Who knew that starting the day out with Prince at 4:45am would make for such a great day?  I feel good today – confidence, secure and most of all, I know that everything is going to be okay.  When I got to work this morning, I had a request from my boss to put together this project.  I got it done faster and better than he ever could’ve thought – it was perfect and I was able to use a little bit of my creativity with it.  So, in the middle of the whispers about layoffs, I’m confident that my boss knows what he’d be missing if he had to get rid of me.  Unfortunately, it’s probably not his decision, so at the same time, I’m also confident that, if it happens, another company will swoop me up quickly.  Confidence is a bad ass thing – it can take you places you only dreamed about before. 

So I’m also confident that a man is going to enter my life very soon – I just have a feeling that I won’t be single by the end of September.  Is that weird?  Maybe it’s my intuition speaking and maybe I’m just finally listening!  He’ll be tall, dark, strong and handsome, but also caring, considerate and intelligent.  He’ll be able to take care of himself, but also want to make room for the right woman in his life.  I deserve no less – and if a man enters my life who doesn’t have all these things, I’ll know to let him go quickly without hesitation! 

And finally, my side business is really going to take off.  This Uppercase Living thing has so much potential to be big for me.  I’m allowing myself to have creative ideas and to make those ideas come to fruition.  I knew deep down I was way too creative to be an Accountant!  Once again, confidence is lurking all over the place and it feels incredible!  So as Prince says to me in another classic musical moment – “You Sexy Mutha F**ka!!!”

I think there’s a show on Discovery channel about the perfect catch – but in this case, I’m not talking about fishing.  I’m talking about me!  I’ve dabbled with meeting people online throughout my life and at this point, I don’t want to have to pay to do it, but there is one social networking site that is still free.  So I talked to this guy from there last night.  He told me I was the perfect catch right now – 31 yrs old, sexy, attractive, career driven, ambitious, no kids, no baggage (uh huh), etc, etc.  He went on and on about how, for men his age (he’s 28), I’m perfect.  

Okay, so if I’m perfect, where is my perfect match to me being the perfect catch?  Why aren’t the men I meet attractive, ambitious and careful enough to wrap up their manly goods?  It cracked me up because this guy went on to tell me how his baby’s mama had cheated on him 3 times that he knew about, she got gonorrhea while they were together (he said he was clean) and has 3 kids by 3 different daddies, with one on the way.  Oh, and he’s looking at a new business venture, but he’d really just like to be independently wealthy because he’s a little lazy and doesn’t really want to work.  Is that supposed to impress me?  Boys are funny sometimes. 

So in the meantime, I’m focusing on me and my business ventures.  I have my first Open House on September 13^th.  There has already been a ton of interest and people are already putting their orders together – is making money really THIS easy – and this much fun?  Maybe life is really supposed to be like this – when you finally get out of the way, go with the flow and truly listen to your gut feelings and intuition, life becomes easy.  Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t make a dollar yet, but I’m having fun with it so far and that’s definitely worth something!  Once again, I go girl! 

This weekend was incredible – I feel so good about where I’m at in my life right now – I can honestly say it’s the first time I’ve ever felt this way!  Of course, I’ll always strive for more, but everything right now is exactly where it should be. 

First, JC and I went to my friend’s wedding.  We had a good time together – we laughed, we joked and overall, it was perfect.  He did ask if I had his black pants because he couldn’t find any of them when he went to get dressed.  Then he asked about his passport, which I still have.  And at that moment, I was at peace with giving him everything he’d left at my house.  (Except the Sam’s Card, which I’m using – at least until February when it’s up for renewal.  Hee, hee!)  So I gave him his clothes that night and then told him I’d put the rest of the stuff together for him, which I did.  And I feel great about it!!   

I think until this point, I wasn’t ready to give up control and my only way to control was to keep his stuff in my possession.  Maybe to some extent I was just hoping he’d come back.  Now I fully understand and accept that it’s out of my control – and it’s an incredible feeling!  If we never speak again, there’s a reason for it, and if we get back together, there’s a reason for it.  Yes, I have a say in what happens in the end, but as with all things, if it feels right, then it IS right – and I’ll know at the time.   

