My horoscope:

The month’s second full moon will fall on May 31 in your house of true love. You’ll have a beautiful event to go to, one that will be a “must do” on your list. This full moon will be in beautiful angle to Mars, and to generous, luxurious Jupiter, too. You may also hear a lovely confession of love, or other thrilling developments in your closest romantic relationship (even something like news that you both will expect a baby!)

Life will get better at the month’s blue moon (the month’s second full moon, May 31, plus or minus four days). A romantic experience is about to make your heart skip beats. Watch and see!

Well, okay then – who can argue with that?  And even more baffling is that I do have a date tonight.  I met this guy online and this will be our first meeting.  He’s VERY excited to meet me, but I’m just trying to go with the flow – not getting overly excited or depressed about anything – just enjoying life and taking things as they happen.  And for the record, there will be NO baby making happening today, regardless of what my horoscope says!!

What you think of me is none of my business.–Wayne Dyer 

I had my first Body For Life weigh-in this weekend.  It’s been 4 weeks – and I’ve done really well with the exercise, not so well with the eating – and my results reflected that!  As they say on Celebrity Fit Club, the scale doesn’t lie!  I lost one pound in 4 weeks.  One freaking pound.  BUT, thanks to the weight training I lost 5 inches!  2 from my hips, 1.5 from my waist and .50 from my thigh, arm and bust.  And then I read an article about the Body For Life that said typical results over the 12 week period are losing 15 pounds of fat, but gaining 6 pounds of muscle.  That means the scale will only be 9 pounds less.  I can do that!   

After not seeing JC for 3 weeks, I spent some time with him this weekend.  And it was different.  We obviously still care about each other, but I think we’ve both come to terms with the fact that even though we love each other, that’s not necessarily enough to keep two people together.  There was a chance that he was going to be deployed with the dive team to
Grand Junction to go rescue a body in a canal.  They found out 5 minutes before they were to leave that the body had surfaced, so they weren’t needed, and to be honest, I was relieved.  I still can’t help but worry about him.  And I told him that I don’t know what his role is in my life and I don’t know what my role in his life is, but regardless, I do still care.  Honesty can be liberating.  But, I’m discovering that being honest with myself is the most liberating of all!

Life is so funny sometimes.  It just cracks me up.  So, I work in a huge office building with rows and rows of cubicles.  If you’re not careful, you’ll get lost and never be heard from again.  So, in the six months that I’ve worked here, I’ve noticed this guy a few rows down.  Not my usually type – in fact (are you sitting down?) – he’s a white guy.  Oh, the horror!!! 

Anyway, so a few weeks ago we were heating up our lunches at the same time, so we chatted a little then.  And have since started saying hi to each other in passing.  I find out he’s got the same first name as JC.  Great – I won’t have to change the monogrammed towels.  I googled him and it seems he’s got a 4yr old son – not necessarily married though – I figure I’ll eventually get the real story. 

So today, I’m heading to the bathroom (have to pass his row along the way), and he’s standing at his desk.  He sees me walk by.  And, as if he was waiting for me, on my way back, he’s heading right towards me.  He stops me and introduces himself.  He asks what department I’m in and what I do, so we talk a little about that.  The rest of the conversation goes like this: 

CWG (cute white guy):  I have a lot to do today, do you want to switch jobs?

Me:  No way!  My boss is taking our whole department to lunch today!  *Didn’t tell him we’re all going home after lunch – and that it’ll probably be a ‘drinking’ lunch!*

CWG:  No fair!  Now I’m hurt.

Me:  No worries – I’ll be sure to get you an invite next time.  *flashing the pearly whites and realizing that I left it open for us to have non-work related extracurricular activities* 

So yeah, he’s cute.  If he were smart, he’d look me up in our internal system and send me an IM professing his undying love for me.  Oh wait, no.  Scratch that.  If he were smart, he’d look me up in our internal system and send me an IM inviting me to lunch someday – and then we’d go from there.  All things in their own time. 

But I guess there’s a reason for everything though.  When I got back to my desk, I grabbed some paper towels to get rid of the dust bunny convention that was happening on my desk, and in the process of cleaning, I took the remaining picture of JC and put it in my desk.  I’ve told one of my coworkers that we’re not together anymore…but if for some reason CWG stops by, I need him to know that I’m available!  Being READY on the other hand, is a whole different story.  We’ll address that in another post on another day!

I just ate a huge chocolate muffin and now I feel sick.  So why did I do that?  It looked good.  It tasted good, but it’s sooooo not part of my diet!  Oh chocolate muffin, why do you tempt me so?  But I can’t feel guilty – at the time, the chocolate muffin was exactly what I wanted.  And now I pay the price.  Have a lighter lunch.  Do better next time.  And exercise more tonight.   

