I actually went to church this weekend.  How insane is that??  It was different than the stand up-sit down-kneel routine I’m used to.  The pastor talked about love.  He talked about loving with maximum velocity and I think I finally understand what love is.  It’s genuine, it’s real and it’s a hard thing to master! 

In the past, I haven’t really known how to love.  When I love and have done things for people out of what I thought was love, I’ve expected a benefit in return.  When I donate to a charity, it’s not just to donate – it’s for the tax deduction.  If I bought something for JC, it was because, ultimately, I wanted him to love me more.  If I took care of his needs, doing all the wifey duties like laundry, picking up prescriptions, etc. – it was because I wanted him to see all the great things he was getting for being in a relationship with me.  If I was able to get us something good whether it was a great deal on airfare or tickets to a sporting event, I’d ask him, “How much do you love me?” before I told him what I’d gotten.  I realize now that those things are completely unrelated!!! 

Is it possible to give love, without expecting something in return?  Like I said, it’s a hard thing to master, but that’s what real love is – loving people so that their lives will improve and be fuller, without any benefit for me.  I do think we get something in return though – it’s receiving appreciation from the Universe (God), and really, that should be enough.  It’s trusting that because we give love, we will receive love.  Once again, it comes down to believing that all things happen for a reason and we will be given everything we want and need when it’s the right time. 

When it’s the right time, I will find the right man to spend my life with.  When it’s the right time, we will have a gorgeous family.  And until it’s the right time, I continue to work on loving myself, loving others and loving life! 

Body For Life starts tomorrow!  So of course this weekend, I ate all the good stuff – lots of ice cream and sugary foods!  I’m not sure why – I can have it on Monday (my free day) if I want, so it’s not like I’m saying goodbye forever!  I’ve done a lot of planning for this next week – my meals, my exercise – all planned out – and I’m excited to stick to it!!  Inspired by The Secret, I’m focusing on how proud I’ll be next weekend, knowing that I’ve stuck to the program for an entire week.  And from there, I’ll succeed another week, and another week, and another week because I know it’s going to feel amazing!! 

JC said something to me this weekend that made me really think.  He’s followed the Body For Life program before and has been great if I have questions about the details of the program.  Well, he called and said “What’s up, Nicole For Life?”  Nicole For Life.    That’s who I am and that’s all I’ve got.  I’m ME for life.  So why not be the best ME I can be??  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I’m responsible for my life, for the decisions I make, for the way I treat myself, physically and emotionally, and for where I’m at.  I’ve put myself here.  Everything I’ve done in treating myself with a lack of respect has brought me to this moment.  JC said it jokingly, but I still don’t think he understands the effect it had on me.  Just like Tupac and his Thug Life attitude…I’m Nicole For Life.  Gotta be true to me, trust me and believe in me because I’m all I’ve got!

Whew.  It’s been a rough 24 hours.  I went to the shrink yesterday – he made me feel like shit.  The “tough love” approach doesn’t work for me.  I asked him how I’m supposed to just stop caring about JC.  His answer “Like Nike – Just Do It!”  Um, yeah, I need a little more than that!  I can’t remember if that was before or after he called me a “train wreck”.  Thanks for that.   

So I’m dumping my therapist.  That’s part of my healing process too.  I realize that my relationship with JC has been on his terms, and I’ve let it be.  It has been all about what’s he wanted, so it’s about damned time that I start getting what I want.  And the first thing I want is to not go to that therapist anymore!  So I’m going to call him this weekend, cancelling my appointment for next week and letting him know that I won’t be back.  And next week I will search for another one – hopefully a female – because girls rock.   

In the meantime, I’m going to take baby steps with JC.  I’ve told him it’s over, but again, because he doesn’t want it to be (or he knows I don’t really want that either), he continues to call me and I continue to talk to him.  My new plan is to start taking small steps because going cold turkey is too traumatic for me right now.  Up to this point, when he calls, I’ve always answered.  I still like to talk to him, and I can’t seem to help that.  So my goal is to NOT answer when he calls.  Just one time so I know I can do it.  And maybe I need to leave my phone out of reach, or turn off the ringer – whatever it takes.  And if he leaves a message, I will wait a minimum of 3 hours to return his call.  You may not think this is a big deal, but this is huge for me!   

Eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later), instead of returning his call, I’m going to send him a text message.  The message will say “I need some time alone to deal with some things.  I’ll call you in a few days.”  And we’ll see where it goes from there…but those are the first steps.  A journey of a thousand miles starts with that first step.   