Also this weekend, I got a hobby!  And it’s a money generating hobby – even better!  I signed up to be an independent distributor for Upper.case Living – basically allows you to create writing on the wall.  I’m excited about it because it’s a fun product and there really is opportunity to generate additional income – woo hoo!  It can be whatever I make it – but right now, I have the tools to make it a great thing!! 

I had a realization last week that I don’t have any single friends who can enjoy the single life with me.  So my new hobby will also allow me to meet new people too!  I go girl.    Like I said, doing this just feels right.  I’ve thought about getting a second job for some time now, and they say if you ask, what you need will come to you – and it has.  So to that, I say THANK YOU!!

I had a huge victory with myself last night and I can definitely see how I’m making progress.  JC called me when he was on his way to the Firefighter’s Calendar event.  My initial reaction is that I didn’t want him to go.  I don’t want him to be out places where he’ll meet people while I’m at home in bed by 8pm.  It just doesn’t seem fair, but it’s also something I have no control over.  So instead of being upset, I took a step back and changed my attitude.  JC wasn’t that excited about going, but I told him that there might be hot chicks there, and if not hot chicks, he should bid on one of the firefighters for me.  So we laughed a little about that and moved on.  He sent me a text message a few hours later telling me that there were some pretty girls there, but none as nice or classy as when he met me there.  That’s a nice thing to say. 

And I left it at that.  I didn’t stay up all night worrying about if he was meeting women or why he was saying nice things to me.  For me, that’s huge!  I’m a worrier by nature, even if I shouldn’t be worrying, I still do it.  But not this time!  JC and I have separate lives and I’m very much at peace with that and it feels good to finally feel that way.  Yes, I do still enjoy talking to him because we do still have a lot in common.  People wonder why we still talk and I’m not sure I can explain it other than to say we just do.  My hairdresser asked me why the other day, but honestly, I don’t really expect her or anyone else to understand.  

JC and I are going to a friend’s wedding tomorrow night.  He has tickets to the Broncos game, but is foregoing that to go to the wedding with me.  I’m surprised, but hey, it is what it is, I don’t question it.  In the back of my mind I do wonder if I’m missing my chance to meet a new guy at the wedding, but at the same time, I know I’m not ready.  I’m still working on being happy with who I am, so when the man of my dreams shows up, we can be happy together.  It’s inevitable.  Like Michael Jordan tells me, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but now I need to just vent for a minute.  I may not have a job tomorrow.  The industry sucks and my company will probably have more layoffs before it has a chance to turn around.  I guess I kind of feel about my job the same way as I do relationships.  I feel like I keep getting hired at these companies and they seem like great places to work.  But then, the market shifts, the company starts losing money and eventually they shut down.  I’ve been one of the last few people at some places and I’ve proactively left at some, foretelling the bleak future.  I’ve met some great people and each experience has been a lesson, but I still don’t feel like I’m any more closer to being where I want to be. 

I want stability.  I want commitment.  I want to be paid what I’m worth and get what I deserve.  I would love to find a company where I’m happy and could stay until retirement.  Just like I would love to find a man who I’m happy with until death do us part.  I’m ready to commit, it’s just a matter of finding someone/something worthy of committing to! 

Also, I’ve just had this feeling of impending doom the last few days – and not just with my job situation.  Call it lack of sleep or crazy thinking, but I really believe it’s a feeling rather than a thought.  Intuition over paranoia.  It’s further complicated by the fact that I thought my house was hit by lightening last night.  I saw a flash of light outside my window as I heard a crack, and then the thunder came.  Scared the hell out of me. 

It also doesn’t help that I think I left my iron on this morning.  I probably didn’t, but I don’t consciously remember unplugging it.  It’s an automatic response to unplug it, but still, I wish I knew my house would be there when I got home today.  If things like this keep up, it could be a very long day. 

And for my final thought, tonight is the 2008 Firefighter Calendar Debut party.  That’s where JC and I met two years ago.  I kind of want to go just because, but at the same time, JC mentioned that he might go and that would just be awkward.  But still, I feel like I need to start getting out and about just in case the right job or man comes along.   