Speaking of that, Monday will be four weeks on the Body For Life program.  That means I weigh and measure in order to update the progress.  From the sounds of it, you aren’t really supposed to see big results until after six weeks, and to be perfectly honest, the chocolate muffin hasn’t been my first slip-up.  Doh.  But I’ve been doing really well with the exercising.  As a matter of fact, I signed up for a 5-mile race in July.  Five weeks to train!  I go girl! 

I’ve got a 4-day weekend coming up.  My goal is to clean, exercise, cook healthy meals and exercise some more.  I’m going to some health/fitness event at Washington Park where they’ll do body fat testing for you, so I may get that done, just because I’m curious.  Otherwise, I’m sleeping in and taking time for me.  I love that!!  Of course, deep down, time for me is so much more fun with someone else, but for now, it has to be just me! 

OMG.  So the conference this weekend was unbelievable!  Just to tell you how amazing it was – on the plane last night, we backed away from the gate and a light came on in the cockpit, so we had to have the mechanics look at.  That was okay, but then they shut down takeoffs due to wind for a while, then we were like the 10^th plane in line to take off, then when landing in Denver we had to go around the north side because of wind here too.  Normally, any one of those things would’ve stressed me out, but I was completely at peace.  Weird, huh?  But hella cool to feel this way! 

Our first speaker was Bill Phillips – Body For Life guru.  He was incredible and really got my psyched to take care of myself.  He said something about how we all need sunlight – I know that’s true – I get depressed without sun!  And I’d never thought about this, but all of the fruits and veggies we eat, grow from sun, so we get sun from those too.  Those are all “living” foods.  Everything else that’s processed, sugared, etc, etc – that’s all dead food.  Wow. 

So then I see Iyanla Vanzant.  From the moment she walked in the room, the whole place lit up.  She was funny, motivating and the same time, made me cry.  Her husband – someone she’d known 37 years – left her for another woman.  She spent days in bed crying and on her first trip out of the house, she had a realization.  She was in love.  She loved with the other woman.  She loved her for giving him something she couldn’t.  She loved her for making him happy where she wasn’t.  That, my friends, is true forgiveness. 

Then we went on to see Byron Katie.  She was amazing too!  She talked about the four questions you need to ask when you think negative thoughts about someone.  1.  Is it true?  2.  Can I absolutely know it’s true?  (Is it a fact or opinion?) 3.  How do you react/feel when you think that thought?  4.  Who would you be without the thought?  Then from there, you have to turn it around.  For example, there was girl that was upset that her sister had chosen her husband over the family.  Turns out her sister’s husband had molested her when she was 10yrs old.  So she said “I am angry that my sister chose her husband over me.  Yes, it’s true.  I don’t know if it’s absolutely true.”  She went onto answer about who she thought she’d be without that thought, but then she had to turn around her initial statement.  So, instead she said “I am angry that I chose her husband over my sister.”  And she was shocked.  She realized that SHE had let that get in the way of her relationship with her sister.  A light bulb moment.  Incredible to witness. 

We also saw Wayne Dyer talk for a minute, then saw Doreen Virtue, a psychic, talk about angels.  Long day, but worth it!  On Sunday, we saw Dr. Christiane Northrup.  She’s an OB/GYN and she talked about menopause and women’s bodies – a little bit more medical technical, but you know I love that stuff!   

Then I saw Denise Marek – the worry expert.  Her class was great – taught me how to deal with worry and the questions to ask myself when I’m faced with worries that are stressing me out.  One of the examples she used was about Mother Theresa.  She was working in a soup kitchen and one of the other ladies would serve soup with disgust.  These people were dirty and smelly and she wanted them to move through the line quickly.  Mother Theresa sent her home.  She said that until she could see these people with beauty, she didn’t need to be there.  She talked about how we are all broken, but in that brokenness emerges a beautiful mosaic that we are all part of.  The other thing she said was instead of asking “What if?”, we need to ask “What is?”  That brings us to the present and keeps us thinking of the things we can actually do something about.  So, instead of asking “What if?”, take the F off and ask “What is?”  F off!  She thought that was hysterical.  Ha ha! 

From there, we heard Deepak Chopra.  Whoa.  He’s deep.  I wrote down a lot of things he said, to be looked at later.  It was just a little much for me right at that moment.  He talked about how this world is like Christmas lights.  You know how it looks like the lights are moving – chasing each other in a pattern?  In reality, each individual light is blinking on and off.  That’s just like this world, but we only see the on position.  He talked about what exactly is out there in the off position – the things we can see, feel, hear with this body that we are temporarily given to house our spirit.  It was a lot of Buddha and enlightenment talk, but fascinating, nonetheless. 

