I have abandonment issues.  Okay, fine, we all know that.  People come and go all the time, so why is it so traumatic when people leave me?  And it’s not that they leave me, but rather, they are just doing what’s right for them.  It’s not a personal attack, they just do what they do, yet I take it personally.   

My cheating-on-his-wife-online-with-someone-from-Cali work buddy is switching departments.  He’ll still be with the company, just not sitting across from me, listening to my rants and raves about relationship drama and why boys are retarded.  He’ll still talk to me via IM, but on a daily basis, he won’t be there. 

I’m also nervous because I’ll be taking over his job.  To some, that’s growth.  To me, that’s being scared to death because I have no clue what I’m doing!  He was supposed to take over my 5am schedule in September.  He was supposed to be there when I have questions.  There goes that.   I won’t be alone though – I’ll still have the other guy and my boss, but he listened to me and he knows more about my personal situation than they do. 

I suspect that he knows about me dating Justin too.  The questions he asks make me think that he knows.  He could just be a lucky guesser, but I suppose now that he’s leaving, he can know and it’s okay.  But I am going to miss him.

Rule your mind or it will rule you. – Horace 

My mind has been ruling me these last few days.  I’m taking back control (again)!  Justin has been hanging out with his female friends who are only in town for this week.  After this week, who knows when we’ll see them next.  So he’s been spending time with them while they are here – Tuesday night and tonight.  Now, I don’t have a problem with him having female friends, especially because they are both married – and actually, I think it helps him understand the female mind.  Since he acts like a girl sometimes anyway, it just makes sense!  But I miss him and I am jealous of the time he spends with these other women.   

Turns out, his boss has a thing for him too.  She’s married with three kids, probably in her early 40’s, but definitely seems to be one of those “needy” types.  One of his co-workers told him yesterday that she acts differently around him – like a middle school girl with a crush.  Great.  No wonder she glares at me when I see her in the hallway!  Rumor has it, she’s not just jealous of me though – she’s jealous of any female that he talks to – even other women she manages!  And as a matter of fact, she’s sitting with him training right now.  Probably wishing she could be stroking his leg or something else right now too.  That could be a dangerous situation for him, but until she says or does something to confirm it, what can he do? 

What it comes down to is that I’m struggling with trust.  I trust him (or say I do) and don’t think he would do anything to screw up what we have.  But I’ve thought that before and I was dead wrong.  I know he’s not JC and I know that I need to give him the chance to love me and be true to me, but I also know that journey will not be without setbacks.    

The difference now, though, is that I know whatever happens, I will be okay.  Whether I’m single or dating or married, I’m fine and I will survive.  I also know that if something happens where Justin becomes torn between me and someone else, I’ll be more than willing to help him with his decision.  If he’s tempted by someone else, then I know I’m not the right person for him, and that’s the end of the story.  I need him to choose me each and every time.  And in return, I will choose him.  And with that, this relationship can be successful…gee, is that what commitment is?!?!  (Don’t you love that I get home in time to watch Dr. Phil now?!?!)

Some people don’t understand my mentality.  Yeah, I’m a girl, but on some occasions, I do think like a boy – like when it comes to feelings and stuff.  I have a hard time communicating those, so I have to put it in terms I understand. 

Last night I told Justin how I feel. I put it in terms of football, and although he’s a hockey fan, he tried to hang in there with me.  I don’t think it worked.  But here’s what I said:  My team is mediocre, not the best, not the worst, just somewhere in between.  I’ve won some games, lost some games and learned a few things along the way.  Well, by some fluke and the fact that the rest of the teams in my division are horrible, I’ve made it to the playoffs.  Then by another fluke, all the rest of the teams came down with Ebola and I’m in the Superbowl.  I mean, if we’re talking Vegas odds, anyone would’ve been crazy to bet on me.   

So, I’m in the Superbowl and my initial reaction is to freak out and question whether I’m ready to be here, whether I’m good enough to be here and whether I deserve to be here.  Those are the fears.  But honestly, you practice your whole life to get to the Superbowl, and I’m here!  There’s no way I can let those little fears and doubts keep me from bringing my best game.  It’s put up or shut up; play hard or go home.  And I’m going to play to win.  So in my confession of love to Justin, I told him he was my Lombardi Trophy – and that’s a HUGE deal! 

He didn’t get it.  So I tried to further clarify and tell him how huge it really was.  I tried to tell him that I was the Cleveland Browns, but that escaped him too.  I think he may have understood what I was TRYING to say, but not being a huge sports fan, something was lost in the translation.  He laughed and said he was going to have to tell his dad that I had compared our relationship to going to the Superbowl and that his dad would get a kick out of it.  Okay, but I was serious!! 

