I’m not really sure if July 29^th was as big as they said it should be, but today, I am starting something new.  I’m back on the Body For Life, I see a nutritionist tomorrow and I’m taking time for me.  Since I met Justin, I’ve let my exercise time slide in order to spend more time with him.  We have still been going to the gym twice a week, but we eat out a whole lot more than that!  No more.  I am, once again, focusing on me.  And if I focus on taking care of myself first, the relationship part of my life will fall into place. My birthday was okay.  I was sad, but I suppose that’s par for the course.  Justin tried to make me smile and tried to make me happy, but that’s something I have to do from inside.   

JC and I are getting together tomorrow to celebrate my birthday.  He has something for me.  I’m a little nervous as to what it is, but I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.  Knowing him, it’s probably a gift card to somewhere.  King of the unwrapped, lack of creativity, gift card gift.  But that’s who he is!  I get so frustrated with myself because I still have feelings for JC.  I shouldn’t.  I know this.  But I still do.

 Another thing – I was listening to one of the CDs from the I Can Do It conference and the lady was talking about how you have to do things for 21 days in order to make something a habit.  But if you miss one day, then your 21-day period starts over at day one.  I was thinking about that when it comes to exercising and eating right – but then I thought it might cross over to other parts of my life.  I actually thought about not talking to JC for 21 days straight.  Three weeks is a long time for me.  But maybe it would give me a chance to see my life without him, and give him a chance to see his life without me.  On one hand, I’m scared it would make me see that I don’t need him in my life.  But on the other hand, I’m more scared that it would make me see that I do.

Two posts in one day?  It must be serious!  I just re-read this for July and it made me think a little bit.  Anxiously awaiting July 29th!!

When it comes to romance, you seem to be lacking your normal fantasy life that used to make your love life so exciting. It could be that you are simply tired from dealing with too heavy a workload, or you may have become a bit wary about love after a disappointment you suffered some time ago. If you don’t feel ready for love, you may simply enjoy the peacefulness and complete lack of drama in your life this month.

Admittedly, having a relationship takes energy, and you seem to be in greater need to regain your composure than to dive into another relationship that could drain you. With Venus about to retrograde in Virgo and Leo, too, if you were once attached but broke up, you might now be thinking about reconciliation. If so, it’s the right month to go over old ground, but if you do, take your time. No guarantees, but if this person does still mean something to you, it would be worth seeing if you could make a go of it.

You have apparently learned a great deal from your experience in matters of the heart, and it is clear that you are not about to repeat your mistakes. You will carry your newly gained enlightenment in years to come. All this will become especially apparent at the full moon on July 29, to shine in your relationship sector. It will mark a milestone. This full moon will also show you clearly the wealth of life experience you’ve gained so far and are about put to good use. What you hear at this time should make your heart expand, for finally you’ll say, “Life is good.”

I’m kind of an emotional mess right now.  Okay, “kind of” is an understatement.  Well, hell, “mess” is an understatement too.  I’m going to be 31 on Friday.  Birthdays have always been a little traumatic for me.  I seem to put so much pressure on myself to be further in life, then I get disappointed in myself when another birthday comes around and I’m not there yet.  This year, I seem further off than I’ve been in a long time.  And this is the year that they tell me my egg production begins to decrease, my chances of conceiving go down the drain, and the idea that I may never have children, much less, get married, becomes closer to a reality.  So then I question the purpose of all of this personal growth I’ve been doing…if I’m no where closer to where I want to be, then why am going through all of this struggle? 

By no means do I want to have a pity party.  I’ve dug my own mess and I’ve put myself where I am.  It sure would be easier if I knew how to find my way out though.  I do care about Justin, but when I’m away from him, I appreciate my time alone and honestly, I don’t really miss him all that much.  Maybe that’s what a normal relationship is supposed to be like?  Maybe you’re not supposed to “crave” the person you’re with, but rather appreciate them when they’re there and enjoy the time they’re not too.  Maybe relationships aren’t supposed to be exciting at every moment and maybe it really is just finding the person you can put up with for a lifetime.  I’ve never had a “normal” relationship, so I can’t really say if that’s true or not.  If that’s how it’s supposed to be, though, that makes me sad because I want it to be exciting and I want love to rock my world. 

JC took me to the airport on Friday.  I hadn’t seen him for over 6 weeks.  It was good to see him, but at the same time, I was looking at him as we were driving thinking that I really didn’t miss him as much as I thought I did.  But then I hugged him.  And then I kissed him.  And then he said “I love you, Nicole” with more meaning and emphasis than I’ve ever heard from him.  And at that moment, I missed him so much that I thought I was going to explode.  That feeling has since faded a little, but it’s still causing me problems.   