The other thing I’m changing in my life is that, other than my blog, I’m not going to talk about JC.  Whatever you talk about, that’s what you’re focused on.  So in not talking about him, I’m going to take my focus away from him.  I may need to vent every once in a while, but I’m not going to give him my talking energy anymore – and I’m hoping with that, he won’t be the center of my thoughts anymore either.  Again, just weaning myself off, but at the same time, I know my friends and family are tired of hearing about him too – so it’s a win-win situation! 

On an even more positive note, I’m starting to plan my meals and workouts for when I start the Body For Life program May 1^st.  It’s really pretty easy.  Eat 5-6 small meals per day (every 3 hours).  Lots of fruits and veggies.  Low fat dairy, egg whites, cottage cheese, whole grains, no sugar.  All of the things we KNOW we should be doing!  And exercise of course – 30 minutes of cardio 4 times per week and weights 3 times per week.  Okay, I can do this!  And of course, the important free day where I get whatever I want.  How much fun is this going to be?!?  I’ve already planned 3 workouts next week – and they are written on my calendar like an appointment.  An appointment with myself because I’m the most important person in my life!   

I take my starting measurements on Sunday, and then don’t take them again until after I’ve been on the program 4 weeks.  Although I’m hoping for weight loss, I understand that with the exercise I’ll be doing, I’m more likely to see inches lost – I’ll take that too!  It’s all part of getting down to my fighting weight.  But it’s not what you think.  My “fighting weight” isn’t a number you can see on the scale and honestly, has nothing to do with my weight.  It’s that ah-ha moment where I feel confident, secure and prepared to take on any challenge.  It’s the moment where I recognize that I can attract great things in my life because I respect and honor myself and will accept nothing less than exactly what I want!!

I’m disappointed in men.  Even guys that you think are good guys are sometimes up to no good.  Let me tell you a story about one of the guys I work with.   

He’s married with a 2-year old son.  He’s 30 and he and his wife have been married for 7 years.  He left yesterday to take his son to the doctor, so I had to finish up some things on his computer.  While I’m working on his computer, he gets an IM that says “What’s your favorite smell?”  Okay, that’s a pretty intimate question.  I shouldn’t have done this, but I looked at the IM history between him and this girl.  It’s definitely more intimate than it should be for a married man – she’s talking about how she’s been initiating their conversations more lately, so she’s wondering what’s up with him.  He says that he doesn’t want to be like the man that messed up his family and plus he wanted to give her time because she was going to get back with her ex.   

She said that she had missed him and that she bought a book for him to read to his son.  She asked for his address.  He gave her an apartment address and she was impressed that he trusted her with that.  Um yeah, in reality, he just bought a brand new house no where near this apartment.   

My thought:  HOLY SHIT, HE’S A CHEATER TOO!  Well, I look up this girl in the company directory.  She’s actually in
California, so there’s probably no physical relationship, but he shouldn’t be talking to this girl when he’s got a gorgeous wife at home.  Not that her being gorgeous has anything to do with it, but still, it’s wrong. 

I’m so extremely disappointed in him.  I’ve told him some of my drama with JC and he’s been a great listener and offers some good advice from a male perspective.  He even asked me today how JC and I were doing (I didn’t tell him about the cheating, but he knows there are problems.)  It’s not my place to say something to him about this girl because I shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place, but still, it changes my view of him greatly. 

And then I wonder, do all men do this?  Are there really men out there who are faithful and still fantasize about their wives while interacting with other women at work?  I don’t understand the mentality.  Does he really want to risk losing his wife and son – or does that even matter to him?  It makes me so sad to see this kind of blatant disrespect running rampant in the world.  

And then of course I start to wonder, is it me?  Am I putting faith in the totally wrong type of guy?  Should I have been able to recognize that he’d do something like that too?  I know this isn’t about me, but still, I feel like, in light of recent events, I must be a horrible judge of character!  What does that say about me?? 

UPDATE:  I told my sister about JC.  She’s ready to tear his head off, and rightfully so.  But she’s not going to say anything to my dad or my nephews yet, which is a relief to me.  I’m not quite ready to deal with that whole mess.  And of course, it didn’t really help when she said “Oh my God, he made you look like a fool!”  Thanks, Sis.  I already feel like a fool, but it’s great that you pointed it out to me again! 

So I have a new mantra in life.  This one comes straight from the late great Tupac Shakur: “Keep ya head up, legs closed, eyes open.”  Thanks Tupac – you always did know just how to say it! 

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” 

Everything is going to get better.  I’m better off today than I was a month ago and I’ll be better off in a month than I am today.  That’s the only option!

