least 80% sure that I’m ready for what I might find.  That means letting go of the past and not letting it infect my present.  That means I may not be able to spend time with JC anymore.  But that also means I might find someone better for me, someone who I feel MORE strongly for (as hard as that is to imagine) and someone who is my future.  Looks like I’ve got some reflecting to do and some decisions to make in order to move forward. 

I also know that I don’t want to make a final decision about e.harmony until after Thursday.  I’m going to a party at this guy’s house – where I know no one.  I’m nervous.  But I have to keep reminding myself that these people don’t know me and I can be whoever I want!  I’m looking at it as a six degrees of separation opportunity.  These people may know someone who knows someone who is the right person for me.  Or, they may want to get involved in my new business, so I have to be prepared for anything – either a date or a business opportunity.  Either way, it just seems there is a lot of uncertainty about where I’ll be, even at this time next week.  That should be exciting as my whole life could change – yet, I’m uneasy.

So here’s a topic that I don’t think I’ve directly addressed here before.  I want to have kids.  To me, that’s always been the most important thing in life – regardless of if I’m in a relationship or not, I want kids.  Whether they come by a husband, a one-night stand or a clinic, I want kids.  I bought a 3-bedroom house so that I’d have room for kids.  I have toys in my basement for my kids.  I have a box of baby clothes that I’ve accumulated throughout the years for my babies.  Yet, I don’t see any babies in this belly. 

I was just reading a blog about a single woman who is 34yrs old and had an unsuccessful in vitro with donor sperm.  They take another look – her eggs don’t look that great and if they tried again, they’re giving her a 10% chance of a successful procedure.  Dang.  So now she’s probably going to use her sister’s egg with donor sperm – there seems to always be a solution.   

So I look at my situation.  I’m 31, don’t know if I can have kids and have no clue who the baby’s daddy will be.  I’m not ready to chalk that up as a failure though because I just don’t know anything yet.  And really, even if I don’t have kids, I’m starting to believe that will be okay.  There’s a reason for it.  Who knows – if I force something that’s not necessarily supposed to happen, you never know where we’ll end up.  Once again, I’m not stressing about how the future will unfold, I just trust that it will when I’m ready. 

I’ve watched my friends fall in love, get married and now I’m watching them have babies.  (Okay, not literally – I love Discovery channel, but it’s not like that!)  Does that make me want to have those experiences?  Of course, but I’ve always wanted to have those experiences, regardless of what the people around me are doing.  So does it change anything for me?  Not really.  To be honest, a year ago, I would’ve been jealous and it almost feels weird not to be now.  But with all of the changes I’ve made to my outlook over the past year, I understand how their experiences and happiness in fulfilling their dreams has nothing to do with my life experiences.  If anything, it enhances my experience because I’ll get to meet those little ones and get to be a part of their lives too!!     

They say that if you keep doing the same thing while expecting different results, that’s insanity.  And I do think that’s true of most things – if one thing isn’t working, you have to try something else, whether it’s an action or an attitude.  Typically, I’m not someone who likes to go places by myself…especially not to social events!  I’ve never been to a movie alone and I can count the number of times I’ve eaten alone at a fast food restaurant on one hand.  Never at a sit down place!  Oh, the horror!  Anyway, so I have RSVP’d to go to a social networking group function next week ALONE.  It’s at this guy’s house and there will probably be up to 30 people there – mostly women, but a few men.  I’m forcing myself to mingle – can’t say I’ve ever been much of a mingler though, so this is all new for me!  Scary, but it’s definitely not insanity! 

This is really refreshing, but overall, I’m truly at peace with where I am in my life.  By no means have I experienced everything I want, but I’m okay with my position.  I have a great family, really cool friends, a good job (or 2), a nice house and unlimited potential.  What more could I ask for?   I’m even at peace with my relationship with JC.  We talked last night about his relationship with his dad and why he’s still angry with him now.  For the first time, he said “I’m 36 years old, maybe I just need to let it go.”  Wow.  Gee, JC, is that personal growth sneaking up on you???  I’m proud of him though – maybe one day he’ll find what he’s looking for and be at peace with himself too.  Actually, I wish that for everyone – peace, love and sanity!!

Did you know that not all colors of brown match?  Apparently I got dressed in the dark this morning and TOTALLY don’t match.  Oh well.  Nothing I can do now but pretend it was on purpose!  And if people don’t like it, then they just don’t have to even look at me! 