I guess the point is, I know what I mean.  And as we grow closer together, maybe someday, he will know too. 

I made a decision this morning.  I’m not going to be scared anymore.  To this point, I’ve been guarded with Justin because of my fears – and he sees it – I mean, it’s as obvious as Paris Hilton’s lack of acting ability.  (Sorry – we watched House of Wax this weekend.)  Anyway, so I’ve made the conscious decision not to be scared of him or this relationship.  I’m open to all good things that come my way – and good things will come my way because I’m open to them! 

Speaking of that, screw all those haters of The Secret.  Recent articles have come out saying this creates a victim mentality, etc, etc.  Whatever.  If you don’t like it, don’t use it.  If it works for you, then do!  It’s not hard.  Same with religion – find what works for you and understand that everyone else has to find what works for them too – and what works for them has NOTHING to do with you, so mind your own damn business!   

Okay, off the soap box and back to my former fears.  It’s impossible to truly love someone if you are scared of what they might do to you or how they might hurt you.  Being scared gives power to your fears and draws power from your love, and it’s impossible to have both.  So, going forward, I choose love.  Love rocks.  And for real, I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that Justin doesn’t have tentacles growing out of his head and he doesn’t hide under the bed waiting to attack.  Although he does have little fangs and he does bite my neck (that’s a whole different story though – grr), he’s really not THAT scary. 

All of a sudden I feel liberated and free.  And that rocks too.  Who would’ve believed that letting go can feel so good?!?!?

I weighed in this morning.  In the last 4 weeks, I’ve lost 4 pounds, no inches.  That leaves me at 5 pounds lost, 5 inches lost.  Okay, I’m not complaining, but I also realize that’s not setting any records!  I know that I haven’t completely stuck to the diet OR exercise program, so it’s my own fault that I’m not setting records!  But I also know what I need to do to improve! 

We had pizza last night with Justin’s friends (gee, why am I not losing more weight?)  They were nice – one of them wants to be in Playboy.  She’s like 6’0”, platinum blond and could probably do it if they had a plus-sized magazine theme (not that there’s anything wrong with that!)  We had fun, but of course I got home late, so I’m a little tired this morning – thank God it’s Friday!  On one hand, I want to ask Justin what they thought of me, but on the other hand, it’s none of my business what they think of me.  So who knows if I’ll ever find out!   

Justin did get a little of a bruised ego when I beat him at the shooting game AND the driving game – oh yeah, and the horses too!  But as we were sitting there playing, I looked over at him and it hit me – he’s my boyfriend.  I despise that word because it makes me feel like I’m still in high school, but you get the idea.  He’s sooo not what I had pictured for myself, and I almost had an out of body experience.  Is he the one for me?  I don’t know.  Am I just on the rebound?  I don’t know.  These questions bombarded me like I was playing a game of dodge ball.   

I do know that I’m having fun with Justin.  I enjoy the time we spend together and I like having him in my life.  There are still some things that I need to deal with before I can spend a lifetime with him (or anyone), but I’m working on it.  There is no actual finish line, just a circular track that keeps getting better and better each time around. 

Quick Update:  So I got an email this morning that made me cry and I hate the fact that it made me cry.  I had sent a forward to JC.  As a friend, I still care, so I’ll send him the inspirational forwards just because I know he’s struggling right now.  He is incapable of talking to me about it, but I just know – and as much as my friends and family think I should wish bad on him, I don’t.  He’s broken, doesn’t know how to deal with things and the lifetime of loneliness he faces is more pain that I could even wish on him.  So he sends me an email in response to the forward that says, “Good message! You know I could never forget you.  Love you.  JC.”  I feel dumb that it makes me cry and I feel guilty that it makes me cry, but I how do I stop it from making me cry? 

In the meantime, Justin asks me this morning if I’d like to spend the day with him tomorrow.  Apparently, he has a surprise planned for us.  He’s so good to me and yet, I still cry when I get an email like that from JC.  I know that doesn’t make me a bad person or any less deserving, but it just reminds me that I’ve got some brokenness about me too.

Stupid body fat.  We did the body fat testing at the gym last night and it basically told me what I already knew – I need to lose weight.  The best thing for me to do would be to lose 15 pounds of fat and gain 5 pounds of muscle.  The average person, if they are busting ass, will gain 10 pounds of muscle in a year.  Bastards.  And in the meantime, my biceps hurt so bad that I can’t fully straighten my arm.  We did lower body weights last night, so most likely, I’ll not be able to walk tomorrow, but you know, it’s the price we pay for health.  Stupid health. 