If you don’t know what you want, how will you know when you have it? 

In checking my Blackplanet account, I got an email from some random guy.  On his page, it said – IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE IT?  That really has me thinking. 

I had a roller coaster weekend again.  I signed up on match.com Friday night.  Decided Saturday that I soooo wasn’t ready for that because, how am I supposed to be open to meeting new men when I’m still head over heels in love with someone else?  That’s not fair to anyone.  Didn’t help that I went to JC’s friend’s house on Saturday to watch the UFC fight.  We got to fake like everything was okay, which of course made Sunday a hard day for me when I woke up and realized it’s really not okay, no matter how much we fake it. 

So back to my point, if you don’t know what you want, how will you know when you have it?  I go back and forth with what I want.  I want JC.  I can’t have JC.  I want someone else.  No, I want JC.  I want to punch JC in the gut.  I want JC.  He doesn’t want me. Oh, but wait, maybe he does?  If you don’t really know what you want, does it make any sense to struggle with the options?  As with all things in life, if you just sit back, relax, enjoy the ride and trust that the right path will reveal itself in time, you’ll find what you want and you’ll know when you have it too.   

May 1^st, I’m starting the Body For Life.  It’s a 12-week transformation program that includes eating right and exercising.  It’s no coincidence that my 31^st birthday is in 12 weeks.  My mom has done it before and when she did it, it was her focus in life – it takes a ton of planning.  Not just meal planning, but making exercise dates with myself, and really putting me and my goals first.  I need that in my life right now and I can make the commitment to work on me for the next 12 weeks.  It’s the least I can do for myself.    And my mom will be doing it too, so I’ll have that extra accountability.  Tonight I start reading the book that tells the specifics and tonight, I start planning my transformation.  Best part about the program is that I get a free day where I get to do whatever I want, so if I can stick with it for 6 days, I’ll get my pizza and ice cream – for breakfast, lunch and dinner – and I don’t have to feel guilty about it!     

Does a free day work with my emotional life too?  I wonder if I commit to keeping a positive attitude and being self-pity-free for 6 days, if it would work to let myself be depressed on the 7^th day?  And maybe 6 days is too much.  Maybe if I allow myself one hour per day to wallow in my pathetically horrific situation, I’ll be able to keep it together the rest of the day.  Interesting thought.  Maybe I’ll try that.  Okay, tonight between 8pm and 9pm, I’ll be feeling bad for the situation I’m in, feeling sorry for myself and feeling all of those negative emotions running through my mind and my heart – and I just might even shed a tear or two!  But at 9:01, I wipe my eyes, blow my nose, perk up my head and trust that everything happens for a reason and I will be better off and stronger for having gone through this!!  I may just be on to something here!!

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” – Marcel Pagnol This quote so much reflects how I feel today. I miss JC. I know that our relationship had some obviously huge flaws, but I miss having him with me. I miss seeing him everyday, I miss him next to me as I sleep. I miss who I thought he was. And today, I feel like crap. My heart hurts and my future looks bleak. I wonder if I’ll ever love someone the way I loved JC. I really thought he was it, I really thought he was the one I’d been searching for and to have your hopes and dreams crushed like just sucks. I’m just going to leave it at that for today. Sorry I’m not more uplifting, but I’m having a rough day!! ROAR!!!

The Intuitive Class last night couldn’t have been more perfect or more timely.  The topic was Nurturing Your Spirit.  She talked about how we spend hours taking care of our bodies – feeding it food and vitamins, exercising, going to the doctor, etc.  But really, what do we do to take care of our spirit?  Our bodies are the holding place for our spirit and when our bodies die, our spirit lives on, so doesn’t it make more sense to nurture our spirit?  But what does our spirit need and what can we do to nurture it? 

·        Balance – Giving and Receiving.  Most of us are really good at giving, but when we receive a compliment, we downplay it like we don’t deserve it.  We do!!  And as we learn to accept more gifts in life and be thankful for what we are given, the Universe will see that and give us even more! 

·        Inner Child / Passion – Play.  Have fun.  Take the afternoon off work and go walk barefoot in the park.  If you ask children what they want to do when they grow up, they’ll give you a list of things, no matter how realistic.  As we get older, we see why that won’t work, so be creative, let your mind wander without fear and without limitation.

·        Joy / Laughter – Laughing makes you feel good and it heals the body too!  Spend a day watching funny movies or just being stupid with friends.  Even better if the movie is a random sci-fi show about the naked guy with the bird head diving off pyramids in the sky and collecting the tears of people with transparent heads. 