I look at Justin and wonder why he can’t make me love him the way JC did.  Yes, I do see so many things wrong with that statement.  I care about him and I really believed that he had this great purpose in my life.  I was drawn to him and he was there for a reason.  Now I wonder what that purpose is because I wonder if I should really be with him.  I yelled at him yesterday when he was telling me how he was upset that this guy was staring at him at the gas station – um, what does it really matter if someone stares at you?  He was ready to fight the guy – that’s just dumb.  Then of course, we go to eat and after we’re done, I have to sit and wait in the car so he can smoke.  Granted, it’s nice that he doesn’t smoke IN the car, but still, I’d had a long day and I was tired and ready to go home.  I’m trying to go with the flow and go where the Universe puts me, but what happens if I’m not happy with that place anymore???

We had the intuitive class Tuesday night.  The topic was about animals and our connection to them.  Afterwards, during the meditation, I was sitting on this rock (in my mind) and she tells us to imagine an animal walking up.  Instantly, without a thought, I see Thumper.  Yeah, the little obnoxious rabbit with the big foot from Bambi – who knew I meditated in animation?  So then she says to turn around and we see another animal – well, by golly, there’s Bambi herself just right there!   

What do these animals mean?  The rabbit is a sign of nurturing and fertility, but also one of sacrifice.  The deer is a sign of a pathfinder – to trust your instincts with a purity of purpose.  And with my 31^st birthday quickly approaching, those are the things that I’m most concerned with.  There are no coincidences.  My trust that I’m on the right path wavers often.  I question my ability to fulfill what I believe is my purpose here – to carry on life.  But maybe Bambi and Thumper were there to tell me it’s okay and I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. 

Somehow though, I just don’t understand how I ended up here and why I’m so far off from where I thought I’d be.  I’m in love with a man I can’t and shouldn’t have, in a relationship with another, who is good to me, but maybe not the one for me.  And still, it seems I am no closer to being where I want to be than I was 10 years ago.  I have learned a great deal in those 10 years, but obviously it’s not enough.  So what am I missing?  Which lesson has escaped me each time? 

Of course as these questions surface in my mind, I’m also noticing my abandonment issues coming full force too.  I don’t know where Justin is.  He went out with “the girls” last night and I haven’t heard from him.  He should’ve been at work over two hours ago…and no word.  So of course my mind starts racing, thinking he was in a car accident or maybe that he’s got guilt for something he’s done wrong, etc, etc.  A little part of me thinks it’s probably nothing serious, but at the same time, it’s disrespectful to not let me know.  So of course, I worry.  I sent him a text message probably a half an hour ago asking if he was coming to work today.  No response.  Spectacular.

**UPDATE**:  Justin’s at home sick today.  His head is killing him.  Rough night, I suppose.  That’s great considering he just got written up at work for taking too many sick days.  We didn’t used to have a sick day policy, but with some recent changes, we’ve got a new one and apparently, he’d used too many.  I sure hope his night out with the girls was worth getting fired over!  Jackass.

I still have feelings for JC.  I still want him to be happy, I still like to hear what happens during his day at work, and yes, dare I say, I still love him.  I know in my head those feelings make no sense.  But my heart sends a big F YOU to my head and feels those things anyway.  Bastard.  So how do I make my heart shut up?  I have no idea.  I don’t seriously believe in my head that JC would ever say that he wants to get back together, much less do the things necessary to make that happen.  But somehow my heart seems to hold on to that tiny ounce of hope.  Let it go, Heart!  But my heart doesn’t listen.  My heart has been watching too much South Park and just yells out, “Whateva!  Whateva! I do what I want!”  Punk. 

Then there’s Justin.  Great guy.  Totally in love with me.  Very sweet and thoughtful.  And he wants the same things I want in the future.  I’d be retarded not to want someone like him.  I was drawn to him for some reason…even from the very first time I saw him, but is it enough to build a relationship?  Or am I just get distracted by missing JC that I can’t rationally understand my feelings for Justin right now?  I know I like him, I know I like spending time with him, but I also know that I have questions about whether he’s the right person for me long-term.  As my baby-making days dwindle (that may be dramatic, but my mom did hit menopause in her early 40’s!), I feel like I have to question whether I’m wasting my time in every relationship, including this one.   

Well, whatever is going on, I’m throwing it out to the Universe.  I’m saying, okay, this is how I feel, whether it’s right or wrong, this is what it is.  Now put me where I should be.  Give me the feelings that I should have and force me to do what’s best for me, even if I don’t want to!  I’m going to Vegas this weekend to visit family.  I’m really hoping for some enlightenment while I’m there.  The funny part is most people don’t go to Vegas hoping to find enlightenment, but I do!!  Oh well, I’ve never really done things the traditional way anyway!  Why start now?

My sister called me last night to tell me a story about something that almost made her pee her pants.  She was telling my nephews (ages 8 and 10) that JC and I weren’t together anymore.  We were still friends, but he didn’t turn out to be as nice as we all thought, etc.  She also told them I was seeing a new guy – who was different than anyone I’ve ever dated.  They asked how he was different.  She asked them to think about what all of the guys I’ve dated have had in common.  They just couldn’t come up with it.  She finally told them that all of the guys I’ve dated have been black and that this new guy isn’t.  So, just as proud as can be, knowing he’s figured out the mystery, the 10yr old yells out “He’s Asian!!!”  Of course, my sister and her husband bust out laughing.  And not to be outdone, the 8yr old yells out, “No!  He’s a little person!!”  No wonder she almost peed her pants.  My nephews think I’m dating an Asian midget.   