So today, I made an appointment with my mom’s nutritionist.  Of course I can’t get in until July 31^st, but from what I understand, it’s worth the wait.  She puts this blood pressure cuff thing on you for like 15 minutes and then can tell everything that’s going on with your body.  Some of the stuff she knew about my mom was really fascinating, but my mom swears that she’s feeling better than she has in a long time, so I guess it’s worth a try.  I know another lady that went to this same nutritionist – she used to have migraines at least 5-6 times a month and in the last month, she’s had one.  So, I figure, what the hell, what do I have to lose?!? 

And tonight I’m going out with Justin and this friend of his – who is a girl.  He seems to have a lot of friends who are girls.  I don’t have a problem with it – especially since they all seem to know about me, but, to be honest, it does concern me a little.  His whole department is female – except for the creepy old sexual-harrassment-case-waiting-to-happen guy.  And they’re close.  They talk to each other outside of work, go for drinks all the time, and know most things about each other’s personal lives.  This is where the trust comes in – not only trusting that he’ll make the right choices when we’re not together, but also trusting myself that whatever situation I’m in, I know it’ll turn out how it’s supposed to and that I will be better off in the end.    Of course, right now, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy. 

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.” –Frank Crane

Doubts are nothing more than a lack of trust in the workings of the Universe.  Lately, I’ve had some doubts.  Last weekend was great – my sister and her husband were here, we went to my step-brother’s wedding, and they got to know Justin.  My brother-in-law and Justin were instant best friends.  They talked and talked and talked and my sister and I discussed the similarities between them.  They’re both new-age sensitive guys, wanting to talk about feelings and hopes and dreams, but also loving the manly things in life – Harleys, guitars, kung fu. 

But in the midst of all of this getting along, I started to have doubts.  Doubts about if I deserve a great guy like Justin, doubts about if he could be the one and doubts about if I can see us together years down the road.  We talked last night and he wants to know the things that bother me about him.  Okay, there’s the smoking – not the most attractive habit, and I would hope if we have kids that he would quit by then, but I also know I can’t make him do anything.  He has a lot of friends who are girls – which I can understand – he’s a great friend, and being so sensitive, he’s a great friend to girls, but of course, with my past, I’m a little nervous about that.  I saw pictures of his baby’s mama last night.  She’s cute and some of the pictures were from April of this year.  There were pictures of them together, maybe standing a little too close, which made me wonder a little bit. 

So I thought about those things that bother me about him, but then a little Dr. Phil voice started speaking to my subconscious, telling me how I need to focus on the good things about him.  He is very attentive to me.  He sees things in me that sometimes I’m not aware of.  He wants to make me happy and wants to fulfill my needs.  He listens to what I say and remembers those things.  He’s considerate – opening doors and refusing to let me pay.  He’s trying to expand my horizons in terms of music, movies and activities.  He encourages me to find my dream job.  He challenges me to improve myself, improve my communication skills and to explore my possibilities.  And I love him for all of that.  Focusing on those things gives me a lot more warm fuzzies and helps me to trust in the Universe and trust that we are here, together, for a purpose. 

He gave me one of his shirts to sleep in last night.  It’s a button up shirt, looks like something you could wear to work on the car – blue striped, with a patch on the chest pocket that says – Justin.  And I felt slightly guilty for wearing it – knowing that the name Justin has a little bit more meaning in my life than he knows.  But at the same time, it’s his, not JC’s, and so it has a special meaning on its own. 

I was missing JC yesterday.  I don’t know why.  Maybe because I couldn’t wait to hear how his Father’s Day with his daughter went or to hear about the things going on at work.  So I talked to him for an hour yesterday afternoon and I got all caught up on his life.  And I realized that we only talked about my life for a short time, because it really is all about him, and I’ve made it all about him.  Our relationship was all about him, and this friendship (or whatever it is that we have now) is all about him too.  At that point, I didn’t miss him as much.   

So I went to the gym with Justin.  He worked me out, encouraging me where I needed encouragement and pushing me where I needed pushing.  I’m sore today – and it feels great!  We signed up for a fitness assessment on Wednesday – weight and body fat measurements.  And although I don’t really want him to know those numbers, I also know that if he did know, it wouldn’t make a difference to him – and that makes him even more amazing!!