I had a dream last night that would make anyone think I’m doing drugs, yet with all of the spiritual / intuitive exploration I’ve done recently, I wonder if it was real.  My spirit guide was there – she was an older woman and at first, I couldn’t see her, but she revealed herself to me and was telling me something.  I couldn’t hear her or couldn’t understand, so I kept saying “What?  What?”  The only thing I remember is that she told me I didn’t need to go to the grocery store as often as I do.  Okay, random.  Sooooo, I shouldn’t look for men at the grocery store then?  Or I shouldn’t be spending any money?  Or these vitamins I’m taking are much better than I think?  I’m not sure what to take from that, but I suppose the truth will be revealed in time!

I was going up the stairs in my house the other day and all of a sudden something in my left knee started hurting.  So of course, I proceed to get on the elliptical for 45 minutes.  I never claimed to be brilliant!  The next day at work, it got worse, to the point that every time I took a step, I felt like little ants wearing little Michael Myers masks carrying very sharp knives were invading my knee.  I iced it, but I still felt like any wrong move would render me a paraplegic for life.  Last night I remembered that I have a book by Louise Hay called “Heal Your Body”.  She claims that everything that goes wrong with your body is because of something going wrong in your attitude or the way you are living your life. 

Interestingly enough, I’m listening to a CD about Body Intuition right now.  We are all genetically predisposed to certain ailments, but it’s not until we’re ignoring our intuition about certain situations that these bad things appear.  This is anything from a headache to high blood pressure to something as severe as cancer.  At this point, I’m not denying anything is possible, so I start thinking, okay, what’s up with my knee? 

I refer to the “Heal Your Life” book.  Our knees are our flexibility.  If we’re stubborn, resistant to change or insisting that we have control, we develop knee problems.  Even though this could NEVER be me, I read on.  Recommended mantras include saying/thinking the following:  “Understanding.  Forgiveness.  I flex and bend with ease.  I move forward without hesitation.”  As I’m falling asleep last night, I repeat those things in my head.  Surprisingly, I wake up thinking the same thing.  I stumble to the shower, eyes still closed when it hits me.  My knee doesn’t hurt anymore!  It does feel like it’s still healing though.  You know how if you cut your finger, a day or two later, you can still see where it was cut, it doesn’t necessarily hurt, but you know it was there and is in the process of healing?  Kind of the same sensation with my knee. 

As my company faces layoffs today, I still have to tell myself that I can be flexible and no matter what happens, I will be okay.  I don’t think I’ll be cut today, but if things continue as they have, it could happen next time.  In the meantime, my resume is updated and my eyes are open for new opportunities.  If I do end up leaving here, there’s a reason for it, I at least trust that!

The Intuitive Class was last night and the topic was Prosperity.  We all need a little more prosperity in our lives, huh?  And although we were primarily talking about financial prosperity, I can see how being prosperous applies to all other things in life.  We talked about food and how there are starving people in this world.  It’s not because there’s not enough food – the problem is with distribution.  Same with money – there’s plenty of money out there, it’s just a matter of how to get it to flow your way. 

As with all things, the first step is believing that it can happen.  Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts and allow yourself to receive, and not just give.  I now wear a rubber band on my wrist.  Whenever I begin to have negative thoughts, I’m supposed to snap the rubber band to force myself to consciously choose a positive thought instead.  And I’ll have to be accountable – if I’m not, everyone will know because my wrist will be all red!   

We also talked about vision boards and how you have to ask for what you want.  It may not come in the form you desire, but it will come.  There was a girl there who wanted this new Infiniti, but didn’t want a car payment.  Turns out the Universe was going to force her to get the new car.  She rear-ended someone, only broke a nail, but managed to total her car and she did get her Infiniti.  Her biggest challenge was believing she was worthy of receiving big things.  She admitted that her password to all of her accounts is “I am big”, just to remind herself that she is someone and she is worthy.   

At the conference in Vail, the speaker was talking about how the biggest trait unsuccessful sales people have is lack of confidence.  They don’t believe they can do it, so they don’t.  Seems to be a theme here, huh??  Once again, we’re back to the little engine that could.  It’s been a while since I’ve read that book, but maybe it’s time to revisit something that seemed so simple, but now seems so important.

It’s officially back to the life of a single gal for me.  Justin and I broke up last night.  It was completely a mutual break-up and we left on great terms – just how a breakup should be!  We are friends and I do believe that we’ll be able to maintain that friendship.  Who knows if we just moved too fast or if we are just completely wrong for each other or if it’s something else.  I do still believe that I was drawn to him for some reason – I feel like it’s something more, but it may be it was something as small as diverting my attention from JC.  Either way, we are in a good place now. 