The Intuitive class was last night and once again, I swear she was speaking directly to me.  The topic was how to surrender control to create the life you want.  Me?  A control freak?  Whatever!  She talked about how fears, ideas and beliefs cause us to want to control situations when in reality, if we just let go and trust that we’ll be okay, things usually turn out better and easier than we can imagine. 

She told a story about how these hunters used to catch monkeys.  They’d clear out a coconut and drill a hole in it just about the size of the monkey’s hand.  They’d tie it to a tree and on the other side of the coconut, they’d have a piece of fruit.  The monkey would see the fruit and stick its hand through the coconut.  Obviously, he can’t pull the fruit through the small hole, but the monkey would stand there struggling, not giving up.  He sees the hunters coming and knows he will get caught, but he wants that fruit so badly that he can’t think of anything else.  If he would just let go of that fruit and run from the hunters, he’d realize there’s a whole tree of fruit just around the corner.  

We did an exercise about what fears (AKA False Events Appearing Real), ideas and beliefs we want to release from our lives.  Of course, mine were related to relationships and JC.  I release the fear that I will never feel the same about someone else as I did about JC.  I release the idea that I’ll never have a successful relationship and I release the belief that relationships have to be a struggle.  And I move forward without resistance.  With the release of these ideas, you have to be willing to do things differently and try new approaches, without holding on to your preconceived vacuum packed idea of how things will look and how they’ll happen.  Okay, I’m open! 

I feel like I’ve been able to do that with financial concerns.  I used to be so stressed about how I was going to pay my bills, but now it seems that I’ve let it go.  I trust that when it’s time to pay the bills, I’ll have money to pay.  By no means am I rich or financially secure yet, but month by month, I’m getting closer and closer.  In this new business venture, I had to spend some money upfront to get it set up.  If I was where I was a few months ago, I wouldn’t have taken the risk, but I did and it’s moving forward on its own, which is amazing!  So relationships are next.  I’m not worrying, I’m not pushing, I’m just letting be and seeing what many options the world presents to me.   

The other thing I’m learning is that I always have a choice.  Even when you don’t think you do, you always do.  So if the world presents you something that doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to take it.  You can pass right then and opt to take the next option or the next option – it’s up to you!  It’s like a buffet – just pick and choose what you want, in small or large portions, but also know if you choose too much of something that’s not the best thing for you, you might feel sick the next day. 

I had a very interesting weekend.  Friday night I went home and hung out by myself and it felt great – I did absolutely nothing and it was good for me.  I was supposed to go on a date, but the more I thought about this guy, the more I realized I wasn’t really interested.  Rather than forcing myself to get out there whether I had fun or not, I went with my gut and stayed home! 

So Saturday was the Firefighter Memorial in Colorado Springs.  It had crossed my mind to go down there, but then I thought maybe JC would have someone else there and that could be awkward.  I had decided not to go – until he text messaged me and invited me down.  So I went.  JC and many other big, strong men cried when they presented the flag to the families and all of a sudden it made life real.  Once again, we don’t know if we’ll make it to tomorrow, so why not live today?  In the end, I was glad I had the opportunity to go. 

Then Sunday, I get a call from JC asking me what time he thinks we should go to the Broncos game.  Up until that point, I wasn’t really sure if I was going as we hadn’t talked about it – other than when I so boldly asked if his girlfriend would let me go.  We had a great time too – even tailgated with his family.  We tossed around the football, we teased each other, we laughed, we shared nachos, we cheered, and then we went and had dinner – and I had a great time!   

While we were at the game, my drunk sister called to harass me about the Broncos performance on the field.  I told her I was at the game with JC, to which she responded, “Bad girl!”  Bad girl?  Why?  Have I killed anyone?  No.  Have I hurt anyone’s feelings?  No.  Did I have a great game experience and am I glad I went?  Yeah.  So why is it bad – and who is she to judge that?  I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, but what if going to the game made me happy, regardless of who I was with?  I understand that my choices indirectly influence her because if I choose to never have children, she will miss out on being an aunt.  If I don’t ever get married, she’ll never be a bridesmaid.  If I make a choice that ultimately makes me unhappy, she may have to hear me cry about it. 