Women’s intuition rocks.  The ‘L’ Bomb dropped last night.  In less than two weeks of dating, Justin told me he loved me.  And I told him that I loved him back.  A lot of people in my life would freak out if they knew that we’ve had that conversation already.  But the way I feel about it is this: 

·        The world needs more love – if you feel it, why not say it?

·        I’ve got my eyes open going into this – if it feels right, I’ll stay here; if it doesn’t, I’ll move on.  Right now, it feels right.

·        Some people seem to think that I should tip-toe into this because of what’s happened in the past.  But at this point, I’m better prepared to deal with WHATEVER happens – good or bad.  And I’m not living in my past – I’ve learned from it and I’m moving on.

·        They also think that I should be guarded, and I admit, that I still am a little, but why should I not expect the best and expect that everything will turn out great?  Why live in negative thinking and negative expectations?  Yes, something bad might happen, but again, I know I can deal with it no matter what.

·        Finally – back to my favorite quote by Wayne Dyer:  “What you think of me is none of my business.”  I have to do what makes me happy and right now, I’m happy. 

Life is good.

This may be my last post for a while.  Justin and I won the lottery last night – $46 million.  Well, according to The Secret, we won the lottery.  He told me he’d call me when the numbers had been confirmed, but strangely enough, I haven’t heard from him.  Hmm.  Oh well, so I suppose I may be here for a while longer – sometimes that power of positive thinking takes a little time to manifest, so in the meantime, a little patience. 

I think an L bomb is going to be dropped soon.  I have a feeling I’m just going to be minding my own damn business and Justin’s going to hit me with it.  He told me the other night that he wants me to fall madly in love with him.  Then last night as I was cooking him dinner, he kept singing “Loving you…”  Could’ve been he just heard that song on his way over, but I’m thinking it was deliberately aimed at me.  So I expect that he’ll be saying those three words soon.  And how do I feel about this declaration of emotions?  Strangely enough, I’m okay with it.  It’s only been two weeks, but you know, I’m enjoying the ride and enjoying each day for what it is.  I’m not anticipating or dreading future events that may or may not happen – I’m just having fun NOW. 

The other question is – if Justin dropped an L bomb, would I say it back?  I might.  But in my living in the moment-ness, I apologize, dear readers, but I just can’t give away the ending quite yet!  When it happens, however, you’ll be the first to know!  

I’m going to my step-brother’s wedding this weekend.  They’ve been dating for 8 years, so I guess it’s about time.  I wish Justin was going, but unfortunately, he didn’t muster up the nerve to talk to me until after I had to send in the RSVP.  But, with my family all around, he’ll get to meet my brother tonight and my sister tomorrow.  And I know they’ll like him because I like him.  And if I choose to love him, I’m sure they’ll love him too.

There is something to this Law of Attraction – aka The Secret.  Justin asked me last night, why I’m suddenly attracted to him, if I’d never been attracted to white guys before?  The best answer I could come up with is that I’ve never been open to white guys before.  Over the last few months, I really focused on wanting to find the person who treats me with respect, regardless of the physical appearances.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want someone I wasn’t physically attracted to – I still think attraction is important, but I opened my mental picture of what’s attractive.  And then I thought back to the many times I’d be walking in the mall.  I could walk pass 100 white men and not one would look at me.  There would be one black guy – and he’d be the one checking me out.  Why is that?  Because I wasn’t open to white guys!  The Law of Attraction in full force.  I was pulling in what I was putting out. 

And now Justin is all about The Secret.  He warned me after we watched the DVD that he has a problem.  He thinks BIG.  I said – um yeah, that’s only a problem if you think it is!  So he’s decided that we (notice the “we”) are winning the lottery tomorrow night.  $46 million.  He told me his plan for after we win and how we’ll go house shopping and car shopping, the places we’ll travel, but all of the things we’ll do for other people too.  We even had an in depth conversation about whether the cash or annuity option is better and how many accountants, lawyers and financial planners we’d need.  And he’s serious.   

Unrelated to our lottery winnings, he asked me what kind of diamonds I like.  I’ve never been asked that before, but I didn’t hesitate to tell him.  One round diamond, platinum band, just like the Tiffany ring.  Of course this is right after he told me that I was going to have to marry him.  Once again I asked if he was proposing – just to clarify.  He said no, but then mentioned 7-7-07.  That’s when the diamonds came up.  On one hand, I see how we could be just joking about it.  But at the same time, I know we’re not.  Does that scare me and make me want to run like the wind?  Strangely, no.  Does it make me expect anything from him on 7-7-07?  Not really.  So, wait a minute, this is what going with the flow feels like?  I’m relaxed with no expectations, having fun with him in this moment and I’m really kind of like it!