One of the big things that came out of our conversation last night was that I have trouble communicating when something is bothering me.  No kidding?  In things I’ve read recently, the theory is that if you are upset about something, it’s basically your own fault.  Believing something like that will teach you that you can only control what you can control – and you can’t control what other people do.  But Justin had a great point too.  He said that if I would’ve said something about the things that bothered me in our relationship, it could’ve changed the outcome.  That’s profound.   

Maybe I’m mistakenly lumping everything into one category.  If you get upset because someone cuts you off in traffic, you can’t really control that.   It’s going to happen sometimes because people are so focused on their lives and where they need to be that they don’t think about you.  That’s life and you shouldn’t get upset over it. 

But when Justin didn’t call me because he was out with the girls, maybe I just didn’t effectively communicate my needs.  Maybe I should’ve told him that it would be nice if he would call me or text me to let me know he was thinking about me.  Those are two completely different things! 

Maybe my fear is that I’ll appear needy, but at the same time, everyone has needs and we all have a different degree of needs.  Maybe I just need a little more reassurance because of what’s happened in my past.  Well, if I don’t communicate that, how in the world is the other person supposed to know?!?!?  People can assume, but they don’t KNOW how you feel and what you want until you tell them. 

It cracks me up now that we used to joke about Communications Majors in college.  Seems like the majority of athletes were in Communications – it gave you the ability to get a degree without actually having to commit to a career path or even having to pay your neighbors to write papers for you.  But now, I admire them.  Communications is hard! 

And it’s not just speaking or writing words.  It’s understanding your needs, why you need what you need and then being able to get those needs from your brain to your mouth without getting all jumbled.  Then from your mouth to the other person, you have to make sure that it doesn’t sound threatening or hateful, but rather, actually gets your point across in a tactful way.  Seriously, it’s a miracle anyone ever gets anything done!!! 

My blog asks the question, “What have I done for me lately?”  Honestly, I don’t really have an answer to that right now.  Lately, I’ve been focused on what to do with JC and Justin; JC because I’m still in love with him and haven’t been able to shake my feelings for him and Justin because I’m pretty sure I need to just let him go for now.  I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been stressed out thinking about what could be, what might’ve been and avoiding what is.   

Once again, I’m going to re-center myself and focus on my needs.  I get my vitamins from the nutritionist today, so today starts my path towards a healthy mind and body.  Being on this new diet requires more planning and more creativity, which takes time.  I’m getting back into my exercise program, working out at least 5 to 6 days per week.  And no one will convince me to be lazy and no one will be a bigger priority to me than me.  I will be true to myself and I won’t let old thought patterns and old habits sneak back into my life.  There is no room.  I only have room for positive affirmations, soul healing and respecting my own needs and goals. 

I expect setbacks.  No one is perfect.  But I also expect that I can do this.  I have no reason or lame excuse NOT to!  I trust that I will be happier, calmer and more at peace with who I am and who I will become as I start truly taking care of myself first.  I’ve realized that no amount of wishing things were different will make them different.  I think Maya Angelou said something about change the things you can, but if you can’t, then change your attitude.  So that’s what I’m doing.  I don’t know why I feel so differently today and have a renewed sense of hope.  Maybe it was just getting a few hours sleep or the fact that it’s Friday and I get my vitamins today.   Maybe it’s because last night I noticed the horrible things that I was saying to myself and I consciously decided to stop. 

Lying in bed last night, I decided to be kind to myself and managed to turn all of my negative thoughts into positive ones. 

I thought back to all of the nice things people have said about me recently.  In talking about JC and why we’re not together now, one of my coworkers said, “He’s missing a great thing!”  Shoe shopping with JC the other night, all of a sudden, he exclaimed, “Your calves are huge!”  And he didn’t mean in a bad way – he was noticing the hours of calf raises and the outline of my muscle.  That inspired me to keep up the workouts.  My homegirl, J, cares enough about me to tell me how wrong my thinking has been and how I do deserve a worthy man, even if it takes a little time for him to find me. 

Moral of the story is, I have a lot of love to give, but before I give it all away, I need to take my cut and give myself a little off the top first.  Actually, no.  Not just a little – I deserve a lot!