But whatever choice, I make (and I do always have a choice), it’s up to me. Just like I have a choice as to what JC’s role in my life will be, I also have a choice whether I internalize her opinions, recommendations and/or judgments.  I’m practicing becoming more in tune with why I feel the way I feel about how things that happen in my life.  I know when I’ve done something that doesn’t make me feel good.  And I know when I do feel good about what I’m doing.  I had a great weekend, everything was as it should have been, and I look forward to another week of making decisions JUST FOR ME.

Listening to another one of my Vegas CD’s on the way to work proved to be extremely enlightening at 4:30am.  Enlightening is all relative because when I’m rolling out of bed at 3:56am, toothpaste is enlightening.  Seriously though, I think this CD really had something beneficial to say – I may have to listen again this afternoon when I’m actually awake just to be sure, but you know.  

Here’s what it said:  We typically make decisions based on two different internal influences.  Emotions vs. intellect – AKA heart or head.  When we make decisions based on emotions, it stems from our past.  Wanting to feel the same as we did before or protecting ourselves from never feeling the same again.  Using our intellect, we are thinking about what will be best for us in the future.  What is the most logical way to get to our desired end result?  Point A to Point B.  Simple and logical.   

Both our emotions and our intellect are selfishly motivated though.  We don’t want to be hurt, we want to be right.  We want to feel good about ourselves as determined by that measurable scale created either externally or internally, yet deemed important in our minds.  “When I was younger, I was beautiful.”  “When I’m rich, I’ll be happy.” 

BUT (and here’s the kicker), all we have is the present.  We have this moment.  There is no guarantee that we will get a tomorrow and, if we do, circumstances may have completely changed anyway.  We can’t change the past as it’s over and done with, so why focus on that?  We need to focus on what’s here and now.  So what part of us rules the present?  It’s our spirit.  Let your spirit be your guide.  Like we’ve never heard that one before!  Apparently it sounds slightly different at 4:30am! 

The question becomes how do we do that?  I’m not to that part on the CD yet, but I would be willing to bet we would do things like let go of the outcome (living in the future), forgive those who have wronged us (letting go of the past), and find the good in every moment we live (enjoying the present / experiencing gratitude). 

I was just talking about how, with JC, I battle between my heart and head.  Shouldn’t my spirit get a vote too?  I mean, my spirit seems like a cool chick.  She’s the High Priestess in my tarot cards of life, so why not put her into the octagon for a little three way internal battle?   Going forward, here are my new thoughts in relation to JC:  I have no expectations from my relationship with JC – no hopes, no wishes and no judgments.  I don’t want him and I don’t not want him.  I appreciate the experiences we had together, yet I understand that those cannot be recreated.  I forgive the hurt he caused me and I now release that pain.  What has happened in the past with JC is no indication of future events with others.  And finally, I have everything I need and no matter what, with or without JC in my life, I can be happy!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.  We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’  Actually, who are you not to be?” – Marianne Williamson 

That’s my new favorite quote.  I really do believe that we place too many limitations on ourselves and instead of focusing on what can happen (which really is ANYTHING!), we focus on why things can’t happen, so in turn, they really can’t. 

I took my power back last night and it was in a very small, seemingly insignificant way, but it was huge to me.  JC had told me a while back that he wanted me to go to all of the Broncos games with him.  Game 1:  No invitation.  I didn’t ask, I didn’t question and instead, I watched the first part of the game at home wondering why I wasn’t there, then went to bed early.   

The next game is Sunday.  Now do I really want to go?  Maybe, maybe not.  I’m assuming he’s seeing someone (or a few people), so I understand why he wouldn’t want to invite me – if there is someone with a higher priority in his life, then obviously she should go.  But I don’t want to sit here waiting to see if he’s going to invite me, you know?  That’s giving him the power. 

So yesterday, he mentioned something about the game and just plain, outright, with no hesitation, I said, “So are you ever going to take me – or your girlfriend won’t let you?”  When he’s not sure how to answer a question, he reacts with a “What?”  So I repeated myself.  He said, “Yeah, I’ll take you”, but then got really quiet in a – oh shit, how am I going to deal with this manor.  And it made me laugh.  Not that I wish him pain or struggles, but I would love for him to realize that if he’s upfront and honest, things could be better for him!  He probably won’t ever realize that, but in the meantime, I’m entertained.  I fully expect him to avoid me until after Sunday so that we don’t have to talk about it again.  Oh, the kid can be predictable. 