·        Forgiveness / Healing – We beat ourselves up for mistakes we make.  We stay angry for mistakes other people make.  Let it go.  It takes a ton of energy to stay mad – at ourselves OR others!

·        Self-Acceptance / Love – Really, the only thing everyone is looking for is love.  Whether it’s a relationship we love, career we love – we crave love.  Have you ever known someone who just radiates love?  Could be a grandmother, a friend, etc.  Being around that person relaxes you and makes you feel good – why not become that person? 

So that’s how you nurture your spirit.  She also talked about taking leaps of faith and how we’d all really like a net.  But no form of REAL trust comes with a guarantee.  And no form of trust comes with fear.  Interesting… 

Last night, I told JC how I felt.  Because he is incapable of telling me what he wants from this relationship, I have to assume I’m single.  If he wanted me, he’d work hard to have me – he’d make the effort, he’d go to counseling without pressure from me, he’d WANT to change.  But he doesn’t.  His reaction?  None.  He listened, but when it was his turn to talk, he had nothing to say.  So he calls me last night after the class and asks how it was, tells me about his night, tells me to have a good day today and to sleep well.  Then he says “Good night.  I love you.”  Um, did we NOT have a conversation earlier???  He acted like nothing happened!  That kid really has some issues he needs to deal with. 

And so we did a meditation in this class last night.  I think I was trying too hard because I had trouble, but when I did really let my mind relax, guess what I saw?  Zebras.  HUH?  I don’t even like zebras!!  But I was at the zoo looking at zebras.  In dreams, zebras are interpreted as being able to see both sides of an issue or seeing things clearly – literally “in black and white”.  Crazy. 

As I panned out from what I was seeing, I realized I was pushing a stroller and there was a man with me.  Couldn’t tell you who he was – he was taller than me and as he kissed me on the forehead, I knew that he genuinely wanted to be there and was happy to be there with me and our child.  And it brought me peace.  And today, I still feel peace.  I’ve told JC how I feel, I’ve told him where I’m at and that’s all I can do.  The rest is up to the Universe!

Love is not funny.  Last weekend, a recently divorced man sent a suicide note to his ex-wife.  He built a bomb and blew up himself and his house.  Yesterday, a man killed 32 people.  They suspect he was upset over a breakup with his girlfriend.   

So what is love really?  If you look up love in the dictionary, it defines the word as anything from “strong affection” to “attraction based on sexual desire” to “unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”.  And if that doesn’t work for you, it’s “a score of zero” – as in tennis.  (Ironic that love = zero though, huh??)  Seems to me like this is an extremely wide range of definitions.  But really, everyone has to have their own definition.  How many times have we heard – or said, “If he loved me, he would…(fill in the blank).”  But what if filling in the blank isn’t part of HIS definition of love? 

I do believe that JC loves me.  I believe that he loves me in the best way he knows how.  For people who don’t have love and respect for themselves, it’s very hard to love someone else.  I had expectations of his love.  I knew that he wasn’t too fond of himself, but I thought he would recognize my good qualities and see my huge heart and find a way to love me.  I expected him to rescue me, to make me feel that love I was craving – and to some extent, I think he expected the same of me…and of any girl he’s with, which is why he continues searching. 

But I finally understand why it’s so important to love yourself first – and I do wish I could convince JC of this.  The ways in which we need to be loved are as unique as fingerprints – without the knowledge and discovery of our individual needs and actually FEELING that love from inside first – we’ll never be able to find it or recognize it in someone else.  Oh, love – who knew it’d be so complicated?   

*big sigh* 

I must be making strides though – the shrink says I don’t have to go back until next week.  YEAH!  And tonight, I’m going to what’s called an Intuitive Class.  The speaker is a psychic/spiritual advisor.  She will lecture for an hour about some topic – spirit guides, finding your path, accepting change, etc.  Then she’ll do some readings – those always make me cry, and then a meditation.  The meditation is weird because when I’ve really let my mind go, it’s taken me to some very interesting places and some things that I was shocked to see.  So I’m looking forward to what my mind will tell me tonight, in light of all that’s been happening! 

Since I seem to be big on quotes lately, today we’ll use one from Lucille Ball.  Maybe the quotes are so profound to me because I’m so shocked that these people already knew the things I’m just now figuring out!!  What took me so long??? 

“LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND EVERYTHING FALLS INTO LINE.”