When she finally told them that he was white, they showed disappointment when they said, “But Aunt Cole is white.”  At that point my sister realized that the thing that shocked everyone else was just no big deal to my nephews.  The bigger deal here is the fact that they won’t get to meet my Asian midget because he’s just a regular old white guy.  However, they do live in Vegas, so maybe one day their Asian midget dreams will be fulfilled. 

On a sad note, RIP Lazy dog.  Have fun frolicking in the parks and pastures up there.  We’ll see you again soon. 

Whoever thought that I would find such an awakening in Mint M&M’s?  I love Mint M&M’s.  They’re best frozen and are REALLY good mixed with a little vanilla bean ice cream and a shot of milk.  But they only come out at Christmas time.  It’s July and the stores (shockingly) haven’t put out their Christmas decorations yet, so Mint M&M’s are just not available right now. 

So why am I talking about Mint M&M’s in July?  Justin told me last night that he had been looking for some Mint M&M’s to give me for my birthday.  My birthday is just over 2 weeks away and he’s thinking about this already?  Good man!  What surprises me more than him planning a great surprise is that we had one conversation about Mint M&M’s and he remembered.  He remembered that I love them and he was thoughtful enough to try to get me some.  And he did find them!  $80 on E.bay.  (Note to Self:  Stock up at Christmas so I can make $$ too!  Use will power to not eat the profits.)   

Needless to say, for $80, I won’t be getting my Mint M&M’s for my birthday.  Instead, I get to see how much he listens to me, cares for me, and wants me to have everything I desire. 

So why is it that I’m still unsure of where I’m at or how I truly feel?  I know that I care for him, but could I spend the rest of my life with him?  Yeah, I just don’t know how I feel about that one!  Fortunately, I don’t have to decide that today.  But I still do put pressure on myself to define what this is.  Although I know that every experience is a life lesson, I’m definitely not getting any younger and I don’t want to waste time in a relationship that’s not going to give me what I want in the end.  I definitely need to start working on my psychic abilities.  Maybe that, or a good tarot reading!

I confessed to my mom that I miss JC.  Guess what she said?  “I miss him too.”  That killed me.  She said that in terms of who she can really see me with, who I’m more compatible with, who she knows I feel more strongly for, it’s JC.  And she’s right.  So aside from the fact that he’s got no regard for my feelings, he was it.  Bastard. 

And completely unrelated (maybe), again, I have doubts about Justin.  Yesterday was the first time since we’ve been dating that we didn’t see each other, and it was probably for the best.  We spent Saturday together and Saturday night, I was ready for him to go home and I don’t know what that means.  Yesterday was nice.  I spent some time with my mom, spent some time alone and I liked it.  And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really miss Justin and I kind of feel bad for that because I know he missed me.   

So I have no clue where I’m at.  Could just be PMS, but it could be something more.  Maybe I’ll have to wait until Aunt Flo visits to really understand what I’m feeling and where I should go.

The other night I was trying to do too many things at once and I ended up burning my arm on the iron.  It’s big, it hurts and it looks really nasty.  So I was talking to JC last night and our conversation went like this: 

Me:  So my burn is blistering and turning all yellow and scabby.  Should I keep putting Neosporin on it?  (Although not a medical emergency, I figured his paramedic training would help – plus I was too lazy to go get on webmd.com.)

JC:  Well, that’s fine to cover it sometimes, but in order to really heal, it needs to be exposed to air.

Me:  But it hurts because it gets all dry.

JC:  That’s how it heals though, by being exposed.

Me:  Why does healing hurt so much?

JC:  Because it’s hard. 

Why does healing hurt so much?  Because it’s hard.  No shit, Sherlock.  Then I started thinking how that’s really true – if you keep covering your hurts with Neosporin, there’s no way to really heal.  You have to lay it out there, expose it to the air and let your body do what it does naturally.  We all have the ability to heal from our pain, but we have to be open to letting it happen and quit trying to cover it. 

I had a good weekend, even though I did have some doubts about my new relationship.  I met Justin’s dad and aunt and uncle.  They are nice people and they were really good to me.  His dad even told him that I seemed really nice and he’d better be good to me.  My only problem with his family is that they are total chain smokers.  Justin smokes, but he really tones it down and decreases the frequency when he’s around me.  But with them, he was just about keeping up.  And the worst part is, we were inside his uncle’s house, no ventilation and they’re all smoking.  I think I still stink.  That’s just gross.   

So of course being a planner like I am, I start thinking about our children.  I don’t want them exposed to that.  I’ve already warned Justin that if we have kids, I don’t want him to EVER smoke around them.  Both of my parents smoked when I was young and I had all sorts of health problems because of it.  I told him that his smoking wasn’t a deal breaker, but the nastiness really made me question that.  And I did tell him that he might as well just shoot me through the heart because that was a much faster and painless death than killing me with second-hand smoke.  A little dramatic?  Maybe.  But I know it got my point across.