But the question is, why am I talking about JC?  There are 4 other guys on my waiting list – 2 of them have asked me to get together for drinks/dinner.  They might be okay, but I’m not sold on any of them.  Then there’s the internet girl’s boyfriend’s friend.  (She will hereby be known as IGirl.)  Who knows if he’ll be anything worth spending a lifetime with, but if he’s not, there’ll be another one coming along soon.  

I may not always have the greatest confidence, but I am confident in the fact that when I see the right guy, I’ll know without doubt and without hesitation.  And then I will have my fairy tale life with my husband and my 2.3 kids in my house on the hill with the white picket fence.  Why?  …because I’m powerful beyond measure, and I am brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous! 

I had drinks with the girl from the internet on Saturday.  She’s really cool!  Young (only 24), but seems to be mature beyond her years.  And she already wants to hook me up with her boyfriend’s friends – I have a choice between two of them.  Both great guys according to her, so for now, I believe her.  Her boyfriend was a frat boy, so I’m guessing his friends would be similar.  I can’t say that’s ever really been my type, but what I thought was my type hasn’t worked in the past.  You never know! I’m kind of struggling to understand the workings of the Universe today though.  I know that you can’t have the things you think you want until you learn the lessons you need to first.  But how do we find the lessons?  How do we know that we’re focusing on the right things and opening ourselves to the right path without forcing it?  One school of thought is that if you desire something, there’s a reason for it.  I’d like to think that’s true, but then I also know that I desire things that I know aren’t healthy for me.  Blows that one out of the water.  I’m just trying to understand why I feel the way I do and why things happen the way they happen – and I’m getting frustrated. 

I have a feeling that JC is seeing the OW again.  There’s really no solid, concrete reason for me to feel that way, other than she’s been avoiding me and I know he’s seeing someone (or knowing him, a few people).  On one hand, I feel sorry for her if she is, because she’s 39 years old and even if they were to get serious, he’d always cheat on her.  On the other hand, I want to be in a relationship too.  I’m craving a vacation with a man I love.  I’m craving that excited feeling when I see his name on caller ID.  I’m craving hugs and kisses and waking up next to a warm body.  I miss those things.  I’m trying to focus on feeling those feelings again in my future, but in my visualizations, I am still only able to see JC.  I guess it’s hard to put a face on a man that I haven’t met yet, but I’m trying to do it and JC keeps popping in there. 

Anyway, so I’m just trying to have faith that all of the things that are happening around me and to me are for a purpose and that good will come eventually.  We deserve good.

You know, they say everything happens for a reason.  We had layoffs at my company yesterday and I survived.  I’m absolutely shocked.  They laid off a guy with a whole lot more knowledge and two years in this position as compared to my little knowledge and 10 months in this position.  Apparently they think I have potential.  I’m happy that I still have a steady stream of income, and at this point, I don’t think they’d let me go unless they decided to shut the whole company, which is unlikely.  I have a lot of things to learn and a whole lot more work to do now, but again, I’m still employed, so I’m grateful for that. 

That’s the big news.  The other big news is that I’m supposed to meet this girl for drinks this weekend.  Who is this girl, you ask?  I met her online on some social networking site.  She’s new to Denver, lives with her boyfriend and doesn’t really know anyone here.  That’s weird, huh?  I’ve met guys online, but never girls, so this is a first for me – but she seems nice, so I may just have a new friend!  It’s funny how regardless of if it’s a guy or a girl, I still want her to like me though.  Who knows, maybe her boyfriend has some hot, well adjusted friends she’ll want to hook me up with too!   The possibilities are endless – more potential!! 

Also, this Uppercase Living thing might just be bigger than I initially thought.  For my first Open House next week, I’ve already had 7 people log on to the website, which is pretty much unheard of since the invitation just went out yesterday!  75 people were invited and I already know of about 20 who will be there.  JC told me last night that he knows my job situation isn’t very stable right now, but he really believes that six months from now, I’ll be doing several Open Houses per week.  He thinks this is really going to take off because I have the right business sense and marketing mind to make it work.  Even though he’s a skank-ass ho*, that means a lot. 

*For the record, I will be copyrighting that term, so don’t try to steal it now!