So this morning, I have not a worry in the world.  Crazy, huh?  I am truly at peace with everything in my life because I know that it will all be okay.  I’m not worried about getting married, having babies, my career, money, anything like that!  I know that whatever happens, I can deal with it and whatever doesn’t happen, I can deal with that too.  I’m happy with the person I am and even more so with the person I’m becoming.  Life is good!!

There was this man who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water.  He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. Another man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him. But the man said: “It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?”  Don’t give up loving… Don’t give up your goodness… Even if the people around you STING.

We really can have whatever we want in life.  The true battle is knowing what we want and knowing how to ask for it. 

Yesterday, I was craving a chocolate chip cookie…REALLY badly.  (Has to be because of my raging PMS!)  Everyone I talked to knew about my quest for the cookie.  But, it’s not my free day, so I suppressed my desire and worked out hard last night instead.  This morning I come into work and what’s on my desk?  A big chocolate chip cookie with big CHUNKS of chocolate.  One of my coworkers (yes, the cheater), brought it for me.  He heard me ranting about it yesterday and he knows that when a woman wants chocolate, she needs chocolate.  But if I wouldn’t have said anything, I wouldn’t have gotten my cookie! 

My cookie is small in the scheme of life, but if I can have my cookie, I can have everything else too.  It may take time and it may take repeated tries, but everything I want is attainable!  I need to speak up though!  Whether I’m telling people I know, or asking my spirit guides or higher power, I need to put it out there!!! 

The other weird thing is that I woke up at 2:30 this morning.  No reason, I just did.  And when I woke up, I was happy.  That’s a bizarre feeling.  I don’t know if I had a dream or if it was the crack I smoked earlier (kidding!), but I really was happy and secure with where I’m at in life – all at 2:30am.  Of course I went back to sleep and woke up tired and not as happy because I had to get up and go to work, but I’m still okay today!  Life is good.  I may just go shoe shopping at lunch time. 

At the Intuitive class last night, I learned how to become more in tune with my hunches and intuition…and how to hear what it’s saying and see where it’s leading me.  A lot of times, we turn off our sixth sense, and the reason we do is because of fear.  We have fear about what people will think of us, we have fear about the outcome and we lose trust in the guidance of the Universe.  We want to control situations, control people and protect ourselves from taking risks where we might get hurt. 

We did this exercise where we had to find a partner and for a few minutes, we had to talk to that person while they just sat and listened, with no response.  Each of our sentences had to start with, “If I wasn’t afraid, I would…”  Wow.  We weren’t to edit our responses, we were to just start talking and let it flow.  At the end, my partner said to me “I never knew that about myself!”  But, I noticed that I did edit myself.  I knew my partner and I was afraid of what she would think, I was nervous that what I would say would make me cry and maybe, a little, I was even scared to say those things out loud.  So instead, I’m going to confess them here. 

If I wasn’t afraid, I would…·        Let JC go from my heart completely and really be open to new love – and all the risks of heartache that come with it.·        Figure out what I want to do with my life and find a career that I love – not what’s practical and not just taking the opportunities that come along.·        Despite what my mama taught me, I would talk to strangers and be more outgoing.·        Go new places by myself – explore the world and not care what people think!·        Let go of my fear of never reproducing and enjoy the life that I have now, trusting that if and when the time is right, those little sperms (the RIGHT little sperms) will make their way to where they need to be. 

As you can see, I have a lot of work to do because I have a lot of fears.  I’ve let fear take over my intuitive self and instead of trusting that I will be guided, I fear that I won’t, so I try to control.  Crazy, vicious cycle.  So starting with the small things and working my way up to the above list, I’m starting to trust my intuition.  I’m going to notice the small “hits” of intuition that I get and will appreciate every ounce of guidance I receive.  

I’m very excited for this weekend because I’m really feeling like I need to be at this conference for some reason – other than the whole personal growth thing.  Little things keep happening that are reassuring me that I need to be there.  The psychic mentioned one of the authors that will be there, and when I got home, I had an email regarding her new book.  On my Codependent’s message board, someone mentioned another one of the authors, and these are people I’ve never heard of before!  So, there is some reason I need to be in Vegas this weekend – I trust my intuition and trust that the reason will be revealed as the weekend unfolds! 