“Today you are YOU, that is truer than true.  There is no one alive who is Youer than You!” – Dr. Seuss 

I bought myself roses yesterday.  Twelve red – and they’re not just red, they’ve got a pattern with darker red – I’d never seen any like those and thought, you know, I deserve these!  JC never bought me flowers.  I don’t know if that’s just not something he does or if that’s too much of a commitment.  I bought them for me, so I could enjoy them, but the best part is that he saw them too – didn’t say anything, but I know he wondered where they came from.  Ha!   

My weekend was actually really good.  I don’t think I cried even one time – aside from when I watched The Lake House – cheesy chic flick, you can’t help but cry.  JC called me late Friday night after leaving work and asked if he could stay with me.  Like a retard, I said okay…then I asked why.  He said we hadn’t seen each other in a while.  THAT was his answer?!?  I asked again how he felt about all this – and still, he doesn’t know.  He doesn’t know how he feels, he doesn’t know what he wants.  To me, that speaks volumes – he is unwilling to make a commitment to me and unwilling to do the work it would take to make this relationship successful.  I wanted to talk to him and tell him how I feel – that I’m done making any effort and that I’m accepting the fact that I’m single, but after all of his I DON’T KNOWS, I really didn’t feel a need to say anything else about it.   

We had dinner last night too.  It was like two old friends having dinner, and that’s all.  I did notice this weekend that my attitude has changed.  Normally, if he hadn’t called, I’d be worried.  This weekend, I went about my own damn business – without worrying.  We had talked about getting together Saturday night, but again, I hadn’t heard from him, so I went to dinner with my family instead.  Normally, I’d wait to hear from him before making a decision.  Not this time – I did what I wanted to do!  And it was fun!! 

I have therapy this afternoon and I fear that, although I’ve had a good few days, I’m going to go in there and just cry.  I know my therapist is expecting that JC and I would’ve talked this weekend and that we would’ve officially called it quits (which he’s been encouraging me to do), but you know what?  Screw him.  I’m doing okay with the situation as it is.  I have no expectations of JC, I’m scheduling things that I want to do and I’m feeling good about it!   

I was reading the advice column in the paper this weekend.  This girl wrote in because typically she had a “3-year” rule and was quickly approaching the 3^rd year with her boyfriend.  If a man didn’t want to marry her after 3 years together, she’d leave.  The columnist said after age 30, it needs to be a 1-year rule.  She said you should know after spending a year with someone if they are THE ONE – amen, Sister!!   And if not, MOVE ON!  Part of that is that you need to be clear with what you want – if you want to get married, tell him you want to get married!! 

So today, I promise myself to practice the 1-year Rule in all of my future relationships.  I’m not planning to start dating anyone until after my birthday (end of July), but when I do, that’s the rule!   

And if the guy doesn’t like it, I’ll tell him what Dr. Seuss says:  “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” 

R. Kelly proposed to me last night.  We were hanging out in his hotel room – really nice suite with its own swimming pool – and he was telling me that he just couldn’t live without me and he really wanted me to marry him because I was the one!  You won’t believe what I said!  I said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.  With all the sex parties you have, you probably wouldn’t be faithful and that’s something I would require from you, but I know you can’t give to me.”  WHAT???  Okay, it was all in my dream – but I actually dreamt that I was doing what is right for me!!  I TURNED DOWN R. KELLY???  And you know he would’ve gotten me a big ‘ole rock too!!!  I woke up this morning and was just amazed at that.  So maybe all this growth and self-reflection crap is really getting me somewhere. 

JC and I are going to get together this weekend so we can talk – it’s the beginning of the end – there’s no turning back now.  I’m hoping that I’ll be strong enough to tell him the same things I told R. Kelly – that I deserve better.  I deserve a man who wants to be with me 100% and who will make me the first priority in his life.  And that man, whoever he is and whenever it happens, will be the luckiest man alive.  But right now, that man isn’t JC.  That’s still so hard for me to accept, but he hasn’t given me a choice…his actions have told me what he wants and doesn’t want and what he’s willing to give (or lack of!)  It’s just not enough. 

I get to book a trip to Vegas today!  My mom and I are going for the I CAN DO IT weekend retreat.  There will be several different authors and keynote speakers talking about how to discover your true self and find enlightenment and really just BE HAPPY overall!  Although Vegas brings back many memories of good times with JC, this is something I have to do for me.  Because why?  Because I CAN DO IT!!!  

My quote of the day – from Byron Katie – one of the speakers at the retreat: “It’s not what happens that makes us suffer; it’s our thinking about what happens. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not possible to let go of a painful thought. We can’t let go of our thoughts—but when we meet them with understanding, they let go of us. At that point, we can truly love what is, just as it is.”  

Okay, painful thoughts – release me!