This upcoming weekend is the I CAN DO IT! Conference in Vegas.  I’m seriously hoping for a life changing experience.  I need it and I’m ready for it.  JC has apparently decided that he’s not calling me at all anymore, yet he’ll text me to invite me to join him at Broncos games next season because “he loves me”.  Huh? Maybe he’s bi-polar.  Or just slightly crazy.  It’s interesting, though, because it seems to have given me back control in this relationship.  And I use the term “relationship” very loosely.  I finally know what to expect from him…I know that if I don’t call him, he’s not going to call me.  I’ve known it’s over for a while now, but I suppose I’ve been hanging on to that last little thread of hope that he’ll somehow snap out of his lies and deceit.  Deep down, I know better – it’s part of who he is and he’s not willing to do anything to change it.  It’s his comfort zone and he likes it there.  Strangely enough, my newfound “control” doesn’t make it hurt any less though. 

In the meantime, I’ve been reminding myself that we are given exactly what we need at exactly the right moment.  And the right people enter our lives at exactly the right moment too.  For whatever reason, I haven’t been ready for my future husband to enter my life.  So I’m focused on preparing for that and trusting that when I’m ready, it’ll happen, I’ll recognize him, and I’ll be ready to accept the gift of love that he’s offering me. 

Until then, I’ve been talking to the not-so-right people – interviewing applicants, if you will.  I had a date Saturday night.  He was really nice and sweet and he was cute too, but he’s got a gambling problem and turns out he dated JC’s “other woman” on and off for five years!  Um yeah, gonna have to pass on that one.  I am very proud of myself for seeing these red flags and not allowing it to go any further.  I’m expecting nothing less than the best and if these men aren’t the best, then all I can say is “NEXT!”   

(INNER VOICE SPEAKING:  So why am I having such a hard time saying that with JC?!?  Hmm.) 

And it seems that random people are noticing me now too.  It’s funny how when you’re not open to a new relationship, no one approaches you or really even looks at you, but when you are open, people notice.  The laws of attraction, I suppose.  You attract what you put off.  And I was reading last night about “being” the person you want to attract.  If you want someone who is friendly, outgoing and caring, be that person and you’ll attract someone with similar qualities. 

To further explore this journey, I’m going to see the psychic tomorrow.  Her topic is Living An Intuitive Life.  Everyone has gut feelings, so how do we tune into those feelings, understand why we are feeling what we are feeling and how do we act on them?  My gut feeling tells me I need to be there tomorrow night, so I’m going.  And I’m curious to see what tomorrow’s meditation will bring – Wizard of Oz characters, zebras or crazy rainbows.  Who knows what my insane mind will come up with when I let it loose.  Really, I’m not on any mind-altering drugs.  I promise!!! 

Just when I think I’ve got this all figured out, it changes.  I’m having a really hard day.  It’s hard to wake up alone.  It’s hard not to hear that someone loves you before you venture out into the world.  And it’s hard to know that when you get home from work, no one will be there waiting for you then either.  Basically, it’s hard to be alone.   

If I win the lottery, I’ve got no one to celebrate with.  If I need to meet the cable guy, I have to do it.  If the computer breaks, I have to figure out how to fix it.  I have to pay all of the household bills.  I have to clean my house, cook my own dinner, take care of myself when I’m sick and keep myself entertained when I’m not.  And it sucks.  I have no one to schedule vacations with, no one to go to special events with, and no one to cuddle with me on the couch.  My neighborhood is having a BBQ this weekend.  I refuse to show up alone, not knowing anyone.  Why would I want to see how happily married these people are?  And why would I want to see how well behaved their 2.4 children are?  The BBQ will be great for them…like pulling teeth for me. 

My step-brother called my mom last night.  He feels horrible.  He addressed the invitation to his wedding to me and JC and he just heard what happened from my other brother.  Of course, now he feels bad.  It’s not like he could’ve known because none of us knew, but still, I feel bad that I made him feel bad. It’s Friday. 

I’m supposed to be thrilled about the idea of the weekend.  But, for what?  At least when I’m at work, I’m around people.  When I go home, there’s nothing but aloneness.  Why is that something to look forward to? 

I guess at least I get to go to Vegas next weekend.  With my mom.  I love my mom dearly, but it’s just not the same as going to Vegas with someone you’re in love with.  And I get to see my sister, who is extremely angry and hurt about what’s JC has done, so I’m sure we’ll get to relive that whole experience all over again, which will be great fun for me.  I’m sure she’ll tell me how she really expected us to get married or how she doesn’t understand why I can’t find someone who treats me right or should she just get rid of the baby equipment she’s been holding for me in her garage?   

Somehow I get the feeling that today isn’t going to be the worst of it…so I suppose I should be thankful for today.  At least I’m not spending the day in bed – ALONE.  I’ll save that for tomorrow and